Before I begin, I'm a 19 year old male doing a creative writing degree at a reputable university. I've been through awful things when I was younger that have left me with serious issues, mainly involving around anger problems and anxiety. I've repressed these issues for years with the help of friends, family and heavy weed usage, but as I get older I'm coming to realise that I cannot continue to live like this and sooner or later everything will come crashing down on me with such force that I will not be able to recover from it. I took the whole university route because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Now I realise that it was the wrong decision and I should have at least worked full time for a couple of years and sorted several things out, such as a learning to drive and having a serious think about what career path I wish to take. I work part time in McDonalds and have done since I was 16. Now I'm stuck there because it's the only job flexible enough to suit my needs and provide a fixed income. I'd love to get another job but it's difficult when you spend two-three months in one city then go home outside of term time. I constantly worry about everything and can't seem to break out of this negative mindset. I've smoked weed every day for several years and have managed to balance it with my studies and job without too much difficulty, however, I've come to aknowledge that smoking heavily dulls me as a person and severely impairs my ability to think clearly. I smoke mainly at nights and go to bed late, meaning that when I wake up I'm really hashed over from the previous evening and it takes me much of the day to become energized once more. Once that does happen I'm stoned again and the same cycle continues. I've never gone longer than a week without smoking and by the end of that time boredom, restlessness and nostalgia ensure that I smoke again and inevitably fall back into heavy usage. I want to get a good job and in forty years time be able to look back on my life and think 'I did it!' I always feel under the shadow of my Dad who himself has worked himself up the corporate ladder and is heartbroken by the fact his son is a 'pothead.' I can understand how he feels. He's worked his ass off his whole life to provide me and my sister with a good upbringing and has succeeded tremendously. Instead of emulating him, I have proven many times I lack his ambition and drive and ultimately take more pleasure from an enjoyable high after a hard day than anything else. I know this will incite mindless hate babble like 'ur weak and pathetic d00d weed isnt addictive at all u suck how cud u be reliant on weed in any way?' But the fact is, anything you enjoy can become a habbit without you realising it is a habbit. Either that or you're so content with the habbit that you don't aknowledge it for what it is. I've read so many posts saying 'I could quit at any time, I just don't want to' and the same is true for me, which is where the problem lies. I love weed so much that I feel a life without it just wouldn't be as good. You become so used to the state of perma stoned/hashed over that you don't recognize that you can't think anyway near as clearly as you could without it and I'm finally realising that if I REALLY want to progress, I can't do it if I'm regularly smoking weed. I'm not saying this is true of everyone because some people can smoke weed all the time and live really productive lives, but the same isn't true of me. My thoughts in recent weeks have been extremely dark and my mood has been unstable at times. I would never commit suicide because I know how many lives it would affect; if anyone I loved killed themselves then it would all but destroy me. However, I feel completely hopeless and regret going to university as much as I regret anything in my life. I don't feel my course would help me get a better paying job than if I hadn't have gone and at the end of it I'll still be left with tremendous debt. Despite all this however, I refuse to drop out because I've worked towards this my whole life and will see it through to the end. I've come to the conclusion that eventually I will need to quit weed for good, or at least until I sort my life out and can go back to the herb without being dependant on it. Thankfully I have abstained from harder drugs because I have an addictive personality and aknowledge that even though sometimes I feel really down about the hold MJ has over me, it is NOTHING compared to geniunely addictive drugs like opiates, but this doesn't mean it isn't something I need to address. It is extremely hard to quit entirely though because of all the memories I have associated with it. I still enjoy the company of my friends when I'm sober, but always feel like the situation would be 'even better' if I had a joint or two. Pretty much everyone in my life who isn't a fellow toker tells me how much weed is holding me back and I'm finally coming to aknowledge that they may be right. I know quitting weed won't magically solve all my problems, but it will force me to focus on the important issues I need to address in order to find geniune contentment because of the increased energy and clarity that abstaining from the herb brings. I don't think I will ever be able to honestly say 'I will never smoke weed again' because it's simply too good and has too many positives to it. As long as I get drunk on occasion, I will get stoned on occasion. But at the moment, something major has to change so I can feel good about myself as a person once more.
You just need to chill out and stop worrying so much about the future. You're still in college and if your 19 you have atleast a couple more years before you are going to be out. Just relax and enjoy being a college kid, and if that means smokin mad bud then do it. Once you NEED to deal with the problems of going into the real world you are most likely going to have a better realization of who you are as a person and what you need to do in order to live a succesful life. For now just live it up
dude i actualy took the time to read that..anyway i am in the EXACT same situation, wich baffles me yea, like im 19, in college, smoking weed everyday for self medication, depressed, anxiety shit like that my dad worked his way up, for me to work my way down and out. i regret going to this college im in, i would MUCH rather be doing something else sometimes i need to quit, for jobs, emotions, my personality, my laziness but im not gonna quit rite now, just take a break so i can focus on growing it for the next season to come... anyway idk whhat to do either, i wake up eveyday, not knowing where im going to end up that night not knowing what i want with my future, college is gay as fuck cause i have essays in EVERY class. i am also taking 15 hour semesters haha, wich is OVER full time,. one thing i cannot get is a decent job. ive had one legitamate job EVER and it failed miserably due to my anxiety(sales job) but ive had construction jobs, under the table, not taht great to have BTW. i have the type of personality that if you dont know me, you would think that i was blowed off my ass 24/7, when im really sober as can be. thats just the way i am, adn have grown up.(for you ignorants, i was thisway, BEFORE i started smoking pot) so i always have the pressure of not having money of my own, when i need it. i have to live like a fucking crackhead, even tho i am completely normal like everyone else. but it causes soo much stress. this has been going on for 4 years now. can anyone belie that?? 4 years and ive only had one job on the papers. Yea, fucking wild. i also live in south gergia, where everyone is either ignorant black person from the hood, or ignorant jesus freaks. my town is a black hole. life is hard for me.so i smoke. but in turn it causes some problems. so i live in one big fucking black circle.
