Is telling someone you cheated on them being selfish?

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by riddler2k7, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. So basically this is just a question, not an actual event. Let's say you're in an amazing 4 year long relationship with the person of your dreams and they feel the same way. You guys have even talked about getting married starting a family w/e. So one day you get drunk or tricked w/e but you slip up and fuck someone else. So would you tell your partner you cheated on them, hurting them that the love of their life cheated on them? Or would you keep silent, live with the guilt for the rest of your life and have your partner live happily ever after? I guess what I'm trying to ask is that is it not more selfish to tell the truth in a situation like this? People always say tell the truth it will make you feel better and once that burden of guilt is off you it does. But what about your partner? They get destroyed for doing nothing wrong. So is it not better for you to just, as punishment, live with that guilt and make your partner happy, give them the life they dreamed of with you?

    * I do not condone cheating or lying to love ones. This was just a random question I thought of while I was high.

    Sent from....... wouldn't you like to know. Probably your mamas house.
  2. If they are honest and upfront with everything that they do, then they deserve to know.  Personally, I could not live with that secret eating away at me and I would tell my girlfriend up front the second I saw her after it happened, because it is 1000x better to find out from the person you love in an honest way then to possibly find out down the road after trying to hide it for years. 
    I know everyone is different, and some say that they could do it because they would rather hurt themselves than someone else but personally I think that's unfair to the person that's holding onto the secret, they shouldn't damage themselves internally in order to maintain the happiness of someone else. 
    Personally, for me, there are no excuses; drugs, alcohol, moment of weakness, doesn't matter.  If you love the person that way you would never cheat on them with someone else, if you do, then you don't love them like you think.  I would rather break up with my girlfriend and tell her I want to be with someone else than fuck someone else behind her back and act like everything is still normal.  Cheating in a relationship is the ultimate offense to any relationship, and regardless of how you justify it, doing so will change the dynamics of a relationship. 
    Think about how you would feel if someone cheated on you and you caught them in their lie years down the road?  Really think about it, put yourself in the situation, how would you really feel?  Could you possibly imagine putting someone that you truly love through that emotion?
  3. No if you really love them then you wouldn't hide it from them. Just tell them that

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  4. I've only cheated once in my life, told my gf the next day.
  5. tricked :p

    she wore a mask of your face babe i thoughy it was you! bitch tricked me
  6. they do deserve to know, but it doesn't make the situation any better or excuse the person from it. cheating is cheating
  7. I'd think it'd be the opposite..being selfless..
  8. In this situation it would be selfish not to tell your partner that you couldn't live up to being a trust worthy partner.
  9. #9 Carne Seca, Feb 7, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2014
    This situation reminds me of the AA program with one of the steps requires the recovering alcoholic to go to everyone they've offended and ask forgiveness.  It sounds good on paper but when you boil it down it's not because they are regretting their actions.  It's about completing the program and earning points for adhering to the guidelines.   Completely and totally selfish. They don't care if the person they hurt was ready for an apology or not.  It's all about the program.  Usually the injured party ends up being even more offended by the fake apology.  It's literally adding insult to injury.  I've seen sponsors try to talk people into forgiving the RA (recovering alcoholic) after the apology is rejected.  Sometimes aggressively.  They do more harm than good.  Especially for those who endured years of abuse at the hands of the RA.  
    I believe the answer to this is subjective.  It depends on the partner and health of the relationship you're in.  If you're confessing strictly for your own peace of mind then I'd say hold off until you can think clearly and consider your partner's response.  You can't use the "see I told you now you have to forgive me" approach.  Cheating on someone isn't just a roll in the hay.  Nothing is more damaging to self-esteem and self-worth than knowing your partner sought sexual gratification elsewhere.  You can say it didn't mean anything until the cows come home but your partner is going to see it in a completely different light.  It will be devastating.  
    But, if you think your partner can handle it and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that confession is the right course of action..... go for it.   Don't be surprised if the scenario doesn't go the way you worked it out in your head.  Be prepared for the consequences.  You destroyed trust and trust is the hardest thing to gain and the easiest to lose.  Your partner will never be on stable ground again.  There will always be that nagging doubt about your integrity and fidelity.  
    I have seen couples recover from cheating but the relationship was never the same.  
    On a sidenote,  if you have unprotected sex then the correct action will always be to tell your partner and not have sex with him/her until you've been fully checked out by a doctor for STD's.  The last thing you need is to explain to your partner why they have genital herpes or HIV.   
  10. #10 Nightwater, Feb 7, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2014
    It also begs the question then, would you tell them if you almost cheated? If I cheated I would tell my gf because well imo she has the right to know.
  11. Short term relationship = tell her and try to make her realize it was an honest mistake

    Long term relationship (2+ years) = keep it to yourself. If you tell her after you've built such a strong relationship she will have a VERY hard time trusting men in her future. You have two options, break up with her and go fuck other bitches. Meditate on the reason you fucked her, was it lust, had the sex not been up go par, were you just wanting something different? If you come to senses with yourself and you still love your gf (which is possible even if you cheat). Then move on and don't do it again.

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  12. I agree with Carne and washed -- and I think it depends on why you're telling her. If you know deep down that you fucked up, and that it was the sort of fuck-up that really does come with excessive drunkenness/impulsivity, and therefore you're fairly sure that there's little chance that this will become a pattern of behavior, then there's little reason to tell aside from relieving your own guilt.

    If you want an outlet for that guilt, try to balance the scales by actually making a change in good faith -- maybe resolve to drink less, or spend a larger percentage of time with your girlfriend doing things rather than alone where you'll have the opportunity to meet and be alone with other women. Maybe actively do more things for your girlfriend -- be more attentive and make efforts to grow the relationship. If you live together and she's forever telling you to pick up your clothes from the floor, commit to something as simple as remembering that in the future.

    I think there's a risk that if you "get away with" the indiscretion, having had to sacrifice nothing, then there could be a chance that it will happen again. Making an effort towards some area of growth or self-improvement, even if you want to view it as penance, might actually make the transgression and its consequence more real so that you learn from it.

    Basically, if someone must suffer, and you know it isn't likely to ever happen again, let it be you and not her. But, if you're already chomping at the bit to get out, do more drinking and partying, maybe consider what it is you're really after. After all, loving someone and being ready to commit to them are two WILDLY different things. You could be devastatingly in love with someone, yet still not ready to settle down. And if that's the case, then it doesn't matter how much you feel you might need her -- if you can't handle the terms of a relationship with her, then she deserves a chance to find someone who will (or be by herself). Just something to consider, in case this truly wasn't just a "fluke".

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