I must act against my very morals, and I need help

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by BLUZero, Oct 14, 2014.

  1. Calling all insensitive/harsh blades:
    Probably not the best way to start, but this is of vital importance to me. I am a person who believes strongly in family, especially in supporting family members, yet I seek advice that goes against these beliefs. 
    I need any advice on emotionally damaging a self-centered woman in her early 30s.
    I'm worried this may conflict with forum guideline M, but I believe that after reading my reason why hopefully you will come to agreement with me and hopefully be able to help.
    The woman I refer to is my older sister. She is unmarried with 3 kids, the youngest having autism and needing extra care and attention, has no fixed income, and seems to go out of her way to do as terrible a job as possible at taking care of her kids. For the last 10 or so years of her life (her oldest son is 15) she has lived like a 16 year old girl: going out and coming back at unreasonable hours, partying, doing unmentionables, and overall completely ignoring the needs of her children, who have by now lost respect for her. She leaves all 3 kids unattended for usually a period of 3 days at a time, only to return and sleep for 1-2 days afterwards, rinse, and repeat. CPS has been all over her ass for the past 8 or so years but she is unbelievably good at playing the "I know I did wrong but I'm trying to improve" card that just tears at the heartstrings of all CPS workers.  Our mother, who is consequentially left to care for her kids in our (yes, our, I'm 18 and still living at home) already struggling and crowded home. Not only that though, but she purposefully ignores any calls from my mom because she would rather do what she wants than raise kids (her son has proven this to us more times than need be said). We barely meet the financial needs to feed ourselves every night, let alone 3 more kids. She relies on food stamps for food because she blows all her money on unmentionables or gambling (also have proof). I honestly believe she is the absolute worst mother I have ever laid my eyes upon. Tonight I have made the (in my opinion) incredibly wise choice of disowning her, of which I will perform to her face the next time I have the misfortune of seeing her.
    I know it sounds wrong to want to hurt one's own sister, but after reading the above passage is it not clear that she deserves this? I want her to have to cope not only with the pain of losing a family member's respect and support, but also the emotional sting that only a heartless woman who's only care is herself can feel.
    Note to moderators: if you feel this post is in violation of any guidelines by all means please remove it. I simply have nowhere else to turn and seek the wise words of my fellow blades in this lawn that is life.
    Any feedback helps honestly, but I am primarily looking for ways to open her eyes so she can see how horrible of a life she is giving to her children, kids who have potential and deserve better, but may never get it because of her selfish tendencies.

  2. Honestly if you just have her read what you posted that would be all you can do. You've said exactly how you feel right here. The fact that your last resort is asking an anonymous online community to give advice about how to tell her she is a horrible mother/human being should be enough to make a point, unless she is a total psychopath.
    Your last few lines are the strongest. Let her know she is destroying her own childrens' futures.

    Sent from my iPhone using Grasscity Forum
  3. Here's my personal opinion. Maybe someone should go over to her house and help. Help her take care of her kids in her house. If your house is full of people maybe you could go to her house and help. The kids would probably like it better. Be tough, don't do stuff for her but help her do what she needs to get done. Raising three kids all alone is hard as hell. Some people love their kids but just can't do it. You know your sisters heart. Is she a good person? Is she bad? Is she a good person but obviously drowning in her situation? Is she just a bad douche? If she's good - help her, man! Be a brother (or sister) she's family, and you don't kick someone when they are down.
    If she's a bad douche, yeah get her kids taken away, call cps, whatever.

    Sent from my iPhone using Grasscity Forum
  4. Do not hurt your sister. Do for your nephews and neices what she cannot. Be the best damn uncle you can be. Eventually, they will rather spend time with you than with her. She doesn't care. Her kids will disown her too.
  5. My girlfriend's older sister is just like this, only short two kids. She has a 5 year old who has a sort of seizure disease that set him back a year or two in development. Her mom and dad have to raise the kid, and I assume I will be helping with my girlfriend when we move back home. Finally after years of bullshit, her parents kicked her out for good and took custody; but now the kid asks where mommy is, and down the road, we get to explain to him that his mother is a bum, a hobo essentially, and that she loves getting drunk more than she loves him. That's fucked up. I feel your pain OP, even if indirectly. My gf and I have been dating since before her nephew was born, so I'm essentially his uncle (as his real uncle doesn't wana help, he's just a kid and hates his sister even more, probably blaming the kid for some of the family's woes) as I've seen him grow up, and my gf's mom calls me uncle *my name* to her grandson. It's fucked up, his mom stole from her family till they couldn't take it any longer.
    You can never expect someone like that to grow up. If I were you OP, I'd definitely never talk to her or let her even be near her kids again. She's a sack of shit, just like my gf's sister. It's terrible, but IDK why bitches like this don't get abortions... how the fuck is ruining a child's life better than aborting him and saving him the pain of growing up with a hobo for a mother?
  6. You guys do not know sack of shit until you've met my sister.