Alright man...That was a long read, I feel on a lot of that too and understand what you're going through. Anyway it sounds like you just need to quit smoking weed for a while and you're acknowledging that. Sometimes that can be hard to come to terms with, but I bet if you quit smoking for a little bit, get your tolerence back down, you'll start seeing things more clearly and start to figure stuff out. It'll all just fall into place, than you can either smoke again or not.
I have found myself in that same cycle before, smoking late night and staying up til 4 am, then getting up the next morning very fuzzy. By the time I feel normal again, I just want to smoke. The key for me has been distractions, if you have friends who don't do drugs try and hang out with them, working out can be great way to fill time that is also rewarding. In the end, you have to remember that it's not the end of the world even though it is very hard at this moment. Try and do things you enjoy, and really work on resisting the weeds call.
this the whole point of college is to smoke as much weed as u want, relax, let yourself go. you've got so much time to build an actal stable career. youre still in education. most people i know didnt find good stable jobs until at least 25-27 y/o.. if you really think weed is causing this then quit for a while till you get your head straight, and things a bit better with your family. i know what you mean how you think maybe being stoned constantly/have a MJ hangover in the mornings is holdin you back. just dont smoke as much if you want to have more energy?
that helps me out man thnkjs you guys ^^^^ im always in a mystic state of mind kidof hazy i need to bring my tolerance down and get clear again starting today!! since im out of weed haha
I feel the same way brother. It's hard to let go of something you love, but I believe as much as you that weed does hold me back (and holds you and others back). But you look out for yourself, and I've been going back and fourth with the descision of quitting for a year now, and am finaly workin up the courage to at least take a break for a while (at least a month) and keep workin on longer and longer breaks.
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to not let your father's guilt-trips get to you. Instilling that kind of guilt in your own child is just fucking insidious. It's going to destroy you from the inside out if you don't lock it down.
Man I totally understand where your coming from. I'm in the same posistion myself. I went to college last year and realised it wasnt what I wanted so finished the year and left to take a year out to decide what to do with my life... A year on and i'm no closer to deciding what to do with my life. Don't worry about it man. Your only 19. I'm 19 too. Both young and got years and years to decide what to do in life. Just enjoy your youth. Head up dude, It always works out in the end.
i know how you feel dude. quitting is probably the best bet. at least until you set yourself some goals.
Yeah but I can see where he's coming from. He's worked hard his whole life until he's got a really good job and is a single parent to two kids. I've always been the problem child out of the two of us and his worst fear is that his sister will follow on the same path as me. He gave me a couple of K for my 18th and just over a year on I have four hundred left, with almost nothing to show for it. I'm spending £40-60 on weed a week and have been for the past couple of years. He feels like he's funding my cannabis use which, on top of all his bills, cuts him up. I feel like I'm letting him down all the time by smoking it so much, but at the same time it's my favourite thing to do.
Creative writing dude... Like pretty much any artistic career, you're gonna spend a lot more time broke and struggling to make ends meet than you will sitting back relaxing with a pile of cash. If it's what you love, keep going for it. You're not gonna be able to climb a corporate ladder because there is no ladder - A kid with no experience could get the job you want simply because the employer liked his style of writing or whatever. You really shouldn't compare yourself to your dad because you've both taken drastically different paths, and just because yours is somewhat more unconventional, it doesn't mean that you're lazy, or weak or stupid. I get the impression that he would've preferred it if you were studying to be a lawyer or doctor, but you've only got a limited time on this earth and you might as well do what makes you happy because at the end of it all the only person you'll have to answer to is yourself. Like someone else said, you should stop smoking weed until you set some goals. When you start achieving what you've set out to do, you can reward yourself with a toke. The more confidence you gain in yourself and your abilities, the easier it will become to stick to your plans and see them through Good luck
Great responses guys. The problem isn't weed, it's me and my dependance on it. I've cut down to a gram in the last week, which is pretty drastic when you normally smoke between a Q and a half. I feel better for it and have had a good couple of days without it. I'm heading towards a 2 week, maybe even month T break and am gonna keep operating the 'reward' toke system for a little while. I don't want to ever quit for good because it's simply too good to be missed, but smoking every day or even most days will eventually catch up to you in a negative way. I had a good drink with my Dad tonight and watched the Barcelona vs Inter match and The Bourne Identity afterwards. I'm gonna take him out over the weekend either for a meal or a good session at the bar; maybe even both. I go back to Uni on Monday and will be studying hard