My moms dropped a bombshell on me this morning...

Wow man sorry to hear that...I hope you all get everything worked out.
In this situation if I were you I would go and try to get your mom and dad to sit together and talk about everything, although she said not to say anything to him, or you could secretly talk to a counselor [just for advice] and see what they say about the situation. That's the only real advice I could give you..

 

Im sorry to hear that man, I went through a similar situation when I was living with my family. My Dad is a loser, no other way to put it, time and time again I have tried to have the typical father son relationship. All he wants to do is sit at home and watch TV. As long as I can remember my mother did all the work to support the family. Thats why she left his ass. I mean even when she found out about the cancer and couldnt work he still wouldnt. I even went as far as offering him a job to help support her, nothing happened.


plus rep for living through such a bad situation. Also if you want to vent to someone ina similar position feel free to PM me or get my MSN handle

 

I barely ever comment in threads like this, but i see a point.

What is wrong with your dads back? maybe he has a legitimate reason to be off his back and resting. surgery could repair any slipped disks, but to me, its not really worth it becouse it could interfier with your back, and cuase more damage than good.

is he on disability? its a pretty sad thing when parents tell there kids things like this. this not only cuases stress on the kids, but can also make them despise another parent.

maybe your dad has legitimate back issues?

 

i dont think i understood the problem. is your dad and mom fighting? or is this issue directly related to his back, but not his lazyness?

 

The issue is directed at the fact his Father refuses to help out with the bills and such, while his mom slaves away to support the entire family alone. I can sympathize with you, Elem3nt.
The only thing I could say to you, is to pull your mom aside one night and tell her that if she doesn't tell him to atleast try to pull his own weight around with something that'll bring in some sort of income, then he's going to to have to leave. Instead of your mother working for all three of you, it would be just for you and her, but this also means that you'll have to bust your ass along with her to get things settled.

 

what if he has really bad back problems? really really bad back problems. i have back problems and i can tell you its really no walk in the park. some mornings i have to have HELP getting out of bed.

sorry e1 for not understandning fully. my mistake. i hope everything works out for you. is your dad disabled?!

sorry element, i read what you had replyed with, and that IS just lazyness. if its a slipped disk, its really not that minor and could be potentially debilitating. i sympothise with people who suffer back problems becouse i do as well, and i KNOW how shitty it can be. i hope all goes good for you man! i really do. you can aim me anytime you wish, just pm me for my sn

 

I can feel for you, however, I feel for your mom even more, why don't you help out a little more, maybe wash the dishes part of the time, prepare supper part of the time and so on, atleast that way you can do something about the relieving some of the stress that your father is putting her under.

You see I look at situations like this with a what can I do to help attitude, be pro-active.

 

this is good advice. ive gotta start doing that as well man.

 

That sucks man.

The only thing I'll chime in with is the suggestion that you talk with your dad. Don't tell him anything about your conversation with your mom. Just (respectfully) tell him how you feel about his behavior and tell him that you're concerned about your mom working so much and really ask him (like, from the heart) what's wrong.

What I mean is, clearly something's wrong with your dad. You said you love him, so I'm guessing he's not evil. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and take a guess that it's not his life's mission to make you or your mother miserable. And I'm not being sarcastic. I think it's important to try to get anger out of the picture as much as possible.

Help your father figure out what's bothering him, so you can help him fix it. The world will be a better place.

 

I respectfully disagree. you are all adults. your mother has asked you a favor. it would be disrespectful to her to do what she has asked you not to. further more, as long as there is no physical or mental abuse taking place,in which case that would oblige you to report him to the authorities for the safety of you and your mother, they are a couple having problems, even though they are your parents, you have no business getting involved unless you are invitited to by one side or the other, and even then I recommend against getting involved, it is better they make the decision to stay together or seperate under the advice of perhaps some trained counceling, which you might recommend your mother request of your father to attend with her. I am in no way associated with AA. I had to attend some meetings because of a dui, but all I have for you are these words of wisdom. grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. gl brother, I feel for you.

