Hey everyone, I have a big question regarding my mental state as of lately. Before I begin, I'm not asking "omg wut do I do wif my life" I'm just looking for some input/a little reassurance/slight guidance. I know you're all internet forum posters, not doctors. Just maybe some people I can somewhat connect with a little more. So to start off, I'm 19 (may want to know this) and for a long time was very against the use of drugs. A little ignorant, not ashamed to admit. Of course got interested in experimenting as I learned more yada yada..smoke pretty much religiously for more than a year now and have had two spiritual "experiences". I never would of expected my outlook on life to ever be like how it is now. I was sooo against it all.. my first few times smoking were terrible because I just couldn't comprehend it. Fast forward to a few months ago. Absolutely comfortable with smoking and thinking in new ways I never would have before. Expanding my mind even more would be awesome right? It was, but almost TOO awesome if you know what I mean. The second time was a confirmation of the first. Like yup, you really fucking were 'sploring the universe. Something way more difficult to comprehend. I don't want to say I should of held off on it, but maybe. A psychiatrist told me I was bipolar long ago. The curiosity that once drove my joy for music, food, and love has seemed to cease ever since being so manically depressed at a point in my life. Even though I'm more financially stable than ever, in college doing WELL for once, overcame any shyness I've ever had towards people, life seems to just drag on. I can see the green grass and the blue sky, hear the splashing water and the birds sing but it all registers in my head now as gray, lifeless and just noise. I'm fine with making friends, because that's all they will ever be. I'm scared to get close with a girl because I almost don't believe anyone is real. I've had two girlfriends and have felt happy with them before, but those memories don't bring back even the slightest feelings simply because they no longer exist in my soul anymore. I've really almost accepted that this is how my life will be. I'm so young and I'm already going nuts?.. Basically, my negative thoughts on life has reached a new threshold since. It's beyond just thinking "man life sucks" as it once was. Now I just feel..well..not quite real anymore. I honestly, truly just don't know what to think. What if it just doesn't matter? What if you're all not real and just telling me lies? My perspective is the only thing that exists to me after all. Anything fucked up from A to Z will fly through my head spontaneously and stays there until I put my attention elsewhere. Anything that causes me to think too much will trigger these phases. Gazing at stars even. I have to be careful when I get stoned! I want to reverse this. If my mind can send me into the darkest depths, I'm SURE It can do the opposite. If I'm able to at least cope with this right now, I have a chance of feeling at peace with the world again and not against it. You would never guess that this war is raging inside of my head because I really lead a great life. I stay so positive, work hard, treat others with the utmost respect but I just feel as it's a mask that I'm wearing and that I HAVE to. I want to feel again. I want to live in the "here and now"! Ultimately.. What kind of steps can I take to accept this existence and not be so scared of it? Is it something I can one day comprehend? Has anyone else felt this way before perhaps? Please excuse my ranting. Just getting it off of my chest helped a ton. Looking over it now I feel kind of lame, but what would be the point if I didn't post it? If something does not make sense, please let me know. Any advice at this point helps.
I know exactly how you feel and this mask we're forced to wear is like watching Dexter. You just don't know what to do stuck in between keeping the mask on an off. I guess its the situation that calls for it when someone sees you in another light aka masked then you put the mask on because they won't see in any other light other in that mask or unmask yourself and whatever happens happens in the long run. I think in the end you just have to stay true to yourself and roll with the punches, no matter how much known context you cover and perceive to own its no match against the unknown. I think this is were calm and equanimity comes from, the quiet before the storm and the enjoyment from it knowing you're riding right into it not knowing if you're gonna be fine or not but it doesn't matter because you're content with the current state you're in and that now lasts forever. Stepping out of it it seems throws you around with the waves and wind but just being that ship right in front of the perfect storm calm ready stoic, I think thats life. Making that decision to go into the storm. I hope this helps you as well as your post did help me
Ya bro, I can relate 100%... Most of the things you wrote are pretty spot on if I could describe my life. The best advice I can give is to appreciate the finer things in life. Or at least try to. The point of our lives is to follow the right path and for some of us finding that path may take some time. But once you find it, it's totally worth it.
this came to mind Dukkha as a raging fire "The All is aflame. What All is aflame? The eye is aflame. Forms are aflame. Consciousness at the eye is aflame. Contact at the eye is aflame. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on contact at the eye - experienced as pleasure, pain or neither-pleasure-nor-pain - that too is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I tell you, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs. "The ear is aflame. Sounds are aflame... "The nose is aflame. Aromas are aflame... "The tongue is aflame. Flavors are aflame... "The body is aflame. Tactile sensations are aflame... "The intellect is aflame. Ideas are aflame. Consciousness at the intellect is aflame. Contact at the intellect is aflame. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on contact at the intellect - experienced as pleasure, pain or neither-pleasure-nor-pain - that too is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I say, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs." - SN 35.28 The First Noble Truth: The Noble Truth of dukkha
dude i read something about this somewhere there is a Ying and a Yan in everything , everything has its "second half" or its "opposite" like love-hate good-evil , even is physical real things like Hot-Cold well our outlook should be the same , half knowing that the world shouldn't matter so much and to relax and be free then half concentrating on like and day to day living , keep your mind on what is at present 'find the middle way'- The Buddha said at one point
we need to find middle ground, we need balance - lil wayne you cant get on my level because, im so un-level
Depersonalization is common in adolescent males. Depersonalization disorder - MayoClinic.com Many people just grow out of it. When you think of all the brain development you're going through, it does not seem so odd to have a few glitches. If it continues to bother you, you may wish to speak to your physician.
