Hey guys, spaz here. Well, I have another week or so in the house before I'm kicked out. Got my tax return, and had roughly $600 to my name now. I was really happy. That was exactly 1 week ago. As of now, I have -$1.29 in my account. I'm horrible with money. I get some, and go out and go on a drug spending spree. The military STILL owes me my final check, which is somewhere in the $1,000 range, which I really need. I still haven't found a job or a place to live which I can afford. I've been fucked up for so long. Things from my past, my current situation, etc... I've been working on change. I think we never understand how difficult change is until we must make one. It takes time, patience, and the willpower to actually change. I've been putting job apps. out. The goal is to get a job as a waiter, and learn something, then work my way up to bartending. My writing has been submitted to a few magazines including Time Magazine. I feel the bartending will help my writing, seeing the nightlife from BEHIND the bar would add a lot. I plan on traveling around the country while I'm single, not settling down until I feel I've learned a sufficient amount. But let's rewind... 420 is coming up. All the shrooms and opium are gone. Apparently my mother fucked ALL my shit up in my room. I'm broke, and hating life. I have a decision. If I want to do want I really want to, I need to go straight edge, and get my life on track. Or, I can stay in my comfort zone. Where you grow up, where all your friends are, and what you're familiar with. In order to grow in life, we must move out of our comfort zone. Much like when we're younger and move from a crib to a regular bed. It's bigger, there's no bars of security... It's a little scary. But, it's a step in growing. I'm fighting addictions, withdrawals, being broke, and getting ready to be homeless. I'm always depressed. Something in the military changed the person I used to be. I used to be a happy drug user, helping all my friends with any problems they had. I came back a depressed and angry drunk and addict. My mind and emotions are numb. I'm losing touch with reality and with myself. I haven't written anything in about a week, which is absurd. I used to write every day, a couple times a day too. I don't know what to do anymore. My mother is a sadistic bitch and will never be in my life again once I leave, and I'm fine with it. My father is the only person in my family who's looked out for me and has helped. My friends know part of what's going on ( that I'm getting kicked out), But they don't know how I honestly feel inside. I don't know... I've always kept problems inside, thinking I can handle it on my own. But this, this put me in over my head. I can't do it on my own. For the first time in my life, I'm scared. My Pops tells me all the time, " In order to be happy, you gotta be happy with yourself." Or: " The reason you're depressed and angry all the time, is cause you're angry with yourself." He's right. I'm angry with myself. Whether it's my past, the uncertainty of the future, or the person I've become... I'm not happy with myself. I need to detox and pass a drug test in order to get a decent job. Fuck working those CVS jobs and bullshit. I want to bartend. Now a days, EVERYONE drug tests, and any kind of background can stop you from getting even a simple job. I'm not risking my future for the things I'm doing now. I'm having fun, but it's an empty feeling. I'm doing nothing productive with my life. I need to move on from this phase. And I really need cigarettes. I'm broke, so I might not be smoking for awhile. I feel horrible inside... Since I've been back, there's a girl ( we'll call her H) who's been helping me get my shit straight. She's had a rough time, getting expelled, doing drugs and not being productive, It's like the ghetto version of the princess and her knight in shining armor. We've gotten so close, and have helped each other a lot. She recently landed a job, ONLY smokes weed and drinks now. She's taking summer classes to get her HS diploma, and I've never been happier for someone. Now, I'm going to be moving, and probally far away from here. I can't believe I'll be leaving her for atleast a year until I get my shit straight... It's like finding an animal in the wild, and refining it back to health. Then, you must let it go back to flourish. We're basically each other's better half. That's gonna be a tough thing to let go of. I'm just trying to deal with my situation, and learn what I can and move on. Such a big part of me is afraid to move on. Leave the drugs, Leave my friends, start a new life somewhere else. Make something out of myself. I'll have to work 2 jobs to be able to support myself fully, which will suck. But, I'm going to stay on the grind, and learn as much as I can. Sorry for the long rant. But, I had to tell someone. I want someone to understand. I want someone to feel how I feel. I want another chance in life. Wanting's fine. But none of your dreams and hopes will come true, Unless you fight for them and never quit.
Maybe you should concentrate on growing up, getting your life in order and creating a new comfort zone? I guess it's easier said then done Look on the bright side, 420 will be around again but you only have one life eh?
Exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm just like my pops, and he's scared that I'm living the same way he did, and I am. I can't wait until things start falling together. All through my life I've always had obstacles, one after another. I just want a break in life, something to go my way. But if this tough path is the one I'm set to take, then I'm going to work as hard as I can and do the best I can.
That's crazy man. Shrooms and opium? Interesting combination. I'm lucky I'm just sticking to weed. Damn I'm feeling so good right now from weed, don't need nothin' else.
Man, I feel for you. It's sad to say, but I almost see myself in the same situation in the upcoming years. At 18, I don't have many obligations, so usually whatever money I get, I spend on trival shit I don't need in the long run.
Wait, why are you going to be homeless? Do you pay rent to your parents? Also, where in Jersey do you live?
If marijuana has taught me anything it is that life is at your disposal. Your not at lifes disposal. If that makes sense? Who need jobs & a career? Like Christopher McCandless (from Into the Wild) said, "Mr. Franz I think careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one." It is important for you to take initiative, right now. You need to leave your comfort & find experience, because new experience touches the core of every mans soul. I believe that with new experience you will find a new self, a new image of who you are, a clean ego. Happiness is an illusion, just as sadness, anger, frustration, etc. They are all illusions & you can choose whichever you wish to feel. It's just a matter of self-control & understanding of life. If life were meant to be taken seriously then I died a long time ago. Do you see what I'm saying??? You need to take the initiative to make a POSITIVE change for yourself. It seems to me like you have been trying to make positive changes for yourself, but you ever so slowly push yourself back down into a deep, dark hole of self-mutilation. You are down on yourself because you are addicted to emotions. Release yourself from all addictions. Morality is the key to experiencing ones self, ones inner being, ones full control over mind, body & spirit. I'm not religious at all, but fuck me in the ass if this world is not mystical & unexplainable. So why try to explain the unexplainable? Just persevere through the storm & come out the other side with a smile on your face, because it's life & every bit of that storm may have seemed "sad & depressing" but like I said, it's all an illusion & it can just as easily become "happy & insightful". I hope this helps you. I haven't been mad, or down on myself in over a year. You must remember life is nothing more than a crazy roller coaster & you just need the right mindset to sit back & enjoy the ride. Oz.
One other thing.. Life isn't going to make thing better for you. You must do it for yourself. Life will throw things at you in a random pattern, with no meaning or visible goal. You take each experience & make your own judgment, whether you want to be happy about it or sad about it. So, what I am saying to you is be happy about it, because new experience is great experience & I think you have lost sight of the fact that you have FULL CONTROL OVER YOURSELF & YOUR EMOTIONS. I don't want to sound rude, but you need to man up. Life isn't working against you, you are working against life & you must change that. Oz.
yea im another one of those really baked people out there reading this post... damn dude, that was really deep, i bet you feel a lot better getting all that out, i know i would. yea man just stick with it, everything in life is a cycle, shit may be bad now, but there's always a way of getting out of it, it just may take some time and patience. best of luck to you!