Before I begin, I'm a 19 year old male doing a creative writing degree at a reputable university. I've been through awful things when I was younger that have left me with serious issues, mainly involving around anger problems and anxiety. I've repressed these issues for years with the help of friends, family and heavy weed usage, but as I get older I'm coming to realise that I cannot continue to live like this and sooner or later everything will come crashing down on me with such force that I will not be able to recover from it. I took the whole university route because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Now I realise that it was the wrong decision and I should have at least worked full time for a couple of years and sorted several things out, such as a learning to drive and having a serious think about what career path I wish to take. I work part time in McDonalds and have done since I was 16. Now I'm stuck there because it's the only job flexible enough to suit my needs and provide a fixed income. I'd love to get another job but it's difficult when you spend two-three months in one city then go home outside of term time. I constantly worry about everything and can't seem to break out of this negative mindset. I've smoked weed every day for several years and have managed to balance it with my studies and job without too much difficulty, however, I've come to aknowledge that smoking heavily dulls me as a person and severely impairs my ability to think clearly. I smoke mainly at nights and go to bed late, meaning that when I wake up I'm really hashed over from the previous evening and it takes me until the afternoon to feel energized again. Once that does happen, a few hours later I'll be like fuck it, lets get stoned and the same cycle continues. I've never gone longer than a week without smoking and by the end of that time boredom, restlessness and nostalgia ensure that I smoke again and inevitably fall back into heavy usage. I want to get a good job and in forty years time be able to look back on my life and think 'I did it!' I always feel under the shadow of my Dad who himself has worked himself up the corporate ladder and is heartbroken by the fact his son is a 'pothead.' I can understand how he feels. He's worked his ass off his whole life to provide me and my sister with a good upbringing and has succeeded tremendously. Instead of emulating him, I have proven many times I lack his ambition and drive and ultimately take more pleasure from an enjoyable high after a hard day than anything else. I know this will incite mindless hate babble like 'ur weak and pathetic d00d weed isnt addictive at all u suck how cud u be reliant on weed in any way?' But the fact is, any thing you enjoy can become a habbit without you realise it is a habbit. Either that or you're so content with the habbit that you don't aknowledge it for what it is. I've read so many posts saying 'I could quit at any time, I just don't want to' and the same is true for me, which is where the problem lies. I love weed so much that I feel a life without it just wouldn't be as good. You become so used to the state of perma stoned/hashed over that you don't recognize that you can't think anyway near as clearly as you could without it and I'm finally realising that if I REALLY want to progress, I can't do it if I'm regularly smoking weed. I'm not saying this is true of everyone because some people can smoke weed all the time and live really productive lives, but the same isn't true of me. My thoughts in recent week have been extremely dark and my mood has been unstable. I would never commit suicide because I know how many lives it would affect; if anyone I loved killed themselves then it would all but destroy me. However, I feel completely hopeless and regret going to university as much as I regret anything in my life. I don't feel my course would help me get a better paying job than if I hadn't have gone and at the end of it I'll still be left with tremendous debt. Despite all this however, I refuse to drop out because I've worked towards this my whole life and will see it through to the end. I've come to the conclusion that eventually I will need to quit weed for good, or at least until I sort my life out and can go back to the herb without being dependant on it. Thankfully I have abstained from harder drugs because I have an addictive personality and aknowledge that even though sometimes I feel really down about the hold MJ has over me, it is NOTHING compared to geniunely addictive drugs like opiates, but this doesn't mean it isn't something I need to address. It is extremely hard to quit entirely though because of all the memories I have associated with it. I still enjoy the company of my friends when I'm sober, but always feel like the situation would be 'even better' if I had a joint or two. Pretty much everyone in my life who isn't a fellow toker tells me how much weed is holding me back and I'm finally coming to aknowledge that they may be right. I know quitting weed won't magically solve all my problems, but it will force me to focus on the important issues I need to address in order to find geniune contentment because of the increased energy and clarity that abstaining from the herb brings. I don't think I will ever be able to honestly say 'I will never smoke weed again' because it's simply too good and has too many positives to it. As long as I get drunk on occasion, I will get stoned on occasion. But at the moment, something major has to change so I can feel good about myself as a person once more.
hey man, i read all of that and i think i know where you are coming from. when you need to get things sorted out then weed use usually subsides, looking at your situation though there isn't much you can do other than finish your degree and go from there, so you have a bit of waiting to do. i suggest that you perhaps limit your weed use (this is what i did) to smoking once or twice a week, maybe just weekends? this will get rid of the constant hazey thinking and distant feeling from the rest of the world (trust me i know the feeling). you clearly enjoy smoking herb so much so why stop? moderation is key though, you either set yourself a limit, perhaps an 8th a week (maybe less if you don't smoke copious amounts per session like i do) or you quit all together. i suggest you look deeper into your interests and really focus on finding out what you want to do and what you want to achieve in life, enjoy yourself when you can and keep your grades up (if you are sure you want to complete uni). well that's pretty much it....cut down on herb, finish uni and focus on what you want to achieve. good luck
That's really sound advice man. I do love smoking herb and don't want to quit for good, but smoking everyday sure catches up with you. I actually feel a lot better just for posting all that shit up and getting it off my chest. Keeping things locked away eats away at you.
dude im 19 too! i smoke hella bud everyday but it doesnt make me feel bad in any way at all. I feel you on the college thing. Im not in a university but ive been going for a couple years now doing general studies but i think thats just me having too many interests. You shouldn't trip on what your dad thinks too much you're the one who lives your life. and usually most negative situations are just misinterpreted cues and dialouge between people. We probably have very different lives though cuz your in england and im in san diego tho. Weed doesnt mess with my energy levels or intelligence or social life but if it really affects you that bad just do it with good friends when its time to chilllll.
I just had another explosive argument with my Dad about weed. Luckily I go back to University next week so I can get away from all this shit. I don't know what to do.