Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by riceboy, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. What's the most important factor in a marriage?

    Right now I'm thinking about how trust, communication, balance and stability are the most important factors. Is there something I'm missing? Also thinking about how healthy relationships are made. Is the foundation of a healthy relationship, or even marriage based on solely spiritual and emotional connections? And do physical features really play a big part as we think?
    Compromise? understanding each other?

    Should it be fun? how do people continue to keep that "spark" that they felt during the beginning of the relationship?

    Are physical features such as how the person looks really a factor that plays a role in how relationships are maintained?
    What happens after a marriage? why do so many end in divorce? there's that one old saying that goes "you don't really know someone until your married." why is that?

    There's a statistic that shows how 50% of all marriages end in divorce due to financial problems. Does that mean that a lot of people only marry because of money?

  2. A major component to marriage? Finances. Fuck a marriage up.

    If you and your partner are not on a similar financial level then marriage, statistically, will not perform well.
  3. Yes, financial problems can be big
    But its a psychological thing too I think, people can be together for years but when they get married everything seems to change.
    Marriage is never gonna be perfect, even if you find your true soulmate, because there are always gonna be problems that help to strengthen and help the two people thrive together. Some people think that when you're married suddenly the wife is the boss, which i never understand because it's a marriage and not a job promotion. Almost every man I talk to says that their wife is "the boss", their wife tells them what to do, what not to do, when they are allowed to smoke weed, what he can spend money on, etc... and thats not how a marriage is supposed to be.

  4. I think that trust and respect are most important. Love is important too, of course. But you can love a person who doesn't trust or respect you, what kind of relations is this? Love - it's a everyday work. If you just "I love her and that's all" she will escape from you. It works in another way too (about men).
  5. Yay! Something I know some shit about!!! I've been married for 25 years, so some experience. The most important thing is complete honesty. You don't realize how much you don't tell your spouse until you make that conscious choice. You might have bounced a check, don't want to tell her, she has enough on her mind. Money can cause lots of problems, but it's mostly because you don't have enough of it. Especially when you're young and hungry. If you don't want kids, get it out there. You fucked up and cheated, be honest. If they know everything about you they'll be able to trust you, the second biggest thing. If you say you're going to do something do it right. If I tell you something in total confidence I have to know you're never going to repeat it to anyone on the planet. All of these things could be deal breakers, but your partner has to know what those things are.
    I think so many marriages end in divorce because women marry men thinking they can change the things she doesn't like about her man. Leave them alone. The 3 Fs: Feed 'em, Fuck 'em and Finance 'em. As long as at least one of those are going on men will be chill. More women need to learn to think like men, it's impossible because we just don't have the same brain chemistry, we're hardwired a certain way. Of course there are exclusions, nothing is absolute. I'm just sharing my pot addled thoughts.
    Appearance is an issue for me, I'm one of those "throw away all your make up and fake eyelashes and fake boobs." chicks. But, you will find that there is some special characteristic your partner has that you just love. Everybody else may not be able to see it but you will.
    Compromise is of course important. You can't win wars without signing some treaties. You don't know someone until you're married because chicks change and men don't. You're in the beginnings of a relationship, love is in the air, all is good. A week later, you've been cooped up with them for a while, maybe you had a honeymoon and noticed some shit you've never seen before. That's where annulments come into play, it happens all the time. You don't even want to fart in front of your boyfriend FFS! You are still keeping the bathroom door closed, you think eating out is fun. Once you're really in there, living with each other year in and year out you find out all the good stuff about your mate. You find out if there really are some skeleton deal breakers, and whether you can deal with those or not. That's when you find out what love really is, when the bad shit hits the fan how are you going to deal with it? Something will go wrong in your life, it happens every day. Are you going to be able to stand by your mate no matter what they've done or does it drive a wedge between you that you can never quite get over? Alright, that's enough outta me.

