Most hilarious story you have ever read

This happened way back in grade ten to this wierd guy at my school; I live in Canada. He was sitting up in his bedroom late one night and he was bored so he decided to text flirt, whatever the fuck you call it, with this girl whom also goes to my school, and this was at around one in the morning. She was awake and she texted him back, and they decided to both walk to the school to smoke a joint together. We all lived in a small suburb that was maybe a twenty minute walk from one corner to the opposite end. Anyways, this guy is really fucking horny for this girl, who in my opinion was a huge cust bucket, but anyways he grabs a condom and puts in his pocket, even though he doesnt expect to use it, he figures just incase. Then he takes his little bag of weed and scissors and whatever, he takes his cellphone, his wallet which for some reason had three hundred dollars in it in cash, thats what I'd heard. He puts on a two hundred dollar pair of nikes and his expensive winter coat, because this was in January in Ontario and it gets really fucking cold here, and so he sneaks out of his house while his parents are sleeping and starts walking in the snow, with his running shoes all the way to the school.

So he gets to the school, and hes waiting in the parking lot for like half an hour, then she finally shows up. They say hello and talk and whatever and then she asks him to roll the joint, and his fingers are so cold from sitting outside for so long that he can't move them, and so he tells her he can't do it. Then she tries to roll one and she doesn't know how, she spills a bunch of his weed, and they have like this crappy short litte crumpled thing. Then he realizes that he didn't bring his lighter, and she doesn't have one, so they decide to go back to her house to get one and do it there, since her house was closer to the school.

They get to her house and hes trying to warm up his hands, and they're sitting in her bedroom, so she tells him to give her the weed so they can try and make another joint. He reaches into his pocket with a numb hand and fumbles the bag of weed and the condom out onto her floor. She sees the condom and he gets so embarrassed, he doesn't say anything. She asks him why he brought a condom and then he says, 'well I figured I might as well bring one just incase,' and so then she gives him this huge smile and starts taking her clothes off, and so then they fuck in her bedroom for the next hour. After that he rolls a joint and they go smoke it outside.

Now this guy had terrible constipation for a week and a half before that night, and he had actually forgotten about it, because he really didn't feel like he had to shit at all. After warming up in the bed having slow intense sex with this girl, and then getting really high with this girl, his bowels must have loosened up or something because he started to get a small stomach ache, when they were smoking the joint. They go back into her room, and then they get naked again keep going at it.

After screwing around in the bed for another half an hour this guy realizes that his stomach is totally fucked, buts he is too afraid to say anything to the girl. She has no idea, and she is just really into the stoned fucking, not paying attention to anything. So he feels something terrible coming on and he tries to tell her to hang on for second, she stops and he says I really need to go to the bathroom before we continue. She's like ok, just be quick or whatever, and as he lifts his leg to get out of the bed, a little splurt of brown shit plops out of his ass onto her bed. She starts screaming right away. Just screaming because shes really high and doesn't know any better. This guy, get really terrified, his stomach is still convulsing and as he paces in her room little farts and drips are spraying out of his ass as he moves. He is very shocked and baked and very afraid, and out of complete impulse he tries to punch her as hard as he can to try and knock her out, but he just hurts his wrist and leaves a massive welt on her forehead, she starts screaming louder now, and her dad swings open the door to her room with a hockey stick.

He sees this naked kid with diareah shit dripping down his legs, staring at him, his daughter is screaming and there is shit all over her bed and floor. He swings the stick at the kids head, missing and getting it stuck in the wall. The naked shit fucker lunged for the window with like a rythm of sharts plopping out of his asshole, and he slides open the window getting shit everywhere, because by now its on his hands. He climbs onto her dresser and out the window, and the whole room is just a disaster. He left his clothes, his shoes, his wallet and money, his weed, his phone, everthing he fucking brought was left in the house. Hes running naked down the street with no shoes in the snow and before he goes home he just craps all over someones lawn in the snow, because he had to get it out of him. He ran home naked all the way, then realized he didn't have his key with him and he had to ring the doorbell to his own house to wake up his parents and his two twin sister who were in grade four, to let him in. They all saw him frostbitten and naked with frozen poo all on his legs and hands, and he was crying. He had to tell them everything right then and this was like four thirty in the morning on a monday.

Neither of them were at school that day but this girl's best friend fuckin tells everybody in the school exactly what happened and on tuesday, the girl was at school and the guy was there with fucking bandages on his hands and chafing on his arms and I am sure his legs were fucked but he had pants on. It was so brutal. I don't think he ever got his stuff back from her.

 

He left the school that year but from what I remember he was more of doofus than a pothead and probably didn't care about 4:20 so much.