I allow you a brief glimpse at my thought process. Sometimes I think I'm really messed up in the head. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't see many -- or any -- reasons for my existence. The one reason I see is to act upon these bad thoughts. Of course I won't but sometimes I think I should. It feels like I'm supposed to. Every time I turn back on the right path, I see the exit for suicidal and homicidal thoughts and I get back on that little Route 66 of horror. Once you realize how easy it is, it just fucking gnaws and nags at you. I truly think sometimes that I am a psycho. But damn, sometimes it feels good to be bad. I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be a Marine. I always wanted to be a soldier. I wanted to die in battle. But physically and mentally, I'm just not good enough. It's a tough pill to swallow. It really is. I wish I could be normal sometimes. I wish I didn't fuck up all the time. *cue emo theme song* [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2NGe9mLAEc[/ame] I'm so tired of fucking up. I'm so tired of feeling inferior with one half of my being and with the other half, I feel overpoweringly superior to every other human being. It's fucking insane, man. Phew... I'm just gonna jam out to this song. I fucking LOVE this song. The lyrics say more than I could ever say to my loved ones. "It's been a while since I could say that I wasn't addicted, and it's been a while since I could say I love myself as well and... it's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do. It's been a while, but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you."
Live in Joy, In love, Even among those who hate. Live in joy, In health, Even among the afflicted. Live in joy, In peace, Even among the troubled. Look within. Be still. Free from fear and attachment, Know the sweet joy of living in the way. ~ There is no fire like greed, No crime like hatred, No sorrow like separation, No sickness like hunger of heart, And no joy like the joy of freedom. Health, contentment and trust Are your greatest possessions, And freedom your greatest joy. Look within. Be still. Free from fear and attachment, Know the sweet joy of living in the way. -from the Dhammapada, Words of the Buddha
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaxXgQcMk8E]YouTube - World So Cold - 12 Stones[/ame] "Are you sane? Where is the shame? A moment of time passes by. You cannot rewind. Who's to blame and where did it start? Is there a cure for your sickness? Have you no heart?"
i am confused and don't really understand this thread...i think you should seek some therapy or medical help from someone or somewhere. maybe smoke more weed for your depression and anxiety
I use to listen to that Staind song when I was super depressed. My advice: Don't listen to music like that. Music totally affects mood. ...unless you want that mood, whatevs. *shrug* No judgement here.
I understand how you feel, very well. More than anything, I understand how it feels to be so divided, to have one part of yourself that you can love and accept and another part that you revile. To be at war with yourself, in constant battle with the things you can't change, and the things you wouldn't change for anything in the world. The fact is, no one knows the reason they exist. Everyone decides on different explanations, or decides not to decide. The way I see it, we find our own answers in life, and we are our own solution. We exist, so why ask why when you could expend that energy on finding your own answer to why you exist. Me, I exist to Question, Understand and Relate. I didn't need anyone to tell me, and if they had I never would have believed them. Look within yourself. Just because you may not stack up to someone else's standard's of greatness doesn't mean you're not capable of achieving the loftiest goal you can set your mind to. In a world enshrouded by doubt, knowing that those are my reasons for being here are a light in the fog-covered darkness. The whole world is one big bundle of FUCKED-UP and I sincerely doubt you're as messed up as you feel. Yet feeling that so intensely makes it as good as real, so I understand the pressure there. The bottom line is this: Don't let the rest of the world define who you are, or what you are, or who/what/where you should be. Those are for you alone to decide. There is no such thing as normal. You are as normal as you wanna be, or as abnormal as you can be, it's all the same and it's all up to you. I suggest finding someone to talk to, to help you get out of your head at least a little bit. Maybe if you can take a step back you'll see things more clearly
There exists a lot of truth in some old sayings; To err is human, to forgive is divine. A lot of times we forget that that applies to the metrics we give ourselves. We will continue to fuck up because we are human; and it is ok. Continue to strive forward and learn from your mistakes. If you know better and intentionally go down the fuckup path, it begs one question. Do you personnally feel it is fucking up or is it a restriction placed upon you? Are you being careless and sub-consciously wanting to be caught? No matter what happens, that too shall pass. There is rarely a good reason to carry through on a suicide thought. Yet we are human and it is easy to contemplate it as the easy way out. Forgive yourself Blade.
honestly, you can choose to bear the past as a weight which is exhausting or you can choose to bear it as a ladder to help you reach your goals. There is no such thing as failure blade, just trying and learning from your errors, to better the next attempt at whatever you undertake. Oh and that song is depressing as hell, throw on some sublime man, I swear it works wonders.
