I can't get her out of my mind. I've just fucked up so much in the recent and not so recent past that I feel she isn't ever going to want to come back to me no matter what I make of myself. I'm trying to show her that I can build a positive stable life for myself and for her as well. I want to treat this woman like a queen. I need to protect, defend, coincide. It's just so hard to not falter when she's so far away and I have nothing but my mind and my actions to convince me that I'll be able to hold her in my arms again. What if she finally does forget about me? I'll still be the same person I've always been, making my way through life yearning for my better half. Or so I believe. What have I actually become? Has the interior began to tear and fray or has the shell just become weathered and tarnished? She wants to make her own life. Live on her own. I can understand that. I'm doing that myself and it's the hardest challenge I've ever faced. We're still friends. We talk about life, marijuana, family, work, sex, etc... I can't help but thirst for a deeper connection though. I need to keep her safe. I want to stare into her eyes and her eyes alone. From now until my brain is unable to perceive time. To make matters worse I try not to think about all the ways she makes me feel throughout being away from her because it's easier to deal with at the time so all of the thoughts get bottled. When I speak to her occasionally everything I've wanted to keep to myself comes pouring out. The flood gates are open and it's all I can do not to tell her I'm miserable without her around. I have no one to reassure me that things are going to be okay. No one to calm me when I've had a shit day. I know I shouldn't need either one of those things. I'm whining like such a child. I haven't been into guitar since she left. It just doesn't feel the same. The music doesn't come like it used to. I feel like I'm wasting my time when I try to write new things. The only song I play anymore is the one I wrote her after she left. Ten years worth of structures and patterns all gone. Nothing but her song, and it's the simplest I've ever written. I'm just a jesting fool dancing about in front of her trying to please. How do I turn back into the knight in shining armor that she once depended on to keep her kingdom strong and maintained? I must meet my own standards and expectations before I'll come close to meeting anyone else's. If I only knew what direction to venture into. My brain pisses me off. I love her.