Manic Depression. Im An Alcoholic. Please Help :(.

Discussion in 'Fitness, Health & Nutrition' started by Delightfully High, Jun 10, 2014.

  1. #1 Delightfully High, Jun 10, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2014
    TL;DR AT THE BOTTOM
    Ok I'm gonna start off by telling you a bit about my past. Growing up I lived in a poverty stricken family. We would sometimes go 3 or so days without food before we were able to acquire some from a church or a soup kitchen but usually only received enough food to last my family and I two or so days as we lived in a two bedroom home with about thirteen other people not including myself (most of which were on some hard drug).
     
    I didn't have a bed or a room. I slept on the floor with most of the adults. We didn't have heat or A/C and we didn't have to many blankets or pillows so most nights I would sleep on just the floor were it was either to hot or to cold but I had to sleep there. During christmas time all I got was a false tree with some old lights a church gave to us (most of the bulbs didn't work) along with a shoe box filled with the same stuff every year (the present was just a tooth brush ,some socks ,a stuffed animal ,and a pamphlet that told the story of jesus) until I was about ten years old when the church stopped giving out the shoe boxes at which point I got nothing.
     
    Every year on my birthday I got a "happy birthday" and nothing more (no cake ,no ice cream ,no gifts) if my family remembered my birthday (most years they didn't). My mom always remembered and celebrated my bday from what some of my family members told me but I wouldn't know as she died when I was 3.
     
    My father was abusive (although to be fair he isn't right in the head in the sense that he doesn't think before he acts because he was in a bad wreck one year after my mother died that killed his brother and injured him so badly the docs  said he'd never walk ,talk ,see ,or hear again but miraculously in just two short years he could talk (but sometimes stutters and drools) ,he could see (but he's color blind) ,he could hear (but due to severe ear damage he has chronic migraines 5 or so days out of the week randomly). He also can't do anything other than simple math ,he also has a terrible memory (if you showed him a flash card and told him to remember it he will SOMETIMES forget what was on the card within 30 minutes or so).
     
    I didn't get spankings I got punched and hit with the belt buckle. If I and three other kids were made to stand in a corner my grandmother would let the other kids out of the corner after about thirty minutes or so but my father would always say "no your fucking ass is going to stand right there until I tell you to move) and if I turned away from the corner he would grab the back of my head and slam my head into the corner (busted my nose a few times).
     
    At school I was bullied everyday to put into perspective just how badly I was bullied I'll tell you give you blades/bladies just a few instances in which I was severally bullied. On more than a few occasions kids would knock my books out of my hands and kick them wildly about the floor while everyone watched and laughed. I've had my head slammed into lockers ,kids have told me that "my fat ass doesn't deserve to live . That's why god killed my mom because he's trying to tell me to kill myself) ,etc....
     
    I could go on and on and on with story after story telling the story of my fucked up life (I'm sure there are people out there that have it a WHOLE lot worse but mine is still pretty bad) but I'm sure most of you won't even read this.
     
    MOVING ON so as you could imagine I became very depressed. I lost interest in all things and I've attempted suicide on more than a few occasions (sometimes I pussy out at the last second but most of the time something just goes wrong) until age 13 when I discovered sweet sweet cannabis. Weed takes away the pain and numbs my sadness. Weed helps me feel something that before I found weed had never felt before. Utter bliss! Sadly in 2010 I was put on probation thus causing me to give up my sweet savior mary jane.
     
    Without weed I feel CONSTANTLY depressed ,I have nightmares ,I contemplate suicide but I have a child on the way and doing so would render me selfish so I've turned to drinking. It's the only thing that numbs the pain but it's affecting my finances ,love life ,body ,and mind negatively but I can't go even one day without a high or else I just want to crawl into bed ,slit my wrists ,and watch this fucked up world slowly fade away.
     
    I've considered seeking medical attention but have no insurance and am almost positive the docs will send me to a psych word or write me off as some kid trying to get the hook up on some drugs. I also don't believe in shrinks as they're nothing more to me than a bunch of people payed to act like they give a fuck about my problems and diagnose me with something I probably don't even have.
     
    I salute all the blades and or bladies that survived that arsenal of text.
     
    TL;DR: <span style="font-size:14px;">I grew up poor ,was abused by my father ,bullied ,my mother died when I was 3. I'm depressed ALL THE TIME sometimes over nothing. I've attempted suicide several times. The only time I'm happy is if I'm numbed by a high and can't smoke cannabis atm as I'm still on probation so all I can do is drink which has become a nightly thing. I can't seek medical attention because doctors will think I only want drugs or send me to the crazy house.  </span>
     
    What do you guys suggest I do? What would you do?

