Love is a fucking terrbile roller coaster. (it's a long read)

I'm sitting here high for the first time in a long damn time. In fact, I'm completely stoned. It was an attempt to expand my thoughts and let them wander, but it didn't fucking work.

When I'm high and I've got things on my mind, I either talk or write. And considering I suck at "expressing my feelings" through words, I'm writing. I sat and debated on whether or not to provide a full back story, but I think it's the only way to make any sense of it. Hell, I hope you guys can follow it. I've got a habit of taking real life problems and turning them into a narrative. I guess I'm using GC as my notepad, so I can maybe get some advice and/or comments. They're all appreciated.

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Last summer, I met a girl, Holly. In the beginning, it was the same as any other. It wasn't long until I began thinking about her constantly. She was the first girl I've dated whose feelings I took into consideration and placed before my own. The first one that made me think of the consequences of my usual fucked up shenanigans. (I'm high, the word makes me giggle, leave me alone ) At about four months in, I began to wonder, is it love? I thought about this for some time. I almost let it slip out a few times, but caught myself. Finally, I decided that I was, in fact, in love with the girl. I took her to my favorite smoking/thinking/happy place and let the three little words come out of my mouth.

It was a total relief when her eyes lit up, a tear fell, and she smiled, "I love you, too." She said, those words forever burned into my mind. It began a seven month blissful, beautiful period of my life. I could not have been happier. Every Friday, I was like the fat kid at the candy shop. I suffered through 40 hours of bullshit and all the stress went away whenever I got to spend those two days with her. It's corny, but I fell in love more and more everyday. I even grew to love the bad habits and insecurities.

Back in March, things began to get a bit shaky. Arguments became much more frequent. But we were able to push through. Then things began to really unravel. I started my usual shady bullshit. I began to take her for granted, though I didn't understand that then. I continued to do so until the girl finally made the wise decision to leave. I can't say that I blame her, considering her efforts far exceeded my own.

It wasn't two weeks later that I met another girl, Shauna. I knew it was much too soon, but decided to take the leap anyways and take the rebound. Everything was pressured and forced. I was pressured into using the word love, but I regrettably stayed with her. I spent a few months with her, miserable. I still thought about Holly and compared Shauna's every move to hers. That relationship eventually went sour and I set out and found another. It didn't work out because my mind was still stuck on Holly. It wasn't because I was still "in love", it was "what if?" and regret.

I went to Shauna's house to get my things, when I get a text from a friend of mine, who happens to be Holly's cousin. I was instructed to stay there, which I did. Shauna and I eventually ended up arguing, ending with me kicking open her door...only to find Holly and her cousin standing outside. That strange, awkward feeling took over. What do I do? What do I say? Do I say anything?

I chose to ignore her and leave. I was stopped by Holly, inviting me to go eat with them. I took her up on her offer, because, hell, I was hungry. I took it as nothing and proceeded with business and usual. The next morning, I receive a text from Holly, saying that she had fun and it was really nice seeing me. I agreed, bid her farewell, and it was business as usual. But she was persistent. And we've been talking ever since.

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to join her and a few of her friends and her grandparents lake house for the weekend. I took the offer. That Friday, we ended up sleeping together. That's not when all these fucking "love" feelings came back. I could have left without saying a word to her. It was that Saturday whenever we had a three hour drunken heart-to-heart, in which we discussed our past problems, our lives and relationships since, and getting back together. I was asked the question, "I know you really loved me, but do you still?" I sat in an awkward silence for a moment with my mind racing, involuntarily saying, "Yes." It just come out. And she admitted to feeling the same. We left the possibility of getting back together open, both of us agreeing to take it slow, day by day.

We've hung out since then, even going out together, alone. I haven't completely zeroed in on her, as I'm still meeting and talking to other girls. I'm trying to be careful and avoid setting myself up for total heartbreak. It's shaky ground for me, as I've never attempted to get back together with an ex girlfriend. I have no idea how to go about it, but I've completely thrown "game" out the window, as she knows every single one of my tricks.

I don't know guys. I'm too high for this shit. My fingers hurt. Maybe it makes sense, I don't know.