Today started out so nice. I woke up to birds serenading, butterflies flitting, and a gentle breeze playing among the trees. I thought, life is good. Later on I was attending a graduation party. It was to be a joyous occasion. Full of laughter and well wishing. Little did I know that I would be struck a mortal blow midst the fun and frolic. It was an outdoor party. In a grass filled pasture overlooking the Rio de Animas. The River of Lost Souls. Cottonwoods draped the banks and rock squirrels scampered along the trunks and branches. The pasture was equipped with canopies filled with tables and chairs. It was 93 degrees and the canopies were a welcomed sight. The last thing I wanted was a bad sunburn and to be drenched in sweat. I decided that due to heat underwear was not required. I went commando. On my arrival I made a quick bee line to the canopies. I'm fair skinned. I want to keep it that way. I met one of the family members there and offered my services. I was quickly ushered into the house and put to work prepping vegetables for cooking. I'm a friend of the family and I went early to help where I could. I was escorted to a work station that had this.... chair... It looked like someone dug it up from a grave and reanimated it. When I sat down it groaned. Literally groaned and then sank like the Titanic. It was like a 600 lb Rhino sat down on it. There must have been a look of panic on my face because I was quickly assured it was perfectly harmless. I shrugged it off and started on the prep work. Two hours to the party and I had a mound of shit to chop, mince, julienne, quarter and peel. I completely forgot about the complicated chair while we chatted and laughed away the time. It was a lot of fun from what I recollect. Some of it is still fuzzy. Remember the chair? Yes, there was a reason I mentioned it and my not wearing underwear. Don't worry I'm getting there. My work was done. I stood up to take the vegetables to the various work stations that needed them. As I was rising I realized the chair wasn't following me. I was about halfway up. I looked down just in time to see the seat pop up.... and nail me right in the nuts. I wasn't wearing underwear. They got crushed between my leg and the chair. I jerked up violently and... that's the last thing I remember. Apparently I knocked myself out on a cabinet. I remember a burst of lights and then nothing. I woke up to blood everywhere and people screaming. I split my fucking head open. I was bleeding all over the place. I was in a fetal position and in a great deal of pain. Everywhere. It felt like my balls were residing with my large intestines and my head was pounding to the beat of my heart. Then people were grabbing me and trying to get me up. I was being jostled back and forth like a game of tug-of-war. Someone yelled that I shouldn't be moved because of the head injury and everyone let go at once. I dropped like a sack of potatoes. More screaming. The paramedics arrived not long after that. The trip to the hospital was nice. The E.R. was a complete nightmare. I was fondled, molested and sexually assaulted by the entire E.R. staff. Bastards. I think the Janitor even joined in... I don't remember. The concussion and pain from my swollen tender bits was messing with my mind. But that's a story for another time.
It was computer chair. The kind that adjust in height. They kind of sink down when you sit in them. This one went all the way down and stuck. When I stood up the spring caught and then released like a catapult. Keep up! God! ::rolling eyes:: (kidding)
Well it could have been worse, at the hospital you could have heard, "well were going to have to cut them off." Im only kidding, that sounds like an awful day. Go relax and rest, you will heal faster.
Oh ok, I van visualize it now. Man that fucking sucks. Busting your head and your balls in one go...wow
They gave me gallons of the narcotic painkiller dilodid... dilotid... dildos...anyway... good shit. It's starting to wear off but they also gave me these horse pills that have a warning label stating extreme addiction and liver failure if abused. My kind of party. I plan on breaking out the S&M regalia and abusing those nasty little pills. Oh god... I'm rambling incoherently... Is this thing on?? ::tap tap::
Maybe if you'd had on a nice tight pair of jockey shorts they would have held your nuts up out of harm's way....
Sorry to hear about your woes. And thank you for a masterfully crafted tale about an office chair gone awry. I hate to hear about the misfortune of others. but it was a worthwhile read. Now relax and toke your meds. Sent from my SGH-T989 using Grasscity Forum mobile app
You should write a book, there was so much imagery in there. My friend once got one of his balls caught in the chain on his dirtbike and it ripped it off
That sucks to hear man, and yeah those EDs can be fucking nightmares at times. And they were right, they shouldn't have moved you if, from what I understand, you fell back and hit the back of your head, they should have left you in the supine position and kept your head immobilized while trying to control bleeding with a towel. If I showed up on scene and saw that they had moved you around like that I would have been pissed. If you did have a neck/spine injury they could have paralyzed you, or even killed you. But I'm glad you're okay!
Really? This is what I wake up to? Forceful ball removal? I read that and my balls quickly scampered back into my abdominal cavity and are waiting for the Second Coming of Christ. I hurt. My head is going to explode and my tender bits are swollen and irritable. If anyone cares, the party was fun, the food was exceptional and the laughter over my demise was long and loud. I hope they all got indigestion.