I need direction

I'm not sure where to start or what i'm even trying to accomplish from this thread, i just have no one to talk to, i'm really lost, and have nothing to live for at this moment.

I'm not sure what i should do, currently i wouldn't care if an Anvil just fell ontop of me in the middle of me writing this, but here is my perception on things.


I grew up in a broken family, my parents gave me everything i ever wanted while they were doing construction work and college at nights while trying to raise me as well. I never had any family time, i really don't know anything about them, it's actually depressing how little i know. I'm not really included into the family because they all like going out to eat and shopping, just killing time through materialistic things. But my problem is, i don't care about materialistic things but i just want them so i won't be judged. Currently i'm driving an 03 nissan altima, i like the car, great car, it's just right now is the only time of my life where i wont be tied down to a relationship, woman, child, where i can have a two seater coupe. The Altima however has a couple problems, i was picking up my sister from school one day and i was stopped at a red light, someone hit me from behind and an Emergency truck pulled up and told us to park somewhere else so we are off the road from interrupting cars. This is where i didn't get any witnesses, so the cop comes shes trying to say shes not sure how she hit me, i give it to my dad the ticket because we change insurance companies and i'm not sure how to handle it. Turns out it isn't gonna be handled, her company doesn't want to pay since there conflicting sides to the story and i'm -$750. Then there is also on the side panel right before the passenger door, my dad backed up in his car and hit it. I'm probably facing $2,000 worth of damages and i'm not sure what to do. I know my car is fine, it runs, it gets me from point a to point b, but i have no drive in my life, no cause, no purpose, no family, and barely any friends. I just don't want to be the guy who is ostracized for no reason, it's not because i'm a nerd, i'm just not into the same things everyone else is and i don't feel like being a target for them. It's not even that i'm scared i'll be picked on or whatever, i just kind of want to be the man a little bit where people don't even think of judging you.

I don't know, i'm really lost and have been contimplating suicide all day, i know how stupid of a reason this sounds but really all i ever had my whole life was my dog before he died and now my car that really mean anything to me. I never had relationships with people to care about, just a dog and a car.... how pathetic.

 

where have i said i feel sorry for myself? I tried to give a brief background, i said my parents gave me everything i wanted my whole life, the only thing i never got was a pair of parents. No one raised me, they raised my sisters after they made money and got over the first born. I'm not blaming them, however i do think there is a correlation between parents who do not talk, spend time, communicate, or socialize in anyway with their children and those who feel ostracized at school and grow up not caring what society thinks.

 

lynguistics@live.com

 

holy crap, how you know i fail math and all my friends did actually go a year ahead of me?

but i didn't care, my girlfriend moved that year anyways and the rest of the 8th grade kind of sucked. I used to actually be everyones favorite back then, the class clown who isn't an arrogant jackass, but just a funny whitty kid in the corner who everyone admired to a degree.


I just lost all that, i don't care about entertaining society or even if they like me. I don't feel ostracized by them, but by my beliefs and decisions. My norms leave me ostracized, i do it to myself because i'm true to myself.


I'm not saying it's my parents fault, just giving background information on what my personality is like. I never said any of it was my parents fault, just that this is the way i am and why i'm so lost because the one people you think i'd be able to talk to, i'm not able too. My dad would crack jokes like "what's your age" in the car to try and start a conversation, he was never the most considerate, but i don't blame him for the way i am. I'm just looking for advice for the WAY i am.

 

There are things that interest me, i'm interested in Politics, Government, Policies, Laws, Society, Culture, the basic human want for a higher being, the federal reserve, roor, marijuana, different personality types, the mind, the 3rd eye, conspiracy theories, its just that most of humanity doesn't ever talk about that. I used to kill time when i was younger just playing video games, i knew i could get the ladies if i really tried but i just never really cared. I'm not ugly, a nerd, any stereotype really. I just like my own things but sometimes being all alone is hard work when you don't want the company from outsides, you just like the IDEA of company, but the actual thing is never as good as what you perceive usually.

if you are anything like me, you would find this to be some what fun and informational, especially while high.

do a brief over view of every grade you were in, including summer, just anything important that comes to mind. i've never really thought about my past, never had any family stories to remember or anything like that so i just live in my constant mind state of present. It'll be fun trying to recall the past though.

 

I honestly only know one other dude who can hold intellectual conversations with what i mentioned above and honestly enjoy it, he also happens to be in a felon diversion program. He's the man though.

yeah, i always hung out with older kids for some reason.

i don't remember my life that much back up in NY, but as soon as i got to NC i was hanging out with people like twice my age. I remember when i first moved to NC i was like 7 in these apartments and this guy offered me a hit from a roach, told me it was a hot tootsie roll. Later on i'd hang out with another kid who was like 14 in middle school and we'd chill in the woods, he had a tent back there and had all this porn. It was a little weird but he gave me some to bring home, and we saw the dude who offered me a roach fucking his girlfriend on a coach in the basement and they had glass sliding doors right infront of the couch lol.

