im not happy

here comes the book:

so i havent been happy lately. various circumstances have lead up to my being unhappy, i.e. no job, nothing to regularly occupy my days, previous bad decisions that i must now live with. but now im just depressed but i put up a good front.

one of the reasons im depressed is that my love life is not what i thought it would be way back when. right now im kinda stuck and i dont like being backed into a corner.

for the past 3 years plus, i have been with someone and we have had our moments. we have developed such a life together that it would be impossible to retrograde and so thats why i feel stuck. as said before i have no job. i got fired last august after working there for 3 years and 2 weeks for doing shit i wasnt suppossed to and not getting work done the way they wanted. so thats perfectly fine. i dont argue that and it sucks that i was there for so long and learned as much as i think i could have and thus i got bored of doing the same thing all the time. kind of like how the guy in office space felt. not a big fan of the movie but it was on the other day and it reminded me of how i felt.

it was a great job, that is if i had the proper education. if i had continued in that field after high school the way i should have, then i could have left that job after about 2 years and moved to a job that would give me a different pace and keep my mind occupied and not feel like there is no substance to my labors.

but regardless i jerked around and got fired.

so i am in with this girl for a year and a half and she gets pregnant. she aborted it. we agreed that then wasnt good for us financially and we wouldnt be there in our right minds to have that all work out the way it should have. really i wasnt there maturity wise. i love kids and all but i cant do babies and not at a young age really. but i just needed to get done growing up myself. i was 22 at the time. now i just turned 24, to put it into perspective.

well then soon we took a cruise to the bahamas and we kinda talked about our lives together and talked about marriage. i told her im good with that and i would like to be with her and everything and i gave her a ring and all. then when we get home, a few months or so later she gets pregnant again and this time we keep it. he was born on november 11th 08 and we named him Christopher Scot after my father. and he was the best looking kid i could ask for and every day i look at him and am so happy to have him and he is the reason i go on.

now ill be honest, i have cheated, she knows about most of them, gotten pissed off, sometimes more than others. i hooked up with chicks from high school, chicks from craigslist, chicks from myspace. and a few from parties and such. i came forward a few times and said yeah i did. other times i completely deny any allegations. but for the past year or so i havent done anything with anyone.

she would be angry that i talk to some chicks, even tho nothing has happened between us. she wouldnt be too happy. ive told her my philosophies on love and that it shouldnt be restrained to just one person. i wouldnt expect anything but the same from her too. i know that there is some guy that talks to her in vulgarities just the same as i talk to other chicks in attempts to sleep with them, but i dont really say anything about it. i wouldnt care if she goes out with him and they hook up.

i dont want to get into that. but basically lately she has started to become less attractive. not necessarily in a physical sense but just in her overall tone of living. take for example that in the 3 plus years we have been together she doesnt learn. im pretty much the only person she has had any sense of a relationship with. first person she had slept with. and i picked her up pretty much as a little girl who had been sheltered all her life and now trying to teach her how to live on her own.

when it comes to things like taking care of personal business with people like the cell phone company or the utilities companies, banking or anything like that which you dont always deal with everyday but should be able to conduct yourself in a manner that you get your point across, she doesnt learn. she doesnt ask questions, she doesnt have any leadership qualities, she is very subversive and thats not attractive.

she doesnt really try to be sexy, physically she isnt really too hot if you will. she is good looking, has a nice body. but she isnt perfect i now and thats acceptable in most people but the little things about her add up to be a hefty sum in the end. like the fact that she is mediterenean and so she is kidna hairy. and dark hair. on her arms, her back, she has a happy trail darker than mine, she has some facial hair. nothing thick mind you but its there and she doesnt do anything about it really. she doesnt have an ass. and i would like her to look better in some things more than just jeans. which jeans is pushing it. its just all she wears.

so she doesnt really go out of her way to be sexy and she isnt very quick on her feet all the time.

she does things like she comments on everything. and not very wise comments at that. just like stupid things that are just kind of to hear her own voice or somethng. like when we are driving she says things about the other drivers. then i can see out of the corner of my eye that she turns to look at me like for approval or for acknowledgement. same thing for the radio.

