Edit - All is now resolved! (see here) Warning! Wall of text ahead. tl;dr - My girlfriend doesn't want me to go and thinks this should mean I won't, should it? Me and four friends are going to Amsterdam in June to see our favourite band play a one off gig, we're only staying one night and flying home the next day. I never go out clubbing or whatever like most people my age do, my friday nights are almost ALWAYS spent home alone (I don't have a problem with this, it's the way I choose to be, I wouldn't change it). It should be noted that she is the same. I go to maybe four or five local gigs a year, she doesn't really like this because she worries I'm gonna get hurt, but she doesn't try and stop me (anymore). I'm going to this gig because it's a one off opportunity, I've only got a couple years of education left and after that I won't be able to do things like this. We're only young once, right? I want to make the most of it while I can. I also feel I deserve a good time out as I don't do things like this much. I see nothing unreasonable here.. (what do you think?) She doesn't want me to go because "It's a waste of my money." I should point out I earn my own money, and so does she. The difference is I don't tell her what she can and can't spend it on. She also doesn't see the point in me paying to go to Amsterdam to see a band I've already seen "1000" times. Okay I have seen them 6 times before, but she doesn't understand that they're an ever changing band and I want to hear the new songs and feel that unique atmosphere I can only get there. She also said she thinks I might sleep with a hooker despite saying she trusts me in the same sentance.. She had told me she doesn't go out because she doesn't want to upset me (she asumes it would upset me because if the shoe were on the other foot, it would upset her) but I honestly trust her 100% and have even told her she should go out more. I have never cheated on her or given her any reason to believe I would, nor has anybody else. The truth is I love this girl more than life. She is my life. We've been together over three years and even though I've put my foot down and said I'm going if she was to say if you go I'm leaving you I'd drop it in a second, without hesitation. What sort of a man does that make me? I know in my own head that what I'm doing is perfectly justified but no matter how hard I try and explain it to her she can't even see where I'm coming from. She used to get like this with gigs in general, but that all changed around a year ago when she realised she was being well, unfair. Even though she sees that she's treating this like she used to - refusing to talk to me, telling me I'm doing this just to hurt her etc. Generally being immature about it, something she seemingly had grown out of, until now.. I thought I'd share this to see what you guys thought, am I being an arsehole? I know a lot of you around here are far more inteligent than I could ever be and to you I look for possible ways of opening her eyes or.. Something? I don't even know, I just felt I needed to get this off my chest and felt this was the right place, and if you have taken the time to read this I am extremely grateful, your helpful comments are definately needed.
Ive skipped once in a lifetime events for the girl i was with and honesty id do it again. just depends on the situation, and being that i do not fully know your relationship i cant say one way or the other. if you love your girl and itll destroy the relationship and i mean truelly destroy it, id skip. if shes just gonna be upset and cry but get over it eventually, id go.
what band are they? *As long as I'm posting I'll give my two cents. If I was in you position I would simply talk to her in a rational conversation. She says she trusts you to not sleep with someone but that is one of her reasons for you not to go...she can't have it both ways, she either trusts you or doesn't trust you, simple as that.I mean just talk it through with her, sounds like she has some other issues with you going or something.
Did she have a good reason for wanting you to miss it though? I have missed gigs for her in the past but.. I want to be able to do what I want and I don't want her to rule over me 'jus cause she said so.. If she had a damn good reason it would be different but in my eyes this is more or less unbacked.. Thanks for help though bro! Enter Shikari
no you're not being an asshole. how can you except to have a good relationship 10 years form now if she won't even let you spend your money to do this you love? or that she won't trust you and thinks you'll "sleep with a hooker." if anyone is the asshole it's your girlfriend. and if you drop something you really want to do for the sake of the relationship and it's something like this then that would make you whipped.
on a more serious note, exactly this. she doesn't want you to go to amsterdam for one night because she doesn't want you to spend your money. tell her you're going to do what you want, it's not affecting her in any way so what's the big deal?
Thanks for you opinion, I totally agree and in all honesty I am pretty under the thumb, but not as bad as I used to be.. Trying to change that hasn't been easy and this has just been like going right back to the begining :/
of course you should STILL GO!!!! Come on, you cant let someone else tell you how to live your life, even if it is your girlfriend Go have fun with your friends, you dont always get to go to amsterdam Im actually going next week for 5 days
hey man it's your life.. just make sure you don't always drop things because while you may or may not stay with your girlfriend forever you're won't appreciate being ignored and might not still be your friends if the relationship is over. just remember a girlfriend should add to your happiness not control it.
imho, you two are going to split up. If you have been "under the thumb" for a good portion of your relationship then that is what she is used to and is one reason she likes you. If you change up now then it is like she is dating a new person. She may not be too fond of that new person. Unless you want to answer to her for the rest of your relationship, you should take this opportunity to test things out. Take your trip and either A. she will leave you, which is ok because why would you want to be whipped anyway? B. She will start backing off trying to tell you what to do. It's win-win, imo
Thank you for your serious opinion and use of bold and in answer to your question I don't think she even knows herself, but she won't realise that.. Gratz man, I wish I was going for that long but I don't intend on not returning And thanks for the support, those are some very valid points. I started to change things when I started noticing it effect my friendships, due to my friends mentioning it, I just wish I had nipped it in the bud a bit earlier.. Hopefully she'll wake up and realise before it's too late.
Yes you deffinetly should go. Your in the UK, so it's not that far of a trip to Amsterdam. It's not like you're going 1/2 way around the world to see a band, it's almost as if you are going on a long road trip here in the states. I've been to Amsterdam and it's deffinetly worth the trip. I even considered seeing a concert when I was there but I just didn't have the time. Would you care if she went to France with some friends, or even to Amsterdam with some friends? If you wouldn't care, neither should she. Relationships are built on trust. And I dont want to say exactly "time to put your foot down"... but her being controlling this one time and getting her way might lead her to trying to get her way and controlling you more and more in the future. If it was going to ruin your relationship is it worth going to Amsterdam? No... But in a good relationship one person doesn't control the other one when it comes to harmless things like trips and hanging out with friends.
I have put my foot down before even when she's threatened to leave me and she didn't, but I just don't feel secure enough right now to risk that, she's the only person that keeps me sane though lifes twists and turns, and things aren't too clear and sunny right now. But I can see what you are saying, thanks for the input man. I would only have a problem if she was going with a bunch of sluts, which her friends deffinately aren't. It's probably worth mentioning the four friends who are going with me are also friends with her, she knows they're all sensible, hell, two of them are T total. Yes trust is so important, I don't understand why she can't trust me. "It's not you I don't trust it's other people" Fair enough, but if you trusted me then you'd know I wouldn't take any notice. These words of wisdom exactly are what I was looking for, and I definately came to the right place. Thank you so much. Thank you all, this community amazes me sometimes.
I didn't even need to read the main text. The title was enough for me to come to a full conclusion, that YOU SHOULD GO. -- Explain everything once you get back. -- And accept the consequences. -- Good luck, and have fun in Amsterdam!
Haha, it's that good huh? I am really looking forward to it, but I hate how this whole situation puts a bad tint on it. If I go she'll make me feel guilty even though I know it's completely justified. What do women/love do to us?