Hey everyone, I have a big question regarding my mental state as of lately. Before I begin, I'm not asking "omg wut do I do wif my life" I'm just looking for some input/a little reassurance/slight guidance. I know you're all internet forum posters, not doctors. Just maybe some people I can somewhat connect with a little more. So to start off, I'm 19 (may want to know this) and for a long time was very against the use of drugs. A little ignorant, not ashamed to admit. Of course got interested in experimenting as I learned more yada yada..smoke pretty much religiously for more than a year now and have had two spiritual "experiences". I never would of expected my outlook on life to ever be like how it is now. I was sooo against it all.. my first few times smoking were terrible because I just couldn't comprehend it. Fast forward to a few months ago. Absolutely comfortable with smoking and thinking in new ways I never would have before. Expanding my mind even more would be awesome right? It was, but almost TOO awesome if you know what I mean. The second time was a confirmation of the first. Like yup, you really fucking were 'sploring the universe. Something way more difficult to comprehend. I don't want to say I should of held off on it, but maybe. A psychiatrist told me I was bipolar long ago. The curiosity that once drove my joy for music, food, and love has seemed to cease ever since being so manically depressed at a point in my life. Even though I'm more financially stable than ever, in college doing WELL for once, overcame any shyness I've ever had towards people, life seems to just drag on. I can see the green grass and the blue sky, hear the splashing water and the birds sing but it all registers in my head now as gray, lifeless and just noise. I'm fine with making friends, because that's all they will ever be. I'm scared to get close with a girl because I almost don't believe anyone is real. I've had two girlfriends and have felt happy with them before, but those memories don't bring back even the slightest feelings simply because they no longer exist in my soul anymore. I've really almost accepted that this is how my life will be. I'm so young and I'm already going nuts?.. Basically, my negative thoughts on life has reached a new threshold since. It's beyond just thinking "man life sucks" as it once was. Now I just feel..well..not quite real anymore. I honestly, truly just don't know what to think. What if it just doesn't matter? What if you're all not real and just telling me lies? My perspective is the only thing that exists to me after all. Anything fucked up from A to Z will fly through my head spontaneously and stays there until I put my attention elsewhere. Anything that causes me to think too much will trigger these phases. Gazing at stars even. I have to be careful when I get stoned! I want to reverse this. If my mind can send me into the darkest depths, I'm SURE It can do the opposite. If I'm able to at least cope with this right now, I have a chance of feeling at peace with the world again and not against it. You would never guess that this war is raging inside of my head because I really lead a great life. I stay so positive, work hard, treat others with the utmost respect but I just feel as it's a mask that I'm wearing and that I HAVE to. I want to feel again. I want to live in the "here and now"! Ultimately.. What kind of steps can I take to accept this existence and not be so scared of it? Is it something I can one day comprehend? Has anyone else felt this way before perhaps? Please excuse my ranting. Just getting it off of my chest helped a ton. Looking over it now I feel kind of lame, but what would be the point if I didn't post it? If something does not make sense, please let me know. Any advice at this point helps.