I would like to share some general thoughts about my life, that perhaps some may resonate with to some degree. I have always liked being alone. It has always seemed to me the most, let's say fundamental part of my life. Anything else, it's like...idk how to explain it, I do it, but then when I get home by myself it's like, ahhhh, back to normal. I need time alone. It's how I feel centered. In high school I had a relatively active social life. But even then, I needed alone time. Eventually I got where I didn't want to keep making up excuses for why I didn't want to do things sometimes. So it was just, sorry, I don't want to do anything tonight. Has nothing to do with the person, it wouldn't really matter what it was that someone wanted me to do. It's just, I feel I need to be alone...so I don't want to do anything. My friends didn't understand this. After high school, I moved across the country with my parents. I really didn't know anyone for quite a long time. This really frustrated and depressed me for a while, just a total inability to engage in social activities whatsoever. Though I still knew it was my alone time that was most important anyways, so I just pursued a lot of things that personally interested me. Mostly a lot of reading and contemplating on spiritual and philosophic matters. During this time I have really transformed as a person in some ways. Transform doesn't really entirely encapsulate it, though. Yes, spirituality became a more fundamental aspect of who I am, as it really didn't factor in when I was younger until the very end of high school. But more than that, it was getting truly comfortable in my own skin. I used to overthink things to an extremely high degree. This contributed to anxiety that I felt around people and in social situations. I never felt comfortable with myself really. I just wanted people to like me, and I would always go on and on about 'stupid' things I said and did. And I just, tried to avoid doing stuff like that. I have always had very low self-esteem. Now, at this point in my life, I can say that I'm really past that for the most part. I actually really don't care at all about what anyone thinks about what I say and do at this point. Even more than this, though, I really truly feel that I like myself. Now, this may sound like nothing, but it feels very significant to me. Like, I really feel established as a person. I know who I am, and I really truly like who I am. And because of that, I really don't care about what anyone else says or thinks about it. Now, over the years since moving, some level of social opportunities have opened up. I meet friends who I hang out with and whatnot. But, in some ways this has just really confirmed to me the importance of my alone time. I have a good enough time with people. I tend to get along fairly well with almost anybody. But it's still just...this thing that I do, until it's over and I'm home. Having some social opportunity has just made it more clear to me that it's not really that important to me for the most part. Or, that I don't care about having a social life just to have one. Who the people are matters. Now, I had a relationship during most of the time since I moved. It lasted like 5 years. It's over now. And the thing is, I honestly don't think that I ever really thought she was right for me, in the sense that I thought I would ever truly want to end up with her. That's not what I said of course, and didn't even want to admit it to myself, but deep inside I always knew that. I just...loved being loved, and loved loving. I loved having someone that I could really act loving towards, and would really act loving towards me. But yesterday, I had this thought, that really kind of shaked up my perspective. It wasn't really much of a thought, nothing I didn't know, but just vocalizing it shook me up a bit. I was thinking about my job, how I'd been there for about a year and a half. And I thought, jeez I was 21 back when I started. And that just kind of hit me, like I'm looking back when I was 21, like that was kind of young. And idk it just kinda shook me up. So there's a bit of a thought of, am I just wasting my life? How many years go by until I'm established externally? And yet, the fact that I feel so established internally, liking and being confident in myself, seems really significant and important. And so I feel like, that's a good thing, a good sign. And so just be happy with that, and the time will just come where I will meet the right people, or the right girl. And that will be amazing when the time comes. But there's no point in trying to force the issue, because I really don't care about insigificant relationships with the wrong people anymore. But what if I just waste my life away with that attitude? But what else is there to do? I just feel like at this point, I don't care unless you're actually someone I'm truly compatible with in a significant way. I don't really have an answer. But I just feel like, if the person is right, it'll be easy. I just feel like, now that I really like myself as a person, then someone who is right will truly like me as a person. And thus I won't have to make some grand effort for things to happen. And so if I have to make some grand effort, it's not worth it anyways, cuz they're not right. I feel that I am a unique person, and it is that uniqueness that I like. And so anyone who I was compatible with, would see and appreciate that uniqueness. And so again, it would be easy. So, being comfortable with yourself vs. making effort for a social life. Wasting your life away vs. continuing to work on yourself and letting externals sort themselves out, as it is right and easy. Thoughts?
I can relate in many respects. I know who I am, I love who ive become, but i still see room to improve myself toward some higher ideal. I wouldnt say i dont care what other people think, but i dont let that dictate who i am. I would rather someone didnt like me, than for them to like who i am not. I am totally with you on the aloneness. I start to feel uneasy if i am not alone or at least home. Even more satisfying is leaving my home and entering nature in solitude, that is my bliss. As with my girlfriend, also of 5 years (which i feel we are at a make or break point), i dont think she has found herself. She frequently expresses her concern what other people are thinking etc, and i have been trying to tell her it really shouldnt matter. It only matters if you believe it matters. Her family is a judgemental one, which has lead to insecurity i believe, but i interact with them with zero regard for what they think of me. If someone pretends to like me, it is their problem, it doesnt effect me. I think she views it as some overwhelming arrogance on my part, but i dont act superior, i am who i am. Perhaps self awareness and self confidence comes off as arrogant to insecure people? I am open minded, inclusive, forgiving almost to a fault, etc, things i dont see as manifestations of arrogance. I think she is a beautiful person who is enslaves by her own insecurities. If she cannot manage those, i am certain our relationship will fail, and i am at peace with that. She also views that peace as indifference but i cannot help that either. I think almost all of us are wasting our lives if we are not pursuing the advancement of the human potential. There are many retarding forces to achieve our potential. I feel like now, repression of human freedom is the biggest barrier to realizing our potential. I cannot speak for everyone but i feel helping to free people is my goal in life. If i am not pursuing that goal, i am wasting my life. Lies, death, laws, meaningless jobs that dont add value, stealing, manipulation, false science, fossil fuels etc are all manifestations retarding the human potential.
A lot of reading, but the only advice I can give is to practice being a social introvert. It sucks, it really does, but unfortunately extroverts succeed in this society. Everyone flocks to the rich charismatic people. Gives them everything they want from job promotions, nice things etc The quiet introvert people, the critical thinkers and foundation of keeping the world alive are squashed down and called "weird" or "creepy". I'm very introverted. I come home from work and just collapse exhausted from socializing all day. I sleep in when I can to recharge and really force myself to go out on weekends. As for the girls, in order to meet girls you have to be social. Look at it this way, to find the best tasting orange in a box of oranges, you have to try them all. In order to find the perfect girl for you, you have to meet a bunch of them. Even introverted girls are attracted to extroverted/charismatic guys.
It would be of great service to the individual if society were to cater towards addressing and helping the introverted. It's true what Omega369 said that extroverts succeed in this world. Who wants a very good business man in his firm who isn't someone you want to hang with. It is also an atrocity to self and the universe to not be a man who desires to be a better person. Your subconscious affects your conscious behavior, likewise you can consciously train your subconscious. As a child I knew adults didn't have it right. Why aren't people happy all the time? I have noticed in myself the range of emotions I felt as a child a are not as broad as they are today...we're much too confined and conditioned. Of course I caught it early and have been Steadily progressing.
yeah i'm learning to be comfortable in my skin again. for some reason i get waves. where i'm really comfortable with myself and where i'm not. i also like my alone time.