    Let it go, make sure you're always there for the kids and ignore her as much as possible.

    The only time cunty mccuntface and I speak now is when I want my nephew. Screw that bitch.
  7. To answer all the replies about telling her how I feel: our family went through all of that years ago, so it is about as effective as smacking her with a newspaper everytime she's late to pick up her kids (which is 100% of the time).
    In all honesty she just doesn't give a shit. Her kids like our home and family much more than they like her (well I guess except for the young autistic one, but he really doesn't know any better yet), and I've been being the best damn uncle I can be since I was 14. We've tried CPS a plethora of times, but as I said: she's a better bullshitter than anyone else I know to have somehow kept them after the many CPS calls she has faced.
    Do I know my sister's heart? No, we are years apart in age and I hardly remember growing up with her. If I had to guess though I'd say it is small, dark, and shriveled seeing as she finds it alright to leave her mentally disabled son at home unsupervised for days on end.
    In the end though, I feel my only realistic option to enforce change is to hurt her so bad that she can't stand to look in the mirror. I hate the idea of it but it's honestly the only option nobody has tried yet, and by god she deserves it like you wouldn't believe.
    So far all I can think of is rehashing what I posted above (most specifically the final sentence) to her after disowning her in front of our whole family, her kids included.
    Thanks for the support, my fellow blades. Stay lifted.
  8. #8 BLUZero, Oct 14, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2014
    I can't just let this go, this is the nth time she has done this and it's affected my life in a very negative way each time. This has happened all of the last 3 school years (not to mention other previous school years, only not consecutive like the last few), and it impedes my ability to study and focus on homework while I have to entertain my nephew who's only interest is smoking weed (likely has something to do with his mom's almost nonexistent parenting skills).
    As I said above though, I've been there for them for as long as I have been able to understand the gravity of the situation.
  9. My sister has being doing the SAME shit. She has stolen my money, she's tried to fuck my significant other (two incidents, two separate people) she has ruined 6 of my birthdays, continuously put me down, uses my past mistakes against me, starts bullshit with the rest of my family for attention, has borrowed money to get "gas" but spent it on drugs, has stolen my medicine and spread crazy rumors to my small town.

    Do you know how hard it is to get a job when your sister tells everyone you're a worthless drug addict?

    So, yeah, let it go. Otherwise it will continue to affect your life.
  10. My sister doesn't even have her kid because she was busy doing drugs and signed her away.

    Her daughter hates her, her son doesn't respect her and I just don't care anymore. She's an awful person, but I can't waste anymore energy on her. It's exhausting and pointless.
  11. Sue her for custody.
    Then sue her for child support.

    When she doesnt pay she'll lose her freedom and go to jail, over and over.

    Tough love.
  12. You should contact your countiy's Child Protective Services. They will know what to do,
  13. Yea as fucked up as dragging lawyers into this would be for the kids, I agree with pokesmot, only way youre gonna teach her a lesson is bitch slapping her with the law.

