I miss you Leah.

Leah, I miss you. I wish I could be your father but your mom chose to marry another man and let him be your father. She claims to say that you are not mine and that you are his. But you are white skinned like me with my grey eyes. He is dark brown with dark brown eyes. She says she took you for paternity results and just waiting for the rest of the money to get the results back. She has advised me to stay away, but I know you are mine as no one has grey eyes....no one. Only me and you.

Im sorry, she wont let me pay those results for you. She won't let me buy you anything or even visit you. She won't take any of my money. She won't let me be your father no matter how hard I try. I promise you, Leah, I try and try and she keeps me away. I was there when your mom had you in her womb. I took care of you two. When you were born I bought a car, an apartment, and everything a new born needed. I did everything right. I even gave your mom and me a shiny unique car that cost me thousands. 8 months down the road we are having money problems and she gets a job in another town. I gave her my car, the very last bit of my money, and sent her to go live with her mom till she had enough money to come back. She only took you with her because I was finishing up my degree in our town and could not leave with you two. That was suppose to last for only two weeks. It's been 9 months now and haven't got to see you. She found another man and claims that he is the one that actually got her pregnant. I heard he has money so I imagine that's why she married him.

Leah, your new father was no where to be found while you were in the womb and living with me. No where. This so called father didnt give one penny for your foundation of life when you were born. When you two left I battled and battled and am still battling for you. I promise I will never quit. Not even when your mom told me "she doesn't even know you".

I left our old home as I couldn't stand being there alone as all your toys were getting dustier by the day. Your empty crib, your clothes, your bottles, your blankets, your DVD's, your pictures, your scent, everything was there except you. In my new place I bought all kinds of new supplies for you and toys and put them on shelves. I got your cream, medicines, pampers, teddy bears, medical supplies, everything I thought you might need. I put them around me and battled and battled for you in hopes of being able to take care of you again. Days went by, than weeks, than months. I saw all of your things get darker and darker by the dust. Nothing had moved. Only the dust that toppled your items signifying the months that have been stolen from me. I try to explain to your mom that the time will never be given back to me. Every second, hour, day, week, and soon years that go by I will never ever get back. She allowed me to see you for 5 minutes on your birthday. I brought you some infant jewelry with your name on it. I brought your mother money, title to my car, your birth certificate, and a bunch of other documents. The whole time as I tried to spend those brief 5 minutes with you your mom kept telling me to hurry up so she can get back to your 2nd birthday party being thrown for you. I cried all the way home.

If I go force myself to see you I will be thrown in jail because I'm sure your mom will force it upon me. I go to school everyday and now working towards my bachelors degree. You are my motivation. I do not accept failure because one day I will have you back and I want you to live the best life I can give. We will make up all our time. We will go camping, to the park, the aquarium (remember when we would sit and watch my aquarium tank together and have