kiss hank's ass

Discussion in 'Philosophy' started by phunkyphil, Nov 25, 2002.

  1. This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

    "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
    Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
    Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
    John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
    Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
    John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
    Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
    Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
    Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
    John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
    Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
    Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
    Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
    John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
    Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
    Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
    Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
    John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
    Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
    John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
    Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
    Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
    Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?
    John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
    Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
    John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
    Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
    Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
    Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
    John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
    Me: "Who's Karl?"
    Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
    Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
    John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

    John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

    1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
    2. Use alcohol in moderation.
    3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
    4. Eat right.
    5. Hank dictated this list himself.
    6. The moon is made of green cheese.
    7. Everything Hank says is right.
    8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
    9. Don't drink.
    10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
    11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

    Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
    Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
    Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
    John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
    Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
    Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
    Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
    Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
    Me: "How do you figure that?"
    Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
    Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
    John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
    Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of reen cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
    John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
    Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
    Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
    Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
    John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
    Me: "We do?"
    Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
    Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
    John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
    Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

    Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
    Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
    John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
    Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

    Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
    Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

    Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
    John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
    Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

    Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

    With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
  2. What..


    .... fuck????
  3. I missed the whole point of it all. Does that make me a bad person???/ Or maybe I was too straight to get it..........I kept thinking it was a joke but then they got in a car and just sped away.........I'm almost a lil disappointed because I spent all that time reading it and I didnt get it..............
  4. think christianity
  5. huh?

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  6. haha, that was great, did you find that somewhere or did you write it yourself? The next time I come across someone that's unreasonable beyond belief I'm going to use that story to my advantage. Thanks :)
  7. you have to under stand that the whole problem with john and marry was they where following what some ass hole told them hank said in sted of finding out for them selves what was going on

    hank is not the problem is his followers who are to blame...they follow too blindly...

    what good is a head if you dont use it to think for your self...

    and by the way ...i think i could kick hanks ass.....
  8. what the fuck man... i dont get it...
  9. geez man, don't read this when you are really'll be left wondering where the punchline is....

    I got it now that I am sober and paying attention...
  10. damn... that makes soooooo much more sense now... i had no fucking clue what that whole thing meant...
  11. i look at modern religion, especially christianity..alot like when you were a kid and you asked your parents something...and they said "because i said so"..remember how much that pissed you off?.... now think about that from a religious point of view...just like hank...because i said so

    and i couldnt agree with dirty d more...its the blind followers that have ruined religion and spirituality, the people that go because they are told to, not because of personal convictions they have within themselves, our society pounds into childrens heads that they have to believe in a certain god or religion, not because they want to, but because the way it is, and there are so many people that arent enlightened even to themselves that it is sad, im going to bed.

  12. my 2 brain cells understand!!!!! LOL. It's definitely better to read it when sober instead of half lit!!!! LOL.
  13. Man.... I get it now :)

    That's really cool.
  14. just like the us government ...religin started ou as a good thing....untill people corupted it with there own personal agendads....

    the idea that there is a "god"(for lack of a better term)
    is real undnighable...the fact that he wants us all to kiss his ass or go to hell is redickulous....

    the power behind everything ..does not want us to be slaves
    or morons...

    we are free spirits made to live and expeereiance!

    and that is what hank would want if he where god!

    only mans greedy need to controle one another hads deve,oped the backwards religins practiced today

    in a true religin would simply live ...and be a part of everything arround you ...

    in modern religin (the last several centurys)it has all become about hate and money ..and judgment...

    who are you to judge me?
    who am i to judge you?
  15. ive said it on here a couple times...and im sure ill say it again...

    i dont believe in religion, i believe in spirituality, i give thanks to that undescribable entity i feel around me, and in my soul, i give thanks to that.....i dont have to drag myself out of bed to put money in a plate at 10 on sunday mornings so "god" knows that i love him.
  16. 3 words: Kiss Hank's Ass!
  17. Uuuuuuh? :confused: I dont get! I mean yeah I get the whole point of the story but I dont even get why a story like that was written. I have always done what I believe. Whether it be religion, art, clothes, cars, doesn't matter! I have always done what I thought was right and I dont give to shits what anyone else thinks! I never will! Does that make me like a major weirdo? When it comes down to religion this is how I feel. I do believe there is a higher being. I personally call him God. Some worship Alla, Budah, Gondy, etc. (that is just an example I dont know what they call there "god") However all in all I think that whatever they call there "god" he is all in all the same being as I worship. (God).

    I have no clue if anything I have said made any since at all. In fact it may have confused you more than that story. However, I was just putting in my 2 cents. :D

    So I dont get it, what is the point of even writing a story like that? Is it suppose to make people look at life a different way? Change there minds??? :confused: I dont get it. So to me the story was pointless because if someone told me to kiss someones ass cuz they said so I'd be like, "Lick my ballz and go eat shit because I said so!":smoke:
  18. it's not supposed to be takin a rip at all members of organised religion i think. i think it's referring to the people who try and tell you if you don't do this and do that then you're going to hell.

    you know... the ****s :hello:
  19. OOOOOOooooooohhh!!!!:) I get it now I think. If you look at it from that point of view it does make since. It's simple. That story wasn't really intended for me, it was intended for those that try and tell me how to live my life of religion. It was for those people that tell me do this or do that and if you dont you die and go to hell. OK! :D
    I get it!!!​
  20. wooo cool.. very entertaining, it got a lot out of this thingo.. i'm gonna go copy and paste it.. heeheeheh

    edit: da420: i completely agree with what you're saying, but i don't think of it as a critique of religion, but rather of logic, like "Me" was saying that it's circular logic..

    i liked that whole hotdog thing, for example some religions tell you to do this or that without reason, like eating pig is considered dirty by jews.. they only took what they observed since they [pigs] roll around in their own shit.. naturally they assumed it was dirty to eat pig.. makes sense 5000 years ago.. heh the whole cheese thing, dairy is an earthly product, so how did we put it there? -> Hank.. hahah

    million dollars > heaven
    leave town > death
    hank's connections > fate

    all in all a very telling story.. awesome, i loved it!!

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