For school I had to do a persuasive essay, and an example of an essay we could choose was the legalization of marijuana. Now it took me about 45min to write, so some feedback would be great. I'll check back after school. It's only 5 paragraphs so here: Since the 1930s, marijuana has been illegal in the eyes of the U.S. government. Its classification is a Schedule I drug, which is said to have a high potential for abuse, no medical use, and not safe to use under medical supervision. In this day and age, it’s being prescribed to patients of severe health problems to treat their pains, nausea, etc. Compared to logical reasoning, the government takes a very different stance on marijuana. Some say prohibition serves no purpose, and others say it is a violation of our liberty to ban something harmless to others. As you can see, misconceptions on marijuana are plentiful and reformation is necessary. First and foremost, the classification marijuana is under is completely inaccurate. Schedule I classification describes a drug with no medical use and not safe to use under medical supervision. Research has been shown that it aids cancer patients and plenty of other terminally ill patients. Even recreational use has never been directly linked to any deaths (from the smoking, in itself) and when you compare it to alcohol and cigarettes, both of which are legal, it’s completely harmless. Imagine this: One day, you found out your mother was very sick. She was suffering and in an incredible amount of pain. Your doctor told you there was a drug that could stop her pain, but for political reasons, he couldn’t prescribe it. This drug is marijuana. Another reason for the legalization is because prohibition has never been reliably shown to reduce drug use. If prohibition accomplished anything, it created an underground black market, created a new drug ring, and wasted valuable time for law enforcement. There is also the effect prohibition has on whether or not a person will even try it. When something’s illegal, it creates something called the “forbidden fruit effect”, provoking people to try it. Another unintended effect of prohibition is that it destroys all possible ways to regulate the substance since it's illegal. It’s easier for high schools student to illegally obtain marijuana from drug dealers than it is for high school students to illegally get their hands on alcohol, because alcohol is regulated. Sadly, our current agenda for unlawful users is to put them in jail (not get them help) and to use programs like DARE to spread lies about it in our schools. Proper education and treatment are much better ways to address the problem. My last main focus on marijuana is the price of keeping it illegal. Every year, federal, state, and local governments participate in “The War on Drugs”, spending billions to imprison peaceful people who enjoy smoking marijuana. These people get put in prison, letting taxpayers pay for their food, housing, health insurance, court costs, etc. As a nation, we could save billions by letting people smoke marijuana without fear for arrest. If it were to become completely legal, the government could even tax it and make money off of it. With all of this saved money, perhaps we could even implement better drug education courses for our schools. Unfortunately, to this day it remains a pit for taxpayers' money. As you can see, there are plenty of reasons why marijuana should be legal, and even more reasons as to why it shouldn’t be illegal. I mean sure, if the government really wants to continue putting innocent people in jail, bankrupting ourselves in the process, in a futile attempt to eliminate drug use (alcohol prohibition proved this), then we’re doing the right thing. But if as a nation, we want to move forward and continue to allow ourselves the God-given right of liberty, then the decriminalization of marijuana should be our next step.
The bolded parts were the parts I liked most. I really liked reading in the beginning but then you lost me a bit in the middle and I just wanted it to end then the end was good too.
nice man, I did something similar a week ago except it was 10 pages haha, and by the time I was done with all my research I came to the conclusion: 1.) If the federal law is going to outweigh state law (which it always is) than decriminalization is the way to go 2.) The DEA truly thinks marijuana has more potential for abuse than cocaine, the fight for marijuana legalization is being opposed by the dumbest mother fuckers on earth 3.) When marijuana first surfaced as a mainstream drug in the 1930's the government had very little research done but published the notion that the drug causes insanity (http://books.google.com/books?id=hC...page&q=popular science marijuana 1936&f=false)
nice essay man! hits some good points and right to the point. not sure how much you need/want to write, but if this is something you're passionate about the one thing i can say is this: elaborate! expand! definitely elaborate on so much of what you already have. when you talk of 'pains' in the first essay, put some crucial diseases and illnesses that marijuana has been known aid. elaborate on all of it's medical benefits - this should pretty much be the 'main point' (imo) of the article - first and foremost we design for the safety and wellness of others, so anything that can be beneficial to the human race, health and medically speaking, should be a key point. 0 deaths from marijuana, compared to 75,000 year from alcohol and 700,000 year from tobacco - ridiculous! its not harmful, its not addictive - its one of the safest resources we can use. marijuana is by far the largest cash crop in the united states. and in my honest opinion, if you have the time or energy you should take some time to write about hemp and the possibilities and benefits of having a hemp industry. i like the mention of the 'forbidden fruit effect' idea. clearly people are trying and using marijuana, even though and because it's illegal. i would suggest talking about the benefits of legalizing marijuana, governmentally and economically speaking (regulations, taxes, money back to the public, paid for medicare system?, etc..). elaborate on government spending in regulating marijuana laws and the whole 'war on drugs'. some of the figures you'll find can be very disturbing... it's amazing the amount of time, energy and money that goes into the unnecessary war on drugs. if teenagers and young kids are part of a legal marijuana society, perhaps they'll be less apt to be a part of the illegal society, lessening their chances to come in contact with hard drugs and illegal activities. i suggest watching the union if you haven't seen it. it's a great documentary on marijuana, the industry, it's implications and it's move towards legalization. great essay for sure man, hittin some key points. again, not sure how much time or effort you want to put into this, but if you are passionate about it i would suggest writing a beastly article (possibly disproving any stereotypes that your teacher may have, ha!). what i wrote were just some general ideas and thoughts i had as i read it - take it as you will. i dig your article and where it could go man! this just blows my mind, man. absolutely ridiculous.