then she sometimes says something about whatever we are talking about like she knows what she is talking about, then i turn around and correct her and then she starts talking about it like oh yeah thats what i was saying all along to kind of hide that she was being stupid again. its just annoying.

so lately we havent been having sex as often as we used to from like 3 or 4 times a week to like twice, maybe. then on cristmas my friend and his girl and the 2 of us go to a rave. ah, my past time. i used to go to raves like every other week and roll my balls off. i used ot get laid all the time with chicks at the places and have the grandest of times with some of the hottest young chicks you could imagine.

then last saturday my friend and i were supposed ot go to a show for a band we like near where i live but he couldnt get a ride out here so i just went to hima nd we went to another rave. now, since i was by myself i sure as fuck went all out and hemmed up on some gals and had my vibragloves and gave a bunch of massages and did all the fun shit i used to, made out with some chicks and almost got into a few fights. rolled hard and didnt get home till 430 in the morning.

so this entire week i have been thinking about all that fun and keep saying i miss all that shit and miss having that freedom. but again, im stuck. i have this life built up with a kid and everything is in such a place that if i do one thing, i am afraid i would lose everything or that it would be so hard to keep everyone happy.

i would never neglect my son. andi want to make sure the girl is happy too. but i have come to conclusion that i dont want to be with her as her being my partner for the rest of my life. in fact i dont want one sole person in my life to fill that role.

so im just not happy.

 

thats kinda how i feel right now.

we refer to the other as the wife or husband. i dont like it so much when she says it cuz that just proves that she is settled. but when i say wife i mean it like ball and chain kinda way. like yeah the wife is gonna get mad if i dont come home soon.

she has said before that we probably arent gonna get married cuz i have said before that i dont want to. and no i dont think im the marrying type. i cant just sit down with one person. when it comes to me messing around with other chicks i figure that as just extra curriculars. it doesnt detract how much i care for her and how much i love her. i do really, there is nothing wrong with her as a person. its just she isnt the person i want to stay with.

i know that most of this comes form not having money as much because i notice that when we hit rutts when we have no money the things get tense and i can get more ornery easier, but its really like its coming from a long ways away and if i get right down to it, the money just hides it. like we could go out often, when we hae the cash, and have a good old time, but that stops being fun once neither of you can thing of anything to do anymore that sounds fun.

the thing about leaving is that, i pretty much am living off her right now. she barely makes enough money to do so but we work it out. and there is a situation with her folks that basically she would go back to live with her parents and i would really never see my kid again because they have been totally against me since the start and they think im just some whtie punk bitch criminal.

i have been 2 seconds away from burning their house down. but they have such a complex about me over one incident that was totally blown out of proportion. basically landing me in jail for a ticket that i hadnt paid, which you know is like next to capital murder.

but it would be so hard for me to leave my kid anyways because my dad died when i was almost 3 and so i never had a dad. i wouldnt accept any substitute for my son either. i know he will be all the good things i could never be. he already shows a lot of potential for all kinds of things.

but since i have no money i would be forced to live with my mom again which is in another county like 50 miles away and i would never get a job cuz she lives next to a rock and a cactus and the nearest thing is like 12 miles away and their arent any busses out there. plus i dont get along with her very much these days cuz of her poor choices in her life.

the only thing i can hope for is that this recession goes away, i get a job where i can afford to move out on my own but still be able to have my kid most days, then be able to maintain a lifestyle that i can enjoy again.

i can be perfectly happy just having medium term relationships. like a year at a time. nothing too crazy, some love, some upsets, but its all my pace and me calling the shots. but again im stuck.

i know my dad had a marriage before my mom and so i wish that i could talk to him again and get advice from what he did to completely upheave his life and start all over. but i cant even imagine where i would start.

 

as far as things to do to not think about my issues, i play video games. when im not trying to get a job even at fast food places, i have nothing else left to do so i play. its a temporary solution to a long term issue

 

i think you didnt read that i have no money.

i have had plenty of ideas how to make money, legit or otherwise, but it comes down to having money to start with to invest in some capital then start some sort of business venture.

i know i could pull them off but again i have no money in which im willing to risk. i have about 60 bucks worth of change in a piggy bank but thats for my kid.

maybe when i get my tax return back ill be singing a different story