 

Alright, I'll go just because this is my thread and i think it'll help me try to recall everything.

In NY i was like 5 years old and it was around when my parents were talking to me about religion some what. They told me if i was bad and sinned i'd go to hell for eternity and one night while i was watching the Chicago Bulls game with my father, out of no where i just thought about eternity in hell, and started crying. I didn't think i was worthy of heaven, i didn't think anyone was, we're all doomed.

When i first moved to NC i lived in these apartments, hung out with older kids, i was always the smallest and typically got hurt because we'd do bike stunts or at least try. Me being small and stupid, easily fell into peer pressure because i need acceptance the most out of them for being littler.

In 6th grade i started having a relationship with a sophomore in high school, we'd make out and feel each other up. Nothing too great, but her being so old made me feel special. We'd always be on the phone and all, first time i ever experienced love, stupidly as a 6th grader i thought to myself i wouldn't even mind marrying her.

In 7th grade i met my first homeless man, he lived behind the mall's bookstore located adjacent from the mall. My friend lived in town homes back there and we'd cut across peoples backyards and met this guy who did crack cocaine and eventually saved us from high schoolers chasing us down after we mooned them while they were on the road driving. Nuts story, but they made a quick turn hopped out and chased us down, my friend fell and the guy "Newman" was living back there on a couch and came out with a knife to get all the kids away.

In 8th grade i found a girl i really liked. She was really pretty, ended up being a horrible kisser but over all a great person. She eventually moved and i ended up failing the first time of 8th grade. One of my friends failed the 7th grade and we were good buddies, but after him making completely new friends when he failed. That summer of 7th grade i began smoking weed with my older friend who could drive and i eventually started buying from him and sneaking out to go to parties and get drunk/high. I didn't really drink back then, just smoked weed.

I'd eventually come to a realization to me not believing in god for any reason besides i was scared of hell. I did research and tried to reinstil my faith, but the harder i tried it seemed is if i'm the only one who even cared that much. I cried not knowing, it was a bad time for me. I'm still currently agnostic, i don't know, no one does, but i'm not willing to devote my life to another mans book.

Later on when i was 15 i got in a car accident with him and 2 other friends, they were both around 19 to 20 and we just got vodka, and 1/8th of dank, and some orange crush. We were playing golf at a shooting range and we're pretty hammered and high, he ended up smashing into a mustang on the way back. I ended up not getting prosecuted because it was weeks before my 16th, and they couldn't try me as an adult.

i didn't make so many friends, i made a really good friend my second year of 8th grade who was pretty much completely like me. He had long hair, didn't give a fuck about society, liked certain rock music, was over all one of the best friends i've ever had. Unfortunately he transfered that year and they ended up moving before the next grade.


In 9th grade i didn't make many friends, i've been playing video games in my spare time instead of doing homework and just passing by. I was addicted to both Runescape for 3 years from 6th to my second time in 8th grade, where i made around 1 billion gp, worth at least thousands of US dollars if it could have been properly sold. I did end up making $800 cash for random shit after i quit though and lost all my money because i didn't care about it. I saw what a waste of time, energy, and life that game was and just quit. I picked up an xbox 360 and started play h2 live and did that for a solid year, got pretty good but got sick of the game. I would eventually go on and sell my xbox and probably sell and buy one back another 4 times down the road into my junior year.

Sophmore, I started smoking weed heavily, multiple times a day and haven't had a break since, i'm now 18 years old. I made a girlfriend that year who i really cared for, an asian girl who made me feel like the man. She knew i was some what special because i was smarter than the rest, i was distributing weed lightly and wasn't one of those typical dealers. I didn't get the best grades, i didn't care, i didn't have the most friends, i didn't try. But when we were together everything was alright. We eventually broke up because we got in some big fight over me smoking too many cigarettes and marijuana and she wanted to stop. Sophomore year was my first year tripping acid, she did it as well.

My Junior year i actually cared a little, i had quite a bit of friends, was distributing weight, and people cared about my opinion some what because i was so detached from the rest of the school. I smoked a lot of weed, ended up not giving a fuck about what anyone thought of me. I didn't enjoy my classes because everyone was so immature, and it wasn't worth being there in my eyes. I wasn't learning much but stupid brainless memorization of dates and names, which no one even gives a fuck about in todays world, we barely care for our constitution. I ended up dropping out and i'm unemployed trying to obtain my GED currently.