    Then once your family has custody, do what juicy said and make sure everyone ignores her very existence.
    I think the way I would handle this is similar to the way I would handle an addict. Tough love is capital, and you must understand what actions and behaviours you are doing that help to perpetuate this circumstance. You cannot control the actions of other people, but you can control your own. 
    Your Mother needs to grow a backbone. She needs to put her foot down, enough is enough, she needs to do it for her Grandbabies and her own sense of sanity. Its hard, probably the hardest thing she is going up until this point in her life, but she needs to do it. She needs to sit her down, maturely, calmly, and explain to her the choices she is going to have to make. Either she changes, or she is no longer welcome in this home. Either she financially pitches in for those babies, or she is not welcome in this home. You will not take phone calls, give money, shelter, support her in any way, until she makes some real PHYSICAL changes. Not talk, not "Oh I've learned I'll change I'm  so sorry give me another chance blah blah blah"  I"m talkin' making an effort to right herself. Getting a job, cleaning herself up, showing she can handle some responsibility. 
    If she doesn't want to do that, then she is not welcome there, she will have to go somewhere else. If she won't leave, you call the police, she is trespassing on private property. If she threatens to take the kids with her if you kick her out, then as heartbreaking as that is you let her. She won't have anywhere to take them, not being able to shelter your children is an issue the CPS should take seriously. 
    Either that, or she has the good sense to leave them with you and just go. 
    Yes, you will be saddled with the responsibility of children. Thats hard, but love them and care for them to your best ability. The hope here is the tough love will right her on the path so that eventually those children can live with her in her own home. If not, at least this way they are safe and the chaos is gone. Either the Chaos in her, or the chaos which is her. 
    Thats my advice. 
  15. She lives in a small house (in the basement) with other roommates. All her kids have to live in that basement with her while she has them, CPS is already mad about that.
    In the end the only solution we haven't tried that I feel is the best choice is an ultimatum. As much as I hate the idea it's the most appealing one in terms of forcing her to take action. I want to tell her "rehab or prison, pick your poison and pack your bags, cause it's one or the other"
    I think if that is an option, rehab or prison, that is definitely the way it needs to go. It IS a hard choice, but standing by is not helping so far.  Watching someone hit rock bottom is terrible and heartbreaking but it needs to happen. She's got to wake up for those kids. 
  17. It's kind of hard to give an opinion based on one side of the story and with little information to go on.  I understand you're upset with her and for good reason.  You are fully justified in your anger and resentment.  But think for a moment and try and figure out why her behavior is so out of control.  I've talked about medicating emotional pain and trauma.  There was a period in my life where I was the same way.  I hated life and everything in it.  I was self-destructive on so many levels.  I lost several good friends and alienated my family for awhile.  
    It started during college my 3rd year.  I was in Utah and got really drunk at a party.  I passed out in a bedroom and woke up to someone sexually assaulting me.  I tried to fight him off but he was just too strong for me and I was incapacitated.  It was the most humiliating horrifying experience of my life and that's saying something.  I haven't had it easy.  
    This catapulted me into a life of heavy drinking, pain killer abuse, getting myself into very dangerous situations because I no longer gave a shit.  I pushed everyone away and made sure they stayed away.  I destroyed my parents 25 wedding anniversy.  My sister didn't forgive me for years over that.  I never told a soul what happened.  To this day my family members have no idea.   
    I don't know what happened to your sister, maybe nothing, but this kind of behavior doesn't just spring up on its own.  The best thing you can do is give her that ultimatum.  For her own good.  She's coming to a point of no return.  She needs more than rehab.  She needs extensive counseling to get to the root of the issue.  It's the best thing for her.  And don't be guilty about your feelings.  They're honest and real.  But don't dwell on it for too long. Then you're letting her damage you even more.  Tell her how you feel.  Lay it all out.  You don't have to do it in a hateful way.  She is still your sister regardless of disownership (totally not a word).  Tell her about the disappointment, anger, resentment, and frustration she has caused you.  She needs to know what she is doing to those around her.  
    On a side note.  Two years later the individual who traumatized me wanted to contact me to apologize. He found me through the church and rang me up.  I can't even tell you the shock it gave me when i heard his voice on the phone.  I actually relived the assault.  He told me that he was going through the "repentance process"  (a mormon thing) and needed my forgiveness.  He wanted to apologize not for my sake but for HIS sake.  I used a few choice pungent expletives and hung up.   I spent years in therapy to get to a point where I can have a healthy relationship.  I am engaged to the man I love and he knows EVERYTHING about me and still loves me.  That takes a special person.  
    Stick to your guns.  She needs this.  I am so in awe of you.  To take on the responsibility you have is a tough burden to bear.  Especially someone your age.  You had the courage and fortitude to say enough is enough and regardless of the outcome what you are doing is the right thing.  Don't let anyone tell you different. 
  18. Sounds like it's too late to save the kids' respect for their mother but I guess it's still worth getting her to realize she's fucking up.

    I hope if you're 18 you're working to help your mom put food on the table before you are going online blaming your sister for your misfortune.
  19. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. After hearing the story of why she is leaving her kids with us I now am in full support of them living here. Aside from that though, her son supports my ultimatum idea so things are looking up in terms of her changing. That, or she's gonna go to jail
  20. #20 BLUZero, Oct 15, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2014
    No, actually I'm working hard at doing well in school so that I can get into a good college and take my mouth off of the feeding list. I would be working but intermingling the two is at the moment a terrible idea
    I am helping our finances though by donating about 90% of my social security payments to my family, so you are in no place to judge my choice of seeking help

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