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Marriage

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by Superjoint, Sep 2, 2002.

  1. 1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
    2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
    3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
    4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
    5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
    6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
    7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
    8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
    9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That's true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
    10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
    11. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
    12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
    13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
    14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
    16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but still they stay together.
    17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
    18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
    19. “I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.”
    20. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
    21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
    22. A man was complaining to a friend: “I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.” “WHAT HAPPENED?” asked his friend. He says “MY WIFE FOUND OUT.”
    23. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
    24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: “AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?” The other replied, “YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.”
    25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
    26. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
    27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
    28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
    29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!
     
  2. This should be put under true facts.

    30. What ever is hers is hers, and what ever is yours is hers!



    31 marriage councilers advice on a good marriage----
    for a good marriage, just do what she says!


    I have many more but to stoned to think!
     
  3. 32. When she's wrong she's right....and when you're wrong she's still right.....Peace out....Sid
     
  4. i'm honestly speachless...lol..good thing i'm high.
     
  5. I find that funny but only because i'm still young, i fuckin belive every word of that.
     
  6. affter 2 wives .....

    someone should have read me this sooner
     
  7. it has to go both ways here. where are all the chicks? i need some help here ladies.
     
  8. My man told me he was going to make me the happiest chick in the world...I asked him when he was leaving.









    Overgrow, man, always believe it ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)




    Yes, it goes both ways, Daiseyduked...that's why I find it all so freakin' hilarious!!!!!!
     

  9. totally! lol
     
  10. ok guys it's sid to the rescue...........(whilst cowering behind the sofa from the chics at the city)

    THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
    >
    > * MILKING IT:
    >
    > When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it like a bus rail and start
    > jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a
    > piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a
    > thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at
    > all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be),
    > not two-thirds of the way down
    >
    > * BEING NAKED:
    >
    > Very few female bodies are good to look at, so please make an effort to
    > cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to
    > suit your body. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for
    example,
    > wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with
    > something silky.
    >
    > * POOR PRESENTATION:
    >
    > Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it
    > doggy-style. Roll over and present yourself. You know you love it!
    >
    > * SILENT FRIGHT:
    >
    > If you've come and can't be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at
    > least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty
    and
    > can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do
    > the trick.
    >
    > * PHONE TURN-OFF:
    >
    > Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting
    > for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry
    > on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but
    not
    > your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
    >
    > * NO LAUGHING MATTER:
    >
    > Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things
    > like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow
    my
    > man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will
    > not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole
    > sentences.
    >
    > * CLOSING UP:
    >
    > If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close
    > your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union
    > with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases
    > - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
    >
    > * TOO BRIGHT:
    >
    > If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't
    > insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a
    > love bite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such
    > matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can
    > imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this
    > fascinating aspect
    > of the male psyche.
    >
    > * HANGING AROUND:
    >
    > When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to
    touch
    > you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a
    > one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything
    or
    > asking for a phone number.
    >
    > * BEING SHY:
    >
    > Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If you don't like it that much, still
    > offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
    >
    > * BEING A DRIP:
    >
    > You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any
    > ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
    >
    > * LACK OF MAINTENANCE:
    >
    > Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men
    > don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten
    > those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6
    > per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi, etc all could still
    > lose a few pounds - so what chance have you got?
    >
    > * CLOCK-WATCHING:
    >
    > Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come
    > soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to
    > utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to
    > the gym to work your biceps and wrists. Or if he's shagging you and takes
    > more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial
    but
    > a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human
    > beings.
    >
    > * FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
    >
    > Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had
    > so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't
    ask
    > a man to lie about such an important thing.
    >
    > * PLAYING DEAD:
    >
    > Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport
    and
    > it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to
    > do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and were blessed
    with
    > the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the
    > act to show your appreciation.
    >
    > * BEING POSSESSIVE:
    >
    > If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women
    at
    > a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your
    > friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's
    > probably shagging her anyway. Plus, you might learn something from her
    to
    > keep your man really happy.
    >
    > * NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
    >
    > Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a
    > piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the
    snatch
    > of a five-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe
    > in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather
    be
    > shagging.
    >
    > * SPITTING IT OUT:
    >
    > When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right
    > into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste
    and
    > gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba,
    > blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I
    > love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and
    > games.
    >
    > * INGRATITUDE:
    >
    > Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended
    > on making love to you - especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five
    > minutes and/or
    > b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more
    > demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is
    > appreciated.
    >
    > * SEEKING FAVOURS:
    >
    > Never contemplate taking advantage of your mans warm after-sex glow to
    > seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved
    slumber,
    > resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that
    > dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the
    > practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
    >
    > * BED-RIDDEN:
    >
    > Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few
    > countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let
    > yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and
    > kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's
    > bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder
    > erection.
    >
    > * SHARING NOT CARING:
    >
    > Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a
    > mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by
    > kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be
    > considerate, please.
    >
    > * LETHAL WEAPONS:
    >
    > A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be
    > treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water
    from
    > a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even
    > looking at a guys ball bag.
    >
    > * ROBOTS:
    >
    > When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on the end of the thing and jam
    > your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument, it should be
    > caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
    >
    > * PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1):
    >
    > Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name
    after
    > he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name,
    > he would have.
    >
    > * PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2):
    >
    > Don't be angry if your lover shouts out another woman's name during the
    > sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal
    with
    > many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably
    > just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be
    > shagging someone else in his spare time, and it is understandable that he
    > should make such an obvious mistake.
    >
    > * KEEPING HIM WAITING:
    >
    > Don't get him all turned on and let his proud stiffy whither while you go
    > to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your
    > body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you
    go
    > off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict
    beauty
    > regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
    >
    > * TOOTHACHE:
    >
    > When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I
    > know its hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now
    > and again.
    >
    > * YOU CANT HURRY, LOVE:
    >
    > If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes
    > is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a
    > reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
    >
    > * TWO-DIMENSIONAL:
    >
    > It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of
    > fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a
    full
    > portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing
    > and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
    >
    > * CAMERA SHY:
    >
    > If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special
    moments
    > (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by
    > posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
    >
    > * UN-SWEET SMELL OF EXCESS:
    >
    > While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit
    > of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
    >
    > * OBSESSIVE:
    >
    > The female orgasm is over-rated, so don't spoil everybody's fun by
    > insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do
    > have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
    >
    > * PERIOD PAIN (1):
    >
    > It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to, but please do not:
    > a) pretend your period has finished, or
    > b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch
    up
    > with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work
    > colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
    >
    > * PERIOD PAIN (2):
    >
    > Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't
    mean
    > his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits
    > for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work
    on
    > your oral and massage techniques.
    >
    > * THE BIG SWITCH (OFF):
    >
    > Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not
    > finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush
    against
    > any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it
    > and take things through to their natural conclusion.
    >
    > * WAKE-UP CALLER:
    >
    > Men have busy and demanding schedules, so please understand if he should
    > occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You
    > should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
    >
    > * COVER UP:
    >
    > If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry
    temptress
    > with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going
    until
    > he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about
    > him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden
    > beneath your caked-on make-up.
    >
    > * TV SINNER:
    >
    > The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore
    > porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows
    > or gardening programmes to be watched.
    >
    > * PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING:
    >
    > Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men
    > to sleep on the messy remains of coitus, he would have given us a snatch.


