My cathartic prepared statement for a weed DUI

Discussion in 'Pandora's Box' started by shattascam, Jun 6, 2021.

  1. (A statement I wish that I could read to the judge for my upcoming trial following getting busted for smoking and driving. But I can't. So I just wrote it for myself to get it all out so I avoid saying it in court)

    (clears throat, assumes dick-sucking, pandering and faux sincere tone)

    Your honor, I ask for permission to read from a prepared statement.

    A month ago I was taken into the custody of the (my town) Police following a traffic stop incident, and upon further investigation, and my own honest and sincere admission (but mostly the latter), it was determined that I was operating a motor vehicle under the influence of cannabis.

    For my honesty I was rewarded with charges of driving a motor vehicle under the influence of a psychotropic drug and what I am sure is an impending fine for compensation of damage and losses caused by my grievous error. I plead guilty to all charges. As someone who has worked many a job, including those requiring fine motor detail and posing liabilities to others, and covered hundreds if not thousands of miles behind the wheel of a car while under the influence of cannabis, it was without a doubt far beyond my knowledge of my own tolerance to ever have the audacity to assume I could make a stop at a Mcdonalds one sleepy Tuesday morning in said state. Oh yes.

    For my heinous crime I deserve the harshest punishment. A punishment equally harsh as those who slam a six pack of Bud Lite then get between the wheel, for surely the effects of cannabis and alcohol on one’s motor skills are absolutely the same. The brave officers who took me into custody commended me on my positive attitude and cooperative demeanor, a demeanor at the time which may have only been so because I was in a relaxed state from the cannabis, but according to tests conducted by esteemed psychotropic drug research scientist Officer Brad Whatshisname I was completely impaired and posed a danger to myself and others. I wholeheartedly repent to and accept this wrist slapping as punishment for using a substance which tames my inner anger and allows me to continue life as a young man attempting to surpass obstacles. A substance which, in an age in which young men are not considered real men unless they become possessed by and channel all aspects of the dark side; anger, domination, destruction, hostility, violence, has allowed me to find a middle way in which I can cultivate strong character while doing my best to avoid destructive impulses, and arguably stay out of jail for acts far worse than that for which I am here today. But from the formal, clinical and authoritative treatment from the real men, the ones wearing the badges, the ones who have the authority to tell others what to do, I have learned why bother. I will not bore you with further explanation. After all, this is about my crime, and about money. But mostly about money.

    Thank you, and kiss my whole ass. Not the left, not the right, in the middle. Yep.
     
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  2. Why was you driving while high dude... If you wasn't driving high you wouldn't be in this situation :confused_2:
     
  3. I do everything high because I don't get laid. The longer the not getting laid goes on, the more I have to sedate myself to avoid destructive and reckless impulses because when no one loves you you sorta just don't care what happens to you anymore. I mean the same guy who flips me off in traffic for absolutely no reason or does the cute lil small dick sign with his thumb and index, if I didn't go home and smoke a bowl I might just follow the guy and beat the fuck out of him and smash up his car with the lead pipe I keep in my backseat. That's what I mean in the above statement about weed being a "let it go" thing for me. If I drank as much as I smoked, I would be in jail or dead by now.
     
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  4. Dude what has being high got to do with getting laid?? I get high from when I wake up to when I sleep & it's not because I don't get poontang pie :confused_2::laughing:

    Please don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like you got anger issues man.. i don't get why your angry about sex in general lol there's 1000s of things in life more important then getting your willy wet man :laughing:
     
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  5. [​IMG]
     
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  6. There is man... Have you ever looked at life like this, there's alot of people worst off then yourself :confused_2: :laughing:

    I'm in pain 24/7 & a cripple swap with me :lmafoe::lmafoe:
     
  7. It's not like it is not for sale everywhere.
    If you really can't find it locally a trip to Nevada will fix you right up.
    [​IMG]
    BNW
     
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  8. I'm sorry to hear that man. Yes I have, but I always felt like just because it could be worse, doesn't mean it shouldn't be better. The fact remains i'm a cuck loser (atm)
     
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  9. Bruh stop it and seek some help before you wind up doing 15 to 20 and have to register
     
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  10. Now i know what I will spend the next stimulus check on, should we get it. And well spent. Once I get reminded what a vagina feels like after 4 years maybe it will make it easier to make it happen the old fashioned way of, you know, getting to know someone and talking to her.
     
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  11. In the process of seeking help, they say I need meds. I say that meds don't take away the fact that most paranoia is actually for good reason, most anger toward people who are shitty is also warranted, and being pissed off about being almost 30 and not getting poon is pretty justified. Shit I should feel like aa complete loser and ashamed of myself. Why would I take big pharma when I could smoke.
     
  12. Cannabis is the ultimate Anti Asshole medication. It totally works for me. Hell the wife will ask if I've missed my morning Hash Capsule as I'm being a total DICK !!.

    BNW
     
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  13. #13 shattascam, Jun 6, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021
    Well luckily i may have a couple pounds of anti-assholery on my hands by harvest time, so it all works out :D

    That's the funny thing. Cop said "well, at least you're not a jerk". I felt like saying, "do you realize the reason i'm not being a jerk is BECAUSE i'm high?" Helps one listen to the inner voices of reason. No no, musn't call the nice policeman a system-slaved predatory opportunist bitch!!
     
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  14. Just look at Shia Labeouf arrest video lol. He was drinking, that's why he acted like an asshole. Well that and being a celebrity who can get away with shit i never could.
     
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  15. Get some stroke mags and spank your monkey.
     
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  16. But see why would I do that during the sexual prime of my life (aka right now), when there is ready and willing vagina out there and you only are young once? Shit i don't wanna be 32 in the same boat and even worse needing a little blue pill. That's kinda my whole point. I just smoke to stay patient and relatively sane until i get the chance.
     

  17. haha good times your way man.

    so check this out, i guarantee you there is a woman within 15 minutes of where you're sitting right now that would love to get laid. most dudes have the wrong outlook when it comes to trying to get some pelvic action with a gal, and here's the "big secret" - women want to get laid man, just ask nicely. women are everywhere lol. just ask.

    but i get your cathartic thing because i fucking hate judges and courts as well. having to stand in front of a man or woman to be judged is no fun. but, lighten up, clean up, put on some smell good, head to your local places and ask a few gals if they wouldn't like to have a no-frills quickie. you only need one to say "sure" haha. no pain, no gain brother. you gotta ask for the prize. cheers. :smoke:

    oh, and make sure you're packing protection and be ready!
     
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  18. done lol. nuff said. big up. etc. really just comes down to being a man about it....and everything...that's a journey i'm still on and it's mostly a journey of how you see yourself. i used to be incredibly nerdy and get bullied. guys who let themselves get bullied don't get chicks. still get bullied to an extent but i shut that shit down. my dad never was a macho type he was kind of backseat in my life and i have a feeling a lot of young men who are stoners have father figure issues too. but i also know that the "perfect time" is an illusion and tomorrow never comes and literally every second of your life matters. .fuck it. if i get lucky, you'll be the first to know :p
     
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