If i'm experiencing love, joy, fun, whatever, with someone, it feels great, but if they're not getting me, or i've said something that has offended them, not because i've been offensive, but their ego has taken offence, i feel this as a reason not to be around them so much, not if i care about them that is. I've spent ages looking at my experiences to see if i ever have an intention, on some deep level, to hurt someone. I've said things i didn't mean before, but i mostly say things because it's just what i feel i need to say. I'm not trying to be mean or selfish, I look for joy, excitement, love, humour, in all that i do. Finding a way not to be hurt by others, no longer caring what anyone thinks, is a really liberating thing to do. It's not that you become a horrible person, someone to be avoided - He doesn't care about anyone. It means you live your life as you are, not as you think you need to be, or as someone expects you to be, even if this someone is called society. One of the things I do a lot is enter the altered state by way of cannabis. While there i have ideas and insights into what feels like reality to me. Some of these I put into practice, others i just observe and let go as not needed. I decide these don't matter. They are for interest only. But what is it that decides which of these ideas is real or not, and which are just the way i see things? If i'm certain that how i see things is real, and i live in a world where i care about other people, and get affected when they don't see things the same way I do, i lose something. I start to doubt that what i'm seeing is the truth, according to the way things work in my reality, and I stop believing in my ability to know what's right for me. In order to understand this properly, i not only have to get things wrong, accept that i might hurt people, be affected by them, but actively open to it. Why? In order to become what is effectively insane of course. In-sanity is the only way to be, because whether what i do is right or wrong in someone else's eyes, it is the only way to express myself exactly as I feel I need to be. My reality becomes reality, not some faint construct of it. I learn from my mistakes, see what I see as being what I see at all times, and know exactly how to go about acting upon what i see if I want to, WITHOUT the need for the ego to represent me.
It's the problem of getting over your "self" that is the true challenge and block inbetween us and enlightenment. It's a hard road and takes alot of time but it sounds like you're making positive progress.
I used to think not caring about what other people thought was good. Then I quickly realized how absurdly arrogant and naive such a belief was. To think that the ideas and perspectives of others are so invaluable as to be disregarded is to presume that I could and would discover and conceive of all the knowledge, and truth, and answers that I'd ever need. If I were truly consistent in this belief, I'd isolate myself entirely from all others, read nothing, watch nothing, listen to nothing... and yes, surely I would spiral into a state of madness. I also used to think cannabis was my only avenue of imagination and expression until I realized that such a dependence on any one thing could not possibly be healthy. If I must be high to think and see then I must be doing something wrong. Since then I have learned to be considerate of those around me, and how I--my words, my behaviors, and my conduct--may affect them. I have learned to function both with and without cannabis, and now it is no longer a necessity, but a conscious choice. I have learned to stop being so critical of others, so selfish, and irresponsible in my perceptions; though this is a constant challenge that I suspect will never cease. I've learned not to become dependent on others for validation, but to be open and willing to engaging with others regardless of what challenge or validation they may provide. Most importantly, I learned to actively know myself, to be aware of my shadow, and to make a conscious effort to maintain that awareness that it may no longer obstruct me from the true wisdom I had been denying myself all along.
Some of my periods of extremely high states of consciousness has been interpreted by some around me as some sort of mental breakdown. This is aided by the fact that when I'm in that state, I view myself as a lone experimenter with reality, necessarily trying and experimenting in ways that perhaps noone has ever done before. Simultaneously, I TRULY do not care what anyone thinks about anything I am doing. Therefore, I may do some seemingly strange and erratic things, and not care about hiding it, even though others may think it's some kind of 'crazy.' During these times I feel states of incredible bliss and freedom. I considered my freedom to do this 'experimentation,' some of which may have been considered 'crazy' or w/e by some, key to my feeling of transcendence, and key to my further transcendence and learning about the depths of reality. There is also the feeling that what I am doing, that perhaps has never exactly been done before, will end up helping the world to transform in incredible ways, and so even if others do not appreciate it right now, they will. In other words, I feel that my ability to do all of this is key to my own happiness, knowledge, and transcendence, but also a selfless act because in the end it will help the world.