     
  2. #2 hwillieyams, Jun 10, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2014
    I'm sorry to hear your story, and am happy for you that you have found this force of positivity in your life.  Let's see if we can't reunite you and the herb!
    No advice here really, just a question: how much longer are you on probation for?  Can you wait it out?
     
  3. #3 dankness420, Jun 10, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2014
    Damn bro that's harsh, made me tear up.  I think you just need to focus on the present/future and forget the past.  I to am an alcoholic and a daily toker.  Just stay positive, be brave and things will look up.  Want to move to Canada?  I could use a roommate. just need to hold a job and enjoy the things that life has to offer.
     
    Stay positive my friend.
     
  4. Awwww sorry I almost made ya cry brah and I do focus on the present. If anything I completely block out my past. I only tell you guys my "short life story" to give you a feel of who I am and what might be causing my depression. I wish I could move to Canada but sadly atm I live in Ga. usa ,have no money for travel ,and have a child on the way. Thanks for the positive vibes friend. The only reason I'm somewhat feeling them is I'm buzzed atm and got three more beers to go. Woooooooo :(
     
    I haven't found positivity. I've merely found the illusion of positivity. I MIGHT get off this August but if not I won't get off for 2 more years. I wish I could wait it out but I can't I NEED to be high or at least tipsy every night or I slip into utter depression. Sometimes during these episodes I just stare at random objects for hours on in thinking of things along the lines of what people would think once I end it all ,or killing people that have wronged me in the worst possible ways. 
     
  5. step 1. quit alcohol. 
     
  6. OH WOW! NO FUCKING WAY BROS! I"M SUDDENLY FUCKING CURED BECAUSE EINSTEIN HERE KNOWS ALL ABOUT MANIC DEPRESSION/ALCOHOLISM AND JUST GAVE ME THE HOLY FUCKING GRAIL OF ADVICES! Do yourself a favor dude and learn to not just mindlessly post on a thread you haven't even taken the time to glance at but instead take 2 seconds out of your day to at least look at the TL;DR provide which I admit is long in itself but hey if you don't like it then take your business elsewhere.
     
  7.  
    actually i read your whole thread. you think that alcohol is not contributing to your endless depression?
    how do you plan to end your alcoholism? or do you suggest it is helping you?
     
    p.s. you don't know anything about me, so really there's no need to get all hostile. 
     
  8. <span style="font-size:14px;">"I can't seek medical attention because doctors will think I only want drugs or send me to the crazy house."</span>
     
    Strong logic BRUH
     
    Stop making excuses and go get therapy?  Try CBT.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
     
    You got to put the past in the...past and move the fuck on.
     
    Your dad was from your own words, pretty much retarded and not in his right mind.  Sorry to hear your mom passed away while you were so young but sometimes it's better it happened while you were younger rather than when you were older and possibly had more memories.  It could've been way more devastating for you.
     
    Sorry to hear you got beat, been there,for years and years.
     
    Be a better man, yeah?  Don't become worse than your dad by becoming a fucking drunk.  You're just digging your self a bigger hole bro.
     
     
    Get out and get help, do positive things. Work out like there's no tomorrow.
     
    Most people fucking complain and whine about how they're so sad but all they want to do is pop pills and drink.  They don't try to change how they think and do physical activities.
     
    You can tell a bunch of people on the internet how your life sucks or you can go out and do something about it.  It's your choice bruh.
     
  9. You just gotta learn to cope. Trust me man, many of us have the exact same.problems.

    Sent from my LG-E739 using Grasscity Forum mobile app
     
  10. You ain't alone man, just remember that always.
     
  11. You've got to start looking forward and stop letting your past put you down. Do everything you can to stay positive. Start going to the gym and being active. The only way to stop being an alcoholic is to stop drinking.
     
  12. Alc will make it worse man I been there drinking myself to sleep everynight. Its no fun but try to take a break for a week or 2. You might be surprised and realize you dont need it to get by.
     
  13. If you had read the entire topic you would know that I can't stop drinking. Well I can but I become very VERY depressed and yes alcohol is contributing to my depression but it's also the only thing that prevents it for at least a couple of hours which isn't ideal but at least it's something (yes my depression is so bad I'd rather be fucked up at least a few hours a day rather than endure the extreme sadness) and idk how I'm going to end it that's why I'm asking you guys for advice on as to how I can cease my drug use and be happy or at least a little less depressed if when I'm sober I'm completely miserable and find nothing and I mean nothing enjoyable or interesting. Again it isn't helping me that's why I'm trying to quit but tbh I don't see myself stopping until I get some sort of medication designed to ease stress and depression or until I get off probation and am able to transition back to smoking cannabis which I can do without any problem. I don't need a specific high I just need a high.
     
