Most awkward night of my life.

Summary at the bottom.


Alright so last Friday I was at a house party and I invited this girl that I was crushing on, she said she was down. So I told her to just text me when she pulled up and I would meet her outside. When she showed up she hops out the passenger seat I see that she rode with some other chick (You know, the third wheel, cockblock).


My friend and I split a bottle of New Amsterdam and were going back and forth between gin and OJ and straight shots. Meanwhile my lady friend and the other females jumped on some margaritas, which eventually turned into straight shots of tequila. By this time I'm almost on the verge of being sloppy drunk, so I start to slow it down a little. As for my lady friend, I've only seen a couple of girls handle liquor as well as her. Usually when I see chicks drink that much I end up holding their hair while they throw up somewhere. Then she tells me that she wants to burn which sounded like a great idea to me. I decided to just go smoke in my car outside because I didn't want all these people wanting to hop up in rotation, simply because I knew at least 5 people would have came up and asked and I like to enjoy my own pot plus it makes me feel like an asshole telling people no. So I went and grabbed my homeboy and we walked outside. I looked behind me and her tag-a-long friend followed us, she didn't know anyone there and didn't look like she was having a good time.

I roll up probably a gram and a half of some good into a dutchmaster, which was more than enough to get everyone realllllll nice. When the blunt was finished we were just chilling in my car with the windows cracked listening to music and enjoying the weather. It wasn't before we ended up making out. Around that time her friend taped her on the shoulder and said that she had to head home but I figured it just got too weird for her. My girl wanted to stay and I told her that I would take her home. I forgot that my friend was still in the back seat so I look back and he was in a alcohol/marijuana induced come, Not that it would really matter though because we are pretty much each others wingmen and he wouldn't cockblock even if he was awake.

We start to get into it and she asks me if I had a rubber which I didn't, so she started to put her shirt back on. Being a male I couldn't go out like that so I instinctively went on a drunken mission to the circle k down the street that stays open 24 hours a day. So around 1:30 I walk into the Circle K and I go to the random shit isle where the keep em at and all they have left is magnum XL's (I'm an average sized guy). Not having an option I bought them and headed back toward the party.

We get back to the party and I pull up in the most inconspicuous place I could find. I whip out the rubbers and open one up and these things were huge, I mean I could slide it down my arm. Anyways I throw it on thinking it will at least get the job done and we get to it. After a while into it I switch positions, I glance down and the fucking rubber is gone. I didn't think it was that big of a deal figuring it just come off until I look all through my seat and floorboard and didn't find it. Then chick says in a kind of nervous voice that she found it, IT WAS INSIDE OF HER. It defiantly wasn't coming out either. After about 15 minutes of her crying her and talking to one of her friends she decided we had to go to the ER.

So there I was sitting in the ER at 3AM shitfaced, with blueballs while she had to have a condom removed from her vag, while my friend was still passed out in the parking lot. About an hour after we got there her mom, dad, and older brother showed up. I met them a couple times before so they came up to me and demanded to know what happened. Had I know they were coming and she would of had a ride home I would have dipped but it was too late. At this point in time though I was still pretty drunk which made telling them a lot easier.

After I told them her mom was in tears and was an emotional wreck. Her dad looked like he would have swung on me if we weren't in the middle of the emergency room waiting room, and her brother looked like he was trying extremely hard to keep a straight face and not bust out laughing. After the longest hour of my life having to sit across the room from her family they finally got that fucker out. When she came back into the waiting room I told her I was sorry and left as fast as possible. I'm glad her parents didn't make me pick up the hospital bill or anything though. When I got back in the car I must have made enough noise to wake my friend up. Once he came to his senses he asked why the fuck we were at the hospital, so I told him everything that happened from the time he passed out. Naturally he sent out mass text message to all of our mutual friends, I guess I really don't blame him though. After I dropped him and finally got the house I couldn't even sleep. Me and the girl are still as cool as we were then, but her parents told me that I was never allowed to talk to her again.
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Summary:

• I invited a girl I was crushin on to a house party that I was at.
• She shows up with one of her friends.
• My buddy and I both went in on a bottle on New Amsterdam and ended up just shy of killing the bottle.
• The girl I invited starts sipping margaritas, then taking straight shots of Jose.
• Were having a great time and both get real nice and shitty.
• Then we get the craving for some bud, I tried to keep it on the down low because I didn't want everyone at the party smoking on my stash.
• So we head outside to my car outside to burn, I grab my close friend to come with us, and her chick friend tagged along.
• We smoke a fat little blunt and end up making making out.
• Her friend dips, my friend passes out in the back seat.
• Were about to get it on, but she she wasn't going to put out without a rubber.
• I'm go on a drunken mission to gas station to get a rubber.
• The only condoms they had at the Circle K are Magnum XL's, I bought them anyway thinking it was better than nothing.
• I was only blessed with an average sized junk and these things look like they were designed for a horse, I mean I know they were big but damn.
• We come back, park outside the party in the most inconspicuous spot I could find then I bust one of the rubbers open only to discover that it is is the size of a poncho.
• I throw it on anyway, thinking/hoping that it will get the job done.
• So we go at it.
• I go to switch positions then I notice that the rubber is no where to be found.
• She eventually realizes that it is stuck inside her, so we both panic and realize that going to the emergency room is probably the best thing to do.
• We end up in the emergency room at around 3AM.
• Her mom, dad, and brother show up and make me spill the beans.
• Mom starts crying, pops looks like he wants to strangle me, and brother thinks its hilarious.
• Waited for an hour while being stared at by her family in the waiting room.
• They finally got it out and I told her I was sorry then I dipped out.
• Got in my car, woke my friend up, dropped him off, then went home.
• I'm never supposed to talk to her again but we still talk.

I figured that this would be worth sharing and maybe you guys could get some enjoyment out of my misfortune. Because I know I would if this happened to someone else.