I Think He Might Propose, and I'm So Scared

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by rock_lobster, Feb 17, 2009.

  1. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, give or take a few months when we took a break. He is the most important person in my life. He is my inspiration, my best friend, my accomplice, my everything.

    Anyway, I went to visit him this weekend this Valentine's day and I have reason to believe that he is going to ask me to marry him in the near future. There were some very heavy clues that he may or may not have planned on me noticing. First he opened a new bank account and made me the beneficiary. Then he asked me what ring size I wear (but also asked my pant size in the same breath. A cover I suspect). Then my mom called and informed me that he left a message on my father's cell phone asking if he could talk to him about something. He has never called my father before. And at dinner he said is so happy to have me in his life and that he wants me to be a part of him forever. Woah!

    So I'm full of butterflies because while I envision Joseph in my future and my partner in life I don't think I am ready to be a married woman at this point in my life. It makes me excited to think of him as my husband but it also scares me to imagine that kind of responsibility and well...commitment. I'm still in college and I still have a lot of things to experience and matters to sort out before I can 'settle down'.

    What if he asks me? If I were 30 I would say yes, but I'm only 21. What what would I say because I can't say no, how does one deny a marriage proposal? I don't want to break his heart and I don't ever want to lose him. But right now marriage is a scary concept I can't wrap my head around. What to do? ADVICE PLEASE!
  2. Just tell him your not ready for that big of a commitment yet, tell him your feelings, and how you see your life with him and everything but your just not ready for that commitment yet.
  3. Tell him exactly what you said here... If he has an open mind and loves you, I think he will understand.
  4. well if you have no doubt that you'll be married in the future then you can either say not yet. but somday or say yes and just be engaged for a while until you guys do all the shit you want to
  5. I'm only 18 and a guy. But IMHO the best way to let a guy down is to be 100% honest with him. Let him know everything you told us and that you want to be with him, but aren't ready for marriage. Good luck.
  6. I pretty much agree with what has been said above. If you guys have a strong, stable relationship, he should not only welcome but ENCOURAGE you to be honest with him, so he's going to appreciate the fact that you respected him enough to just be truthful.
    Marriage is a big deal, and if you don't feel ready, that's your choice. It sounds like you have a good relationship going, so no worries, it will happen in the future.. No need to rush!:D Good luck!
  7. one thing that also needs to be discussed is career stuffs, marriage is expensive, raising a family is expensive, buying a home, etc. At 21 you're in college, hopefully, and getting married in college just adds a whole bunch of extra stressors that would be dealt with at a much better time in life.

    I literally just finished watching Dr. Phil because it applied to an essay I'm writing for school and one thing he discussed was brain development, it doesn't finish developing until you're 25 and the last thing to develop is the Neo Cortex, the reasoning center of the brain that allows you to see the consequences of you're actions.

    If you want to marry him, TELL HIM, but he also needs to know there's a time and place for everything. While you are still in school, trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, it is not the proper time to make one of the most significant decisions that you'll ever make behind having a child.

    Talk to your father and mother about it too, they've been there, done that and got the T shirt. Your boyfriend is being very traditional and respecting your father in calling him and presumably asking his permission to marry you. Your father will be able to put things in perspective for him and might be able to hint that it's not the right point in EITHER of your lives to pile on another infinitely complex relationship dynamic.

    What kind of things do you want to experience and matters to sort out before you settle down? Saying something like that is a very easy way to SCARE THE SHIT out of your boyfriend if you're not specific.

    In the end, you tell him what you need to tell him, but you seem like you have your head on straight so nothing terrible is going to happen.
  8. thanks barfdog, you've given me very valuable advice

    I think do want to marry joseph just not now. first I'd like to land a secure job, go back to south america for a while, pay off my student loans, maybe go to graduate school.

    I'm just imagining breaking his heart. A proposal is an important milestone but nobody discusses what happens when someone says no. And how is he supposed to wait for me? I'm going to have to tell him before he proposes I think.

    I'm also very frightened to tell my parents about this. How to tell my mom without scaring her too? I don't think she's ready for this concept either.

    What if he isn't planning to propose after all?

    This is all so confusing but I'm pretty sure I must act now and tell him that I want to be with him but right now marriage is not something that fits into my life right now. Wish me luck.
  9. #9 barfdog17, Feb 17, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2009
    TELL YOUR PARENTS, if anyone is going to support you unconditionally it is going to be them. They are going to want nothing more than your happiness and for you to live a fulfilling life, but you can't have your cake and eat it too, ya dig? They'll give you some perspective.

    Proposals are never a guarantee, it's not uncommon for the 3rd time to be the charm. If he isn't planning to propose, your parents still know what is on your mind and will know how to handle him if he does come calling.

    You definitely have your head on your shoulders, wanting to get a job, pay off your loans and such. It's excellent. One of the BIGGEST reasons marriages fail if because of financial reasons and starting off a marriage in heavy collegiate debt is definitely not a good way to begin. If he tries to tell you it doesn't matter, he wants you no matter what, please refer to what I mentioned about Dr. Phil.

