So I was just watching "how I met your mother" and the episode was all about the last thing they ever said to their dad because the main guys dad died and it made me think about the last thing I ever said to my dad and it made me have yet another panic attack. Idk why this is happening. Recently I keep getting them again. I have an order of protection against my dad since christmas day 2011. He is a narcissistic alcoholic drug addict. List a drug, and chances are he is addicted. Every day I wake up and wonder if today will be the day I get a call saying he OD'd and its exhausting. (Another blade helped me think of that way to explain the feeling).The last thing I said to him was when I was at my mates and he said "Hey cheese (my nickname) happy new year, got anything planned?" And all I said was "stop talking to me". I feel like such a dick head. I should have just said it back and he prob would have let it be. I didn't know that in 2013 I still wouldn't be talking to him. For all I know, he could be dead. Or in jail. I moved country's so I could be away from it all, and his family has no way of contacting mine. I know he is still alive, but I just have a feeling that he doesn't have long if he keeps acting the way he does. Idk what to do, if I contact him, he won, and my mom would be mad and disappointed. but if I don't, I may never speak to him again. He still thinks I live in the USA. That's how bad it is between us. The other day I was having a joint with my friend and talked to him about it and it made me realise how real all my fears are and I am so lost right now. I am having really severe panic/anxiety attacks and keep having suicidal thoughts. (I'm not suicidal, I just sometimes think it would be easier, and when I see cars driving by, or at the train station, I just imagine myself throwing myself in front of then and ending it all, not that I ever actually would). Sorry for the wall of text. Thank you for even reading this, even if you don't post. I just needed to rant. Only you can finish th
We are all depressed in one way or another. Just do things that make you happy, life's too short to be sad.