Let's take the high road on the marijuana issue TheSun / John Weeks / 09/21/2010 Believe me, I hear all the talk about how the availability of medical marijuana is driving an upsurge in drug use, and contributing to an epidemic of crime, and ruining American values, and pretty much wrecking the world in general. And I just have to nod my head and say, "I know. I know." I never will forget the time I witnessed a shocking outbreak of fractious behavior involving two potheads that almost led to an act of violence. The two hostile parties argued with great vehemence for most of two or three minutes, though it must have seemed like hours to them, over the important issue of which album to play next: Vanilla Fudge or Canned Heat. I swear, things actually might have come to blows if not for the fact that the two warring factions were deeply involved in a giant bag of tortilla chips. I must say, however, that despite this one shocking incident, I never have heard a lot of news about unruly potheads terrorizing society. There undoubtedly are lots of stories about stoners running amok in this or that village, looting and pillaging, but I've missed all of them, I guess. Anyway, anybody who knows me very well is well aware that I am totally gung-ho about putting into force more rules and regulations concerning private behavior. Society is in a mess, and I don't think there's a way out of it, unless we start keeping closer tabs on people, night and day. So I say let's get these potheads under control, for starters,lets not stop there. Most of you don't know it, because you are respectable members of the community, but every grocery store in the land offers for sale a giddy assortment of attractively packaged poisons that, if ingested, will cause great sickness and possible death. In fact, probable death. I am referring, of course, to insecticides, bleaches and spot removers. Unlike marijuana, which is a natural inhabitant of God's splendid creation, our Earth, insecticides and bleaches and spot removers are artificial toxic chemical potions that absolutely are not part of nature. In fact, they are anti-nature, created in the laboratories of man for the express purpose of destroying natural manifestations such as bugs, dirt and stains. The fact that any six-year-old child with pocket money can walk into one of these so-called businesses and purchase these lethal substances is beyond belief. We not only must shut down the grocery stores, we also must put a stop to hardware stores. Many of you may not know it, being the upstanding citizens that you are, but these seemingly innocent establishments are filled with axes, hatchets, pitchforks and even chainsaws. It's like a horror show in there. Why these dens of lethal terror are allowed to exist in our fragile society is a mystery to me. If they are padlocked tomorrow, it won't be too soon. But our work still won't be done. Please take a seat, gentle reader, and try to remain calm, because I now must tell you that there are certain unsavory quarters, located in every city of our land, where you actually can buy guns. You heard me correctly. Guns. Unlike marijuana, which is a leafy plant that never is mentioned in news stories as a murder weapon, guns are devices intentionally made for the express purpose of destroying life. It may be hard to believe that there are venues, open to the public, that sell these items to paying customers, but it's true. And it's shocking. I'm sure that all of you who believe it's important that we immediately put a stop to the medical marijuana dispensaries will join me in an urgent campaign to also shut down the grocery stores, hardware stores and gun stores. Our future depends on it. Oh, and speaking of the future, where's that other giant bag of tortilla chips?