    If you know that you want to marry him, be very clear to that when he proposes, if you are sure about this then explain to him what your needs and goals are. You may be able to say yes and keep a long engagement, or if you want to do things a different way...think of The Count of Monte Cristo...

    After Edmond Dantes receives his Captain's papers, he tells Mercedes they can get engaged as soon as he can afford the ring. She says the ring doesn't matter as she wraps a thread from the blanket they just spent the night under around her left ring finger, saying that's all she'll need and he'll never see it leave her finger.

    Call it a pre-engagement if you like, if you'd rather not go through a LONG engagement...something to show him you intend to go the whole nine yards in the future, but you still want to show your dedication to him between now and then.

    Hope I gave you some help and maybe an idea or two. :)

    Good luck, you'll be fine, the love is obviously there, but marriage isn't just about love. It's about dedication, commitment and communication. Right now you need to dedicate your time to you. Finish school, do your travel/grad school/work and do what you need to do to make settle your life. After you settle your life some and he settles his life, you can both settle down together.

    oh yeah, pimpin' name, I love the B-52's
  10. thanks again for the advice. a long engagement does not sound too shabby.
    I think Joseph wants to put a ring on my finger to assure that we will be together and that ring symbolizes the kind of dedication he seeks. I believe he's touching on that satisfaction and security found in claiming your conquest by putting your mark on it- a ring on the finger of your girlfriend. Hopefully he's not getting at the marriage of two individuals in order to start a family and settle down together.

    I called my mom this morning and I didn't exactly tell her that I think he want to propose BUT I did sort of beat around the commitment bush. I asked how one can tell when two people are ready for long term commitment.
    She said I should think of any flaws that I find in Joseph and our relationship and ask myself if I can live with those flaws for the rest of my life. and If I think we can work change them TOGETHER as a couple or work to cope with them TOGETHER. I thought of how Joseph is a sort of pack rat, how sometimes he doesn't last long enough in bed,. Then I thought of how in our relationship I wear the pants and have turned him in to a real pushover, when ideally I'd want for us to be equals. And I do think I can live with his untidiness and we can always work on our sex life and relationship dynamics. Really it's not a question of whether or not I want him as my life partner but how to tell him that I'm not ready for marriage.
    That phone call will come later.

    As for now..thanks for your help.
  11. sounds like you know what you gotta do, if he wants advice on how to last longer...
    i think i might just make a thread about it, you can talk to him about it if you want...but for now I have to finish writing a term paper for sociology :( either way, best of luck, it seems like everything will be fine
  12. he's coming over this weekend and that's when I'll tell him. i can't do it over the phone
  13. WTF happened!
  14. -rep for no updates.
  15. she ran for it haha :smoke:
  16. chill out butt muscles, i'm back. i've been busy!

    so things turned out to be a lot less serious then i thought. So Joseph came to visit last week and we went to the local mall to get my phone upgraded. we walked by a kids' play area and I stopped him and sat down. I said this "joe I think I want to marry you some day, just not for a while'. then he said 'Okay'....bah! I left it at that because I know he takes a while to express his feelings. So later after we mulled around in the mall for a while, which was excruciating because he wouldn't say anything and things just felt so awkward, we get home and I asked him why he wanted to talk to my father.

    he told me that he had gotten a bonus check from work and decided to spend it on a cruise for me and my family come July (my mom and I have the same birthday July 25th so we always do something fun). But since my dad has heart problems in his old age he wanted to know what kind of accomodations he would need on a cruise ship. he was trying to keep it secret from my mom and I. OMG what a dork I am.
    So that's when I just broke it down. I told him how I thought he was going to propose because how he called my dad, made me a beneficiary etc...then how I had a freak out and posted my life on a message board. It was pretty embarrassing at first because I had jumped to conclusions. but eh, i felt better after I had gotten it all out.
    so we talked for a long, long time. I cried like a big baby. basically he told me that marriage is something that's reserved for the future and right now he just wants me to ''be his girlfriend for as long as possible''. we came to an agreement that we wouldn't talk about the big and intimidating future for a while. but things are kind of awkward between us after that talk. we've only talked in brief bouts over the phone. he's coming again at the end of the week and I may or may not bring it up again. things are weird but we will get thru it.
  17. you guys need to have some hot sex, that'll kill some of the awkwardness

    and then tell us about it ;)

    we want pictures too :)
  18. this thread is great...

    i like it when a female tries too '' guess'' whats going on....

    ''creating drama''...TOO FIND THIER SUSPESIONS WERE WRONG,,,,

    i bet when you told that dude this he was like<>____--------------what?:cool:

    good luck to your future,,,

    and definatlly visit south america..:wave:
  19. #20 rock_lobster, Mar 4, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2009
    to barf: oh yeah he's going to get it real good friday night. i like to think i'm not your average chick but its true, i too have the tendency to blow things way out of proportion. but this is the most serious a boy has EVER gotten with me...he wants to take me and my PARENTS on a cruise. below is a picture of us, in case you guys really wanted to know. thanks everyone for your help.

    Attached Files:

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