I'd like some feedback on this short story intro please.

Discussion in 'The Bookshelf' started by DoctorSpectre, May 2, 2012.

  1. I don't know if this is the right place to put it, but I wanted constructive criticism/feedback so I didn't put it in the Artist's Corner.

    Anyway, I'm into writing surreal pieces and I've been throwing around some ideas for a collection of short stories. Anyway, here is an intro I wrote for one of the short stories:

    ---

    It was a beautiful day at the park. The birds were out in full. Their wings flapping along with the soft melody of a happy day. Clouds were spread out through the bluest of blue skies, stretching above oceans of flowers. Oceans which shone with torrid magnificence. The delicacy of the flowers was matched only by the manner in which they were crushed by children frolicking in the grass, their watchful mothers chattering away at a perfect distance. There were senior citizens sitting across from one another, their stone faces radiating with wise serenity. In picture perfect form, from one end to the other, there was an orgy of blissful innocence.

    The most bizzare thing, however, was smack dab in the middle. It was on a park bench, a fine piece of woodwork. There was a man on the right, wearing nothing but underwear, black pants, a black undershirt, a black coat, black shoes, and a black top hat with a white piece of felt across the front. He had a beard, too. It was a collection of hair that stretched from the outer pores of his nostrils, down and past his darkened lips with the pipe. It grabbed his chin and jumped to around his knees. The man on the right was named Mr. Jim Ambrose. The pipe, mediating between the tobacco and Mr. Jim Ambrose's lungs, coughed up small batches of smoke. The man on the right looked to the person on the left. The smoke, filled with goodies for everyone else, lingered to and in front and past the person on the left. The person on the left was a skeleton. He was wearing nothing, but a beanie cap. His beard was just a mustache, a collection of hair that spanned from the bottom of his nose to the top of his mouth and a little bit down the side. He didn't smoke, but he enjoyed the scent. Yes, it was a beautiful day at the park.

    ---

    It's going to be a brief dialogue between the two main characters.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Very descriptive,
    I assume you've been taking a creative writing class or something?

    The only thing I would change is when you mentioned
    an orgy of blissful innocence,
    A plethora of blissful innocence
    might sound less awkward to the reader.

    Other than that you're doing a good job.
     
  3. #3 Sam_Spade, May 5, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2012
    Don't dictate emotions to your audience, let them develop it independently. Utilizing a third-person omniscient narrator tends to be overbearing in short stories.
     
  4. just following on from what sam said describe the world as you see it and use your skill as a writer to allow readers to extract meaning and feeling from that.

    e.g.

    "Their wings flapping along with the soft melody of a happy day."

    could become something like:

    "Their wings flapping along in rhythm with the soft melody of the day."

    you create the image, readers make of that what they will.
     
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