old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
lmao i got one for ya these old ladies got pulled over for going 10 miles an hour, the cop asks, why were you going so slow. the driver replies, thats the speed limit and points to the highway sign. the cop explains to her that she is on interstate 10 thats not the speed limit. she apologizes and he asks are your friends ok? the old ladys friends are sitting in the back looking scared as shit and she says oh, they'll be fine, we just got off interstate 110
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door. To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door. The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years". 100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess. The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?
There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass, hills and trees, and all these strange animals. She saw a big, fat, weird-looking, brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I'm a zebra. What are you?†“I'm a cow,†said the animal. “What do you do?†“I make milk for the farmer.†The zebra then saw this little funny-looking white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?†“I'm a chicken,†said the animal. “What do you do?†“I make eggs for the farmer.†Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?†“I am a horse,†said the animal. “Wow,†said the zebra. “What do you do?†“Take off those fancy pajamas, and I'll show you.†There is this female highway patrol officer waiting on the side of the road for speeders one night, when she sees this car swerving down the road quit badly. She assumes the driver is drunk and gives chase. The driver swerves off the side of the road, and parks on a sidewalk, the officer administers her roadside dui tests and begins to arrest the drunk driver. She says to him "sir im placing you under arrest for drunk driving, i need to read you your rights." "you have the right remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you" just then the drunk looks back and screams "YOUR BOOBS"
ive heard that one before stoner, nice one pot A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."