I used To Write Jokes More Often

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by Drivenone, May 22, 2010.

  1. But I broke my sense of humor and be complaining about it ever since.

    Here's my latest work of art. There's an improve studio opening up where I live and I am going to go for my 15 minutes. I'll take 5 if they let me.

    Did you ever notice that when your flight is delayed and the pilot comes onto the public address system it's never good news. "Attention passengers, we sorry, the ground crew installed one of the engines on upside down and the one tool that can fix the problem is on back order and will take 4-6 weeks to arrive. Once again we are sorry for the delay. We will depart as soon as we are given clearance."

    Just once I would like the pilot to announce that the flight is being delayed because a big bag of money was found on the runway and the tower has instructed us to divide it up equally among the passengers and that the stacks are getting so tall that they fall over and the rubber bands they are using to wrap the money keep breaking because the piles are so thick.

    Instead we get something like, "This IS your captain I'm sorry the flight has been delayed because someone stole a few jokes to make up as his own and was caught using the public address system to rehearse his routine. We will be taking off just as soon as the Sky Marshal has finished escorting this disruptive passenger from the airplane.".

    NOTES: Maybe the one "tool" should be on vacation. Oddly enough it's the same one that put the engine on upside down. Also thinking that a muddled voice is more for fast food than an airplane, but then passengers could come back with, "what did he say"
  2. You should write for a standup.
  3. Thanks. All I need is someone to pay for the material.
  4. I found this website called, walkscore. What you do is enter your address and the website calculates a walkscore based on the businesses and entertainment within walking distance of where you live. Well, I entered my address, I live in Burnt Scrotum, Illinois, and the website came up with a walkscore of 74 out of 100. I went to share this information with my mom and she said that it seems very walkable. I replied, not when your balls are on fire. Anyone here ever have their balls on fire? Anyone here from our sister city, Roasted vagina? Seems pretty walkable doesn't it?
  5. Wtf? ..
  6. #6 rockylovesemily, May 29, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2010
    you totally stole that joke from Brian Regan! Joke Stealer!
  7. I've never written jokes before but I've always wanted to write rants. I just wrote this and am curious to know whether or not people think it's funny/entertaining. Let me know if you hate it though, I'm thick skinned don't worry :)

    Have any of you ever tried using self checkout at a grocery store or a CVS? Now I'll admit I thought it was cool the first time I ever saw it, but then I got over it faster than Kirstie Alley got over dieting.

    Kirstie Alley begins another weight loss regime after ballooning to 16st | Mail Online
    (check out these pics!)

    I now HATE self checkout, and frankly who ever invented it. I mean, why would I want to do something on my own that stores have to pay employees in order to get them to do? I asked the employee, Jeanie, that checked me out the last time I was at the grocery store if she would be bagging groceries if she wasn't getting paid, and she told me she wouldn't even be sucking dick if she wasn't getting paid. (I quickly walked out... after leaving her my number)

    What are the advantages of self checkout anyway? Am I gonna get a check in the mail for bagging my own groceries? And don't try and tell me that it's faster because there's ALWAYS an error. The last time I used self checkout it told me I was placing improper weights into my grocery bag. What does that even mean? I had to stand there and wait for an assistant to help me (the machine makes this part mandatory), embarrassingly noticing all of the onlookers angrily judging me as being an idiot. At least I now know how Keanu Reevs feels at his movie premieres.

    Why did I use self checkout if I hate it so much? The employee at the store pressured me into it. I was standing in the regular line when she said from behind the counter with a lot of attitude and sass, "You know, the self checkout lane is open." Sure I could have admitted to her that I couldn't handle it, but the subtext of what she said was more suggestive than Camel cigarette's ads to teens. She was essentially saying, "Hey, you go do my job. I don't want to do it." But god damn it, I don't want to do it myself! Give me some fucking help. I'm not an expert. I didn't use to work in a grocery store. I was never employee of the month. It takes me a while to find the bar code on every single item, scan it, and properly place it in the bag all while praying deep down that I didn't commit another weight error. At least this weight error isn't as major as Kirstie Alley's.

    (here's another funny fat picture of her)
  8. Yeah... what the fuck...? Fuck?

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