Just life for me

I sit back while I vaporize kush, I reflectback on what I did today.

I went to school and saw some people I knew. I sat through my first class and didn't really say anything. I printed things I needed and went to a very boring class where I nodded my head during the lecture. The teacher seems a bit uneasy. I noticed him taking a pill/medication before his lecture. He seems to be a bit distraught and unhappy with life. I feel for him and I think he's just trying to make sense of life.

I had a long break and I ate a sandwich real fast. II saw a girl who used to date my friend when times seemed a bit better. I've seen her a few times since then and she will always go out of her way to say hello. Very nice of her. I still haven't really said much. today except a few words with that girl.

I went to my history class early and read over some readings we were going to be quizzed on. I read it and was able to get the right answer on the quiz. Then we broke down in groups and did some nonsense. I asked if my partner would read our answer out loud or if he wanted me to. I could have done it but I'd rather not. Sometimes I slur my words (I don't know why - I think my vochal chords got messed up but I feel like I can't go to a doctor)

I didn't say anything in the discussion and not everyone said anything. Pretty much someone else will talk, so why should I.

Finally class is over and I can go home.

I get home and I see my dog is in the crate while my mom is standing there. I know that my dog is a great dog so there's no reason for her to be cramped in a cage. This made me unleash. The dog only gets activity from me mostly and I take care of it a lot more than anyone else. The dog should never be in the crate really.

So, I start screaming. I say "the dog should not be in the crate!" And I'm just yelling but my mom was on the phone. She ignored and walked away from me so I just kept yelling how we shouldn't have got a dog if you need to put it in the crate like that.

Well, my mom said she was on the phone and I embarrassed her so now I feel like an asshole. That's what it's like....smoke the kush, reflect back and feel bad about something. That's just life for me.

 

And I keep thinking of this girl. She seems quiet like me. I'd like to get to know her. We would probably be great together. It's the way of nature. I just can't find any time to talk to her. I'll be switching to a university soon and it will be all new faces all over again. I still have a tough time getting over the last girl I let go, we were really great together too. I never realized what I really had until it was gone.

"Lookin' at life, like how did I get it wrong?"

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYPTS_39I8g&feature=related]Chris Rene - Audition 1 - THE X FACTOR 2011 - YouTube[/ame]

 

I just always wanted a mother that was there for me. Always to support me and make me feel good about myself.

My mother isn't like that. All the time there is an argument about something. She won't listen to anything and is very inconsiderate of my time. I've felt like a slave for most of my life because it seems when I'm with my family then I never have a choice on what I want to do. When I'm with my family I need to be insignificant and go with what they say.

I've never felt really too appreciated. My mother used to tell me how much she loved me but she has frustrated me beyond belief. She has always embarrassed me. I feel like she really is braindead and that makes it hard for me to deal with.

Today I was ready to leave for school. I have a test to take so I wanted to get in early. Get my spot and review some notes that I've been taking from that same spot. Well, I go downstairs and see the car is gone. After calling my mom to see where the car is she says she forgot and will be home in 15 mins. 20 mins later she gets home and has a car full of groceries. Incredibly inconsiderate when she knows what my schedule is and that I had a test today.

When I got home she says "I'm sorry. I didn't realize" Maybe because you are so inconsiderate!

It really hurts to not have a mother that I don't fight with all the time. I wish I could have the mothers that other guys have but I don't. She has hurt my development as a human being and has probably hurt me from ever wanting to find a woman to settle down with.

In high school she would bang on my door like a maniac to wake me up. I wasn't a good student but that is no way to be woke up in the morning.

I can't stand it.

 

My father is selfish. He's generous with very little of his things. If I had a son I'd give him the world. Growing up he would stockpile his car with packs of cigarettes. Meanwhile, I never really had anything. I might've had some clothes but not too much else. I got gifts on Christmas time and that was it. Never anything too big. I thought my dad must have made little to no money until I got older. I would get video game systems a few years after they came out and I loved them. I would play with all my other friends toys. I might have had a couple action figures but nothing compared to other kids. I felt like I grew up poor and I still feel that way. It was sometimes a big deal to get money for the movies or to go anywhere.

If I wanted anything I had to wait for Christmas. This is when I began to steal money to get what I wanted. Mostly I stole from my father. My father would get home from work and leave his money on his dresser to go take a shower. That's when I would start taking 10 or 15 dollars from him. About once a week maybe and I would go up to the CD store to buy CD's. I'd sit and listen on my beat up boombox. I'm not sure how my sister had so much but she always had a lot of CD's and things.

When I asked my father for allowance, he told me he'd give me a quarter a week or quarter a month. I told him I'd take it because it was more than I had before (this was before I was stealing) I pretty much gave up on that because it wasn't that important, I would steal for money.

Mostly all my relatives were broke so they weren't giving anything. I had to get what I wanted. All my friends rode real nice bikes and I had nothing, they wouldn't buy me a real nice bike.

We never did too much together, my father and I.

When I got to high-school I was still trying to find who I was. My style had jumped around through the years and I felt sort of awkward. Eventually I started smoking and got to stealing much more from my father, mainly to buy weed.

I'd get money so that I could buy in bulk and make money off of anyone that wanted to smoke. 6 for 50 or whatever. Then I got into dealing. I was making money and I didn't need to steal anymore. Selling my weed was my way of getting my own money and to stop stealing.

One time when I was about 15 or 16 my father was going to threaten to throw me out of the house. He said get the hell out! I didn't know where to go. I wanted to be a man and just leave but it probably wouldn't be best for me. I went and sat on the corner just crying. In ways I wanted to be noticed or be called back, my mother came out to comfort me. I went back home, went up to my room and cried some more. They wanted me to stay home with my sister but I wanted to use the weekend to sleepover my friends and go to the city..that was my plans. I didn't want to have to stay home for the weekend.

A lot of people don't know these things about me...I'd say that no one knows these things. I keep them to myself and these are the moments that have shaped my life.

 

All my life I was labeled as a wiseguy. People pointed their fingers at me and said I was the bad guy. If something bad happened than it had to be me responsible. Teachers would've had me locked in a box if they had their way. There was never any real male role models around. The person I looked up to the most was my grandfather. He passed away when I was about 5 years old, it was always very upsetting to me to experience that at such a young age. He lived downstairs from.

At my school there was just a lot of bitchy teachers that wanted to bring me down. They labeled me a troublemaker but I was just a kid.

The teachers told me friends not to talk to me. When we sat together in gym class the teacher came to say my best friend couldn't sit next to me. He got suspended because of it.

I had to go there everyday to where these teachers wanted me locked in a box...Why me?

 

I'm talking about when I was a kid in Elementary school. I was blamed whether I did or didn't do something wrong.