 

i would say ur father is depressed - i know mine is.

he is disabled - and could get disability and everything - but he is ashamed of it and instead sits in front of the tv constantly. he always used to do very physically demanding jobs - which is why he is so screwed up, that and diabetes. i really think he just can't handle not being able to do it anymore.

he feels like he's not a real man anymore. my mom's talked to him, i've talked to him, but he's just sort of given up on his life. if i was you i would try to get ur dad to go to counselling. u wouldn't have to mention anything about ur mom - but i think if my dad had gotten counselling years ago - all our lives would b alot diff now.

luckily for my mom she can handle things with one job. i've tried helping when i lived with them, my bf even moved in w/us and we both paid rent - but my dad was just ALWAYS there, in the way being an asshole, starting fights, their house is falling apart and u can't even fix it for them cus he just causes constant bs.

he wasn't always like this but i think that the years of being totally unproductive and not doing anything with his life - he is constantly trying to make ppl feel like shit cus he does. i'm glad to here that ur mother thinks of leaving ur dad - my mother never will no matter how miserable he makes her. i would really urge you, or urge you to urge ur mother to get ur dad some professional help. if he's headed down the smae road as mine - it's a nasty trip.

 

Hey bro,

I really know how you're feeling. A similar thing happened to me when I was 14. I *REALLY* don't want to publicly post my family life, so I won't.

Divorce may be a real option for your parents, and it's not easy, even with the most mature and caring parents. Just know that it gets better.

I'm not going to pretend to know how to deal with the issues you have with your dad, because I don't. It sounds like he has his priorities out of whack.

The only really beneficial (though obvious) advice I can give is to just be there for your mom. Be there for her to vent, be there for a hug. If you have to bust your ass and do housework, then do it. You wouldn't believe the impact you can have on her attitude and outlook.

Also, you MAY want to recommend counseling for your mom. It sounds drastic, but it's really not. From personal experience, just having a detached individual to talk to and to help you through things can be priceless.

I agree with skidoo, in that you should respect her wishes... but that doesn't mean you can't bring the topic back up with her and explain your situation and how you want to discuss it with your dad. (if you do)

Feel free to PM me, if you need to, man.

 

hey bro i feel you, let me lay out some of my life story to show that it doesn't have to be so tough

i fucking hate my dad, he was an ass my entire life, he worked however, and made pretty decent money, well finally my mom got sick enough of him after she had to take care of his ass while he was in the hospitable for a year from west nile, and i finally heard from her that she was going to leave him, and the only reason that she was with him was because they had my sister 22 years ago, and she thought that staying with him would be best for us

so when they finally got divorced, i was so fucking happy, because my dad is just such a big asshole. at first after my dad got out of rehab for being sick for all th at time, i tried being his friend, and tryed calling him and still trying to keep him as a father, but he would never bother to call me, but still was nice to me whenever i arranged the plans to be with. he never even bothered asking for custody of us, it was our choice to live solely with our moma nd he didnt give a flying fuck. i hadnt really talked to him for a few years, and after everything i just didnt give a shit about him anymore, whether he was alive or dead, but when i was going to graduate from highschool, 2 weeks before that i called my dad to see if he would like to come see my walk, and he told me that he wasn't in good enough health, but fucking grandparents who cant even walk still go to kids high school graduations. so i havent talkedt o him since, and i never will

but still, long story short, divorce can be the best things that happen to a family

im in college now, and my mom doesnt make that much money, but she has promised to pay for my college, well turns out, i filled out the fafsa, and because of my family relations and how much they and i make, and the fact that i live on my own in my own apartment by myself, it pays for my entire college tuition at a good school (KU)

 

Same situation my dad and stepmom are in. My dad has really bad back pain and osteoarthritis. For about 4-5 years, he has sat in front of the tv and popped pain pills all day and night. He doesn't have a job. His wife has been working a 9-5 forever and bringing home what little money she can for her kid and them. Deep down I bet it tears her up, but she says she loves him so much that she doesn't mind a bit. Fortunately, he is now drawing disability and he got some money from a settlement where he used to work when he got hurt.

I don't know the whole situation of your family, but if your dad can't work or anything, then your mom should stick by him and continue working her ass off. That's the way true love works. But if your dad is mean to her, and whatever else he may do to make the situation worse, then he needs to make some changes and show your mother more love and affection for all the hard work she is doing.

As far as your mom talking about suicide: I think you need to hug her more often and do little things to show her how much you all appreciate her, and her hard work. Flowers, cleaning, and just showing her more affection is what she needs. Sit her down and look her dead in the eye and tell her how much you appreciate and love her. It will mean the world to her.