yeah the amount of resources & gov't campaigns to stop marijuana use and distribution truly is disturbing. it's funny how you see a butt ton of ads on TV depicting teenage marijuana use but no ads for teenage drinking >=[ but hey why should the government care? they're making money off of the alcohol either way
Thanks for the awesome feedback man! And I totally agree that elaborating on all those points would have significantly improved the essay. The thing is, it only had to be 5 paragraphs and I didn't want to freak this teacher out lol. I updated the wording today through peer editing so I'ma edit my post and the newer one should be less wordy. And nearly all of that information I used was from I think three different websites. I didn't come up with the "Mother and illness" example either, it was a quote I kind of changed up that an Illinois lawman actually used when he was trying to persuade Illinois general assembly (or whatever) that medical marijuana should be legal there. Thanks again for the replies everyone
you bet man, good luck on the rest of it! i read your first post and understood that as a 'first draft' (and i had just smoked a bowl), hencey why my response was blabbering and wordy.
[quote name='architoker']nice essay man! hits some good points and right to the point. not sure how much you need/want to write, but if this is something you're passionate about the one thing i can say is this: elaborate! expand! definitely elaborate on so much of what you already have. when you talk of 'pains' in the first essay, put some crucial diseases and illnesses that marijuana has been known aid. elaborate on all of it's medical benefits - this should pretty much be the 'main point' (imo) of the article - first and foremost we design for the safety and wellness of others, so anything that can be beneficial to the human race, health and medically speaking, should be a key point. 0 deaths from marijuana, compared to 75,000 year from alcohol and 700,000 year from tobacco - ridiculous! its not harmful, its not addictive - its one of the safest resources we can use. marijuana is by far the largest cash crop in the united states. and in my honest opinion, if you have the time or energy you should take some time to write about hemp and the possibilities and benefits of having a hemp industry. i like the mention of the 'forbidden fruit effect' idea. clearly people are trying and using marijuana, even though and because it's illegal. i would suggest talking about the benefits of legalizing marijuana, governmentally and economically speaking (regulations, taxes, money back to the public, paid for medicare system?, etc..). elaborate on government spending in regulating marijuana laws and the whole 'war on drugs'. some of the figures you'll find can be very disturbing... it's amazing the amount of time, energy and money that goes into the unnecessary war on drugs. if teenagers and young kids are part of a legal marijuana society, perhaps they'll be less apt to be a part of the illegal society, lessening their chances to come in contact with hard drugs and illegal activities. i suggest watching the union if you haven't seen it. it's a great documentary on marijuana, the industry, it's implications and it's move towards legalization. great essay for sure man, hittin some key points. again, not sure how much time or effort you want to put into this, but if you are passionate about it i would suggest writing a beastly article (possibly disproving any stereotypes that your teacher may have, ha!). what i wrote were just some general ideas and thoughts i had as i read it - take it as you will. i dig your article and where it could go man! -------------------------end of quote------------------------------------------ OP, listen to this man for sure, as a basic structure your essay is really good, but you will be taken even more seriously if you cite some sources and some facts and expand on your discussion points. You could also use the argument, that, contrary to popular belief, legalisation and regulation of narcotics does not necessarily lead to a rise in use of them> Portugal and Holland are both examples of this, they have de facto decriminilisation, which means that technically cannabis there is still illegal, but there is an agreement that certain establishments (such as the Amsterdam coffeeshops) can sell cannabis. It also means people are allowed to possess small amounts of cannabis for personal use. I think you're also allowed to grow in Portugal but I'm not certain of that, I'm also not certain of how much you are allowed to possess for personal use, I think it's something like an ounce or two. Good luck, I hope your teacher recognises your points as valid, but remember, the more effort you put in, the more recognition you will get. Who knows, if you hand in a great essay the teacher might read it to the class and more people will be informed about the turh in regards to cannabis! Nice work. Peace PS lols i started postin this before you posted the thing sayin it had to only be 5 paragraphs, my bad, hopefully this is some decent feedback anyway
I didnt like your beginning sentence, it sound unprofessional. I'll read it later when I'm fucked up on my edibles tonight, and give you really strong feedback okay? Since the 1930s, marijuana has been illegal in the eyes of the U.S. government. The only eyes that decide what's illegal in our country is our government, so isn't this statement irrelevant? Cant you say.. "Marijuana has been illegal in the United States since the 1930s." Even that is not a great opening sentence imo. Also, in persuasive essays I think youre supposed to outline your main points in your beginning paragraph. So have a sentence about each body paragraph in the first paragraph, and the first sentence is supposed to give an idea as to what your position in the argument is. Finally sum it all up at the conclusion.
Third Man, sorry you wrote all that out lol. And I still appreciated the feedback. I'm probably not going to go back through and do much more other than cite my sources, but I'll see if I can't get it read to the classs ! And I look forward to your insightful feedback Paleo, once your in the mood!
Nah it's cool breh, I like applying my mind to stuff like this, I've just applied to do English at university, so this kinda shit interests me. I like the nuances of essays and writing and language and shit, so I like to try and keep my vocab sharp and my wits sharp, don't like to come on grass city just to browse and post one-liners all the time Glad to be appreciated
You know originally I wanted to come on to Grasscity and ask if someone else wanted to write it for me lol (figuring this would be the best place of course!), but I figured I should do it and that I'd learn some cool things about weed's history I never knew. Turned out great and glad I wrote it. And I also love having sharp wording, I know exactly what you mean. The feeling you get when the words come out just right and you're like, "NAILED IT!!!". I might not want to go to any university for writing, but it's one of the reasons I love typing