  7. IMO, not necessarily in this order - trust, friendship, communication, being able to count on each other, compromise, agreeing to disagree because you're not always going to see eye-to-eye, respect, consideration, treat each other with kindness, sex, etc...

    Marriage is a work in process, constantly evolving. Any good relationship has many facets and is a two-way street. You take care of each other, nurture your relationship and watch it develop into something better than anything you could have ever imagined. The spark that you're asking about - can be a raging inferno :ey: after the 'new relationship lust' wears off. ;)

    Sex is important, it is a level of intimacy that you share with your spouse and no-one else (for us anyway). That said, it's not a weapon or something that you use to get what you want, it's one of those facet's of your relationship where you should thoroughly enjoy each other.

    You should definitely have fun with your spouse / marriage, Yoda and I have a blast with each other! It doesn't matter what we're doing, we enjoy each others company.

    Marriage will be what you and your spouse make of it, it takes two people to develop and maintain a healthy relationship.

  8. The divorce rate is probably closer to 60-70%. Marriage is a dying institution in America, unfortunately. My first marriage ended in divorce. We were married for six years, and were basically roommates. We never had kids because she was so focused on her career even though I could've carried us just fine with my income. For the last couple of years, we'd see each other at night only. She'd be out the door before I even woke up, and I'd usually wind up working until 7 or 8 due to the nature of my work. She was always all about the money and would always bitch about it even though we had plenty. She'd also constantly talk about how we were a "power couple".....Whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. Long story short, she wound up fucking the computer tech at her office after hours for about a year before I even knew about it. They even went on a vacation together that I didn't know about until after we were separated. She told me she was going out of town for "training". Yeah......

    At age 30, I found myself freshly divorced and starting over. Since she and her boyfriend strategically planned out the financial aspects of our separation before I was even aware of it, I basically lost my ass before I even had a chance to salvage it. House, savings, cash on hand....Gone. I rebounded financially rather quickly, but I played the field for a looooong time after my divorce. My ex-wife didn't, and instead married the guy that she cheated on me with before the ink was dry on our divorce papers. Their marriage failed after six years as well, due to her infidelity. They had a kid together though, so now that dumb ass is fucked with child support payments for the foreseeable future. Sucks to be him.

    My second wife is a stay at home mom, and I wouldn't have it any other way. She doesn't care about all the superficial bullshit that my first wife cared about. We enjoy the company of one another, and work together as a team. Outside of being a terrific mom, she's also a wonderful homemaker. We rarely go out or socialize with too many people, and she's every bit as put off by that sort of shit as I am. We share many of the same interests, and focus on our home and our son's development. That's what a family should be like.

  9. Tell that to rich celebrities lol. They have the highest divorce rate ever so $$ can make or break either way.
  10. It's different for everyone...we'll have our 40th wedding anniversary next June...and have been together for 6 years before getting married.
  11. Celebrities are playing and different ball.
    They're marriages are scrutinized by millions of watching eyes.

    Also celebrities usually settle out of court during divorce and that likely means large sums of money/assets being exchanged.
  12. Well, I can't claim to have been married anywhere near as long as some of the veterans here, but here's what I've learned from my failures and those I've witnessed.

    Don't marry anyone you haven't been in a relationship with at least 2-3 years and don't get married under age 25. If either of these things aren't true, you're just not ready because you're not mature enough and neither is your relationship.

    Marriage is a lot of work and that will always be true. If you're not ready to put the work in, don't get married. If something goes wrong, it's up to both of you to make it right, no matter what that takes, even counselling. Just do it. And always be prepared to compromise. It's a lot easier and a lot less expensive than divorce. And no matter how tempted you are to cheat, just don't do it. It's not worth it. It really, really hurts the other person. It's not fair to your spouse and it's not fair to the children. And I'm saying that as a woman who once cheated. It was a stupid and selfish thing to do. I was lucky to be forgiven but I was never trusted again...I didn't deserve to be.

    The person who said men never change and women do, is so right, except in one regard: physically. And in both cases, it's not necessarily for the better, especially after the children arrive. And in the woman's case, it's not that she's letting herself go, it's that pregnancy and childbirth can mess some women up hormonally and metabolically. So you'd better love that person you're considering marrying 100% unconditionally enough to literally die for them or you won't be happy.

    Always have the other person's back, no matter what. You have to be morally supportive of one another and present a united front against all outsiders and outside influences. That includes each other's friends, parents, your children (and those little tykes will try to divide and conquer, believe me), your employers' demands on your time and energy, etc.

    Know what you want in your marriage and how you're going to get it. What kind of home and lifestyle is important to you? Do you want children? If so, how many? If either of you has multiple births in your family, make allowances for that (my eldest daughter didn't and two kids became four...and twins are exhausting as well as expensive, especially when they're fraternal because they don't always sleep at the same time). Make sure you're on the same page about childbirth philosophies and discipline too.

    You also need to agree about financial and retirement planning. How are you going to plan and save for the children's futures? What about saving up for financial crisis like job loss or natural disasters (insurance doesn't cover everything), and catastrophic illness? If you plan ahead for these things, it reduces the possibility that they can threaten your marriage later. And never, ever, ever put the rewards of vacations and toys (new cars, recreational vehicles, etc.) before priorities. My eldest and her husband didn't do that and they're in a heap of trouble over debt for it. Don't buy or do things you truly can't afford.

    Remember that if and when you have children, they should not be the sole focus of your marriage. You need to have time out alone together with and without friends because one day, the kids will be grown up and gone and the two of you better not be strangers when that day comes.

    As for the superficial things, like physical attraction, you know, if you really genuinely love someone, that isn't the top priority. You should love them with your heart, not your eyes because that's what true love is. That's what it really means to say "love is blind." You don't see the other person's physical deficits or shortcomings. It means you see them like no one else ever could because you see their inner beauty, the part that's special to no one else but you. That's the part that makes it possible to grow old and gray with someone. In your heart, they will always be young and handsome/beautiful to you because you love them for who they really are deep inside.

    When you feel that way about someone and you know you've both been completely honest with each other, you're ready to consider marriage.
  13. The key is to find somebody to love, find somebody that can cook, find somebody who fucks your brains out, & and find somebody who works then make sure none of them ever run into the wife ...
  14. YAY! :) Great post.

    I don't think that marriage is for everyone by any means anymore but when everything comes together for the right couple marriage can be an incredible thing. It's not just about the good times; the bad times are just as important to build the whole but to be completely comfortable for the long term with another human being is an indescribable feeling. It's actually a huge relief knowing that you don't need to go through the whole dating thing ever again - yuck. I don't miss that. I don't think everyone should be married but I'm so glad I am.

    Again, nice post Canny.


  15. Thank you, Jerry.

    I agree, marriage is not for everyone. It's not for me anymore. I'm retired from dating now. And I don't miss it either.
  16. I think a really good point here is that not everybody has won playing the marriage game. I'm not gonna delve on that idea deep here, but..
    Like for example, a poster here said 2-3 years is enough to determine if somebody is worth marrying, i disagree. I think 2-3 years is acceptable to figure out if somebody is a suitable roommate. I think marriage takes much, much more than that. Mind you, some people will take that extra time and their marriage will still fail and likewise, people will get married in a week and never look back ever again, but you can't focus on that. Those people aren't you, just as these people in this thread aren't you. They don't know you. You might not even know you.

    All i'm saying is that you should probably take this decision a little more seriously than being stoned on a forum, browsing for positive vibes. There are serious legal repercussions to a decision like this and they need to be weighed, examined and weighed again. I mean, this entire idea of marriage has something called a prenup, where you basically look at this person and go "Hey, i realize we're gonna spend the rest of our life together.. But i don't really trust you." <--- That is fucking retarded. They literally made that an option in marriage. Why? Because sometimes, smart people make really, really, really dumb decisions. Best of luck.

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