Hah, I watch Dexter too. Even before watching Dexter I've always felt like i'm also wearing different masks, pretending to express emotion. When people tell me someone died, or something horrible, I know it's bad, but I don't feel any emotional pain. It's hard for me to act sad, as I don't feel it at all. I know it may sound like a horrible idea, but maybe you should smoke a little less herb? It might help a bit.
I feel for you bro, I felt as if everything was an illusion before. I remember one time, I got so f'in high, that I believed I was in some type of matrix, or the mp5 program from repo-man type of thing. As if my reality was made by an outside source, for my perception. And I also was thinking hyper-conspiracy theorist, wherein I began tripping out hard, I thought my bed had needles in it, connected to some supercomputer, so that it can fuck with my mind while I sleep. And that that people outside, were just making noise, and that the truth was they were listening in on me, my every single move, and everything. So I laid down on the floor, and took some medicine for psychosis, that eventually killed my high, and I was back to normal. It was a bad trip, I've had good trips before though. Can't quite remember them though, now I just smoke every once in awhile, because one hit from some mediocre shit would fuck me up. Try not to worry about peoples authenticity. Because truth be told, people are as real as they get, they can even be really fake, but at least you know that. Everyone has some value, and no one is lesser than another though some perspectives would say otherwise. Just stay chill, and try to be open toward things, and acknowledge your self-worth, you aren't just some psychotic good-for-nothing, you are an individual, if you respect yourself, and others, others will respect you. And you really don't have to trip on anything. Just try to stay sober while high, and everything will be fine.
Dude the perspective I used to have on life i guarentee would make %50 of the population commit suicide.I would usually have thoughts about how life was just usin me and how it was hell. I wanted to rebel and the only way I could of would've been takin my own life. And right now I know death is gonn be the best trip ever and when your feelin down it could really send your mind thinkin. Also I felt that suicide was like the result of extreme intellignce and that it was what happened when you reached a certain level of thinking. It's a constant battle to keep my mind occupied and not go to far into thinkin bout life. To me life really has no purpose at all and to me thats pretty damn beautiful. I've definately gotten out of a yr long depressive state that I thought would never change but amazingly now I get out nd do shit and live life to the fullest.
op im sort of going thru that but im mainly just bummed out about my life because i never have anytime off. instead of working to live i live to work pretty much it blows dick man
PLEASE READ THIS ONE I think just like you, i had almost convinced myself at one point that i was bi-polar. I've had THOSE EXACT THOUGHTS, that other people might just be nothing and I'm the only one going through some huge giant test or experiment or something, and lots of other versions of the same concept. I'm telling you right now that I'm a real person that is experiencing relatively the same reality as you right now. Now, you could say that I could still not be real, and just trying to trick you or something right now, and how do I know that you are real? You can take it too far. In this life we will never know what the hell life is meant to be. It's fine to have those kind of "strange" thoughts, you may think they are strange but I'd be willing to bet a large amount of people in the world have these same thoughts. I would always think too much about stuff like that, and I still do, but I realized something, even if life is really some alter-reality that you don't know about, who cares? We need to live this reality right now the best we can. Humans need eachother, we thrive off attention and recognition of eachother. People are happy when they think they are bringing happiness to others. What you need to do is start thinking of others, even if it doesn't make you happy, try to make someone else happy however you can, because more than likely they be going through the same shit as you. Pretty soon you'll start feeling happier. All we know is the reality we live in now so why worry about what it "might" be? We'll figure that out once we die i bet. Another thing to do to that actually makes life better is limit yourself on things, like weed, alcohol, junk food, w/e it is that you really like. Because when you let yourself have those things they seem way better. I would suggest a break from the ganj just to let your mind recooperate and remember what it was like before you were high everyday. I hope this made sense I'm pretty baked. I'm only 18 and am just talking from experience, but experience as a smart, lonely pot head that thinks too much and studies the life around him.
Interesting piece. If you don't have a higher authority, it is as if your just a player in a game, with no goals. I can relate to many people in here.
Stop being afraid of losing your grip of reality and you grip it better. I'd suggest meditating on your thoughts. Perhaps ask the thought, "What is your true value, what is your essence? From whence did you spring forth and why did you come? Ask yourself What effect does this thought have on me? Give your thoughts your urgent attention, let them come and once fully realized, let them go. Do not allow anything, do not disallow anything. Allow your mind to project that which it wishes, you being as of a witness. Remember, you are the witness and not the projection and the projection need not effect you. Realizing this brings inner peace, and a center of being will be established. Focus again on your breath and the silence that lies between your thoughts and your breaths. Whenever distracted, return to the breath. Remain in peace in the nature of mind. Experience the bliss and delight that this wonderful state brings. Return anytime necessary.