    Peace out......Sid
     
  11. omg u guys! horrid! ur not giving adamg any advice are u..lol
     
  12. Well he spoke the truth and nothing but the truth!!!!!!!LOL

    I've got to hand it to ya Sid, You did an excellent job!!!!!!!
     
  13. Tnx bud head....i just thought the guys were taking one hell of a pasting earlier...i couldn't just sit back and watch when i knew i had that one in my arsenal........Peace out....Sid
     
  14. Holy jesus sid you have made my day....no my week. You have given me a new perspective upon sex. I always thought the period was a non-sex (oral of massage) time. But you my friend have shown me the light.
     
  15. god damn sid you are on point my man ON POINT
    good shit and ladies i read your pithy comments if you disagree with anything sid said now is the perfect time to start agreeing...yes RIGHT NOW
     
  16. oh please lol!
     
  17. this deserves a bump, and I don't care for any "Dude let it rest, it's from like 2002"........it was funny then, and it's funny now, any haters can simply kiss my ass!.........Peace out.......Sid
     
  18. RMJL-That was funny and reminded me of a joke.

    What is your asshole doing while you are having sex???
    .............................................................................

    He is at home sleeping!!:D

    I am here girl! I got your back Daiseyduked!!
     
  19. A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
    although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
    and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

    'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

    'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered.. I'm going to
    have a beer.'**

    The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door
    to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
    brands from 12 different
    countries:Germany , Holland , Japan, India , etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
    could think of saying was, ' Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar...
    You know... they have frozen glasses.... '**

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
    interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy
    Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
    that she was getting chills j ust holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
    at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
    delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'**

    'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and
    took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
    pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.**

    'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing,
    dirty words and all that....'**

    'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT
    YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN
    ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE **YOUR
    MARRIED ASS** **ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKIN BAR! **THAT SHIT IS
    OVER**, GOT IT, JACKASS?'**
    **
    and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story.
     
  20. lol.. well I thought it was funny....
     

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