    Also I do apologize for becoming as hostile as I did as I was pretty cranky this morning (I was sobering up and had 15 minutes to get to work) when I woke up as it was very childish of me but I will not apologize for suggesting you take your business elsewhere because you seem as though you could careless about the topic and instead posted just for the sake of posting. I already know the first step is quitting but how do you propose I cope with the depression that will follow?
     
    As previously stated I don't have the insurance nor the time to go through therapy but I've considered it and as I also stated previously that "If anything I completely block out my past. I only tell you guys my "short life story" to give you a feel of who I am and what might be causing my depression". And I'm not a drunk I'm an alcoholic I have a job ,I work around the house ,I don't get drunk and beat my wife I get drunk and look up stupid shit on the internet ,and if I don't have the money for alcohol or something I don't flip my shit and go drink rubbing alcohol or mouth wash like a real drunk would do I just get severely depressed and can't find a way to cope with it (also before I became an alcoholic I was completely sober for a good three months and was running six miles a day in an hour so I am very familiar with exercise but I started hitting the bottle and all that stopped and I gained a good 25lbs.
     
    within about a month) ,and I am trying to change how I think but there in lies the problem I don't know how to change the way I think. In order to solve a problem you have to know what is causing the problem and eliminate it but what could be causing this problem? I don't think it's entirely my past as I have blocked out my past in order to elimintate it yet my depression persists. Again I have made the choice to change and am trying to but can't. Depression isn't something you can just cut on and off as you know.
     
    The question is how do I cope with severe depression that causes me to not take interest in anything other than getting fucked up.
     
    Trust me I know I'm not alone. That's why I said this "I'm sure there are people out there that have it a WHOLE lot worse but mine is still pretty bad".
     
  14. If I took a two week break I would literally snap on everyone and everything that crossed my path but I'll give it a try. I've tried more than a few times but it's always the same I make it to the three day mark and give in.
     
  15. "If anything I completely block out my past. I only tell you guys my "short life story" to give you a feel of who I am and what might be causing my depression." and I do try to stay positive but how do you stay positive when everything around you is so black and grey? I don't have time for a gym but I do try my best to squeeze in a good thirty minute work out five days out of the week but it's so hard to work out when nothing motivates you.
     
    That's another reason I miss weed. I could smoke then work out and it made me confident ,happy ,and motivated. Now if I tried working out after drinking I'd get a bar bell to the face I'm sure plus it'd be kind of pointless considering I'd only be working out the body I'm destroying plus the only calories I'd be burning are the ones I had just put on. And I know the only way to stop being an alcoholic is to quit but how do I cope with my depression after I quit if nothing interests or motivates me.
     
  16.  
    i know my answer seemed arrogant... i did so a little on purpose.
    the simplicity of it is the scary part. but if you are completely honest with yourself... you know what needs to be done. you seem to at least acknowledge it. 
     
    the reason you fall into a deeper depression when you quit is because your gaba receptors which were shut down by alcohol now wake up and you begin to experience all kinds of shit coming to the surface. well, that's a part of detox...
     
    unfortunately you cannot cure your depression if you do not quit drinking, ask any doctor or counselor or anyone who knows about this field. they'll tell you the same thing.   
     
  17. I already know what needs to be done. I just don't have the strength mentally to do what needs to be done. Call me weak because that's what I am but how do I become strong enough mentally to cope with life sober? That's an interesting fact I was not aware of that I'll look into.
     
    I am aware I can't solve my depression unless I quit drinking as alcohol is a depressant but that's just it I can't quit drinking because I'm so weak mentally that I don't know how to cope with sobriety as I previously stated and before you suggest yoga or motivational videos just know I've tried those and they don't work for me unfortunately. Exercise used to help me cope but ever since all the music genres of this generation have gone to shit I don't have anything to motivate me enough to get up and get active.
     
  18. you're going to have find something other than a substance to live for. what do you enjoy doing?
     
  19. Think of your kid on the way. You don't want him/her to live the same childhood you did, focus on that and I'm sure that will motivate you. You've seen first hand what its like to loose a parent, I'm sure you don't want to put your own child through it. Clean up for your kid, if you need something to focus on prepare for your kids room, find a hobby etc. Having self destructive tendencies is only going to set you back. If you don't make some changes soon you may be in this same situation but with another human life to care for. I don't mean to come off harsh or standoffish but I really do hope your life changes for the better. Best of luck Delightfully High the city is here for you!
     
  20. I have something to live for my child but as bad as it may sound she doesn't take away the depression and I enjoy a lot of things for very short periods of time but I'm still depressed while doing the things I enjoy so I can never fully enjoy whatever activity I'm doing (I have aDD and aDhD.........and ocd but that's beside the point). I need a hobby and had one but thanks to probation I can't fully pursue it. My hobby is weed I love everything about it not just the high which is why I love to study it ,grow it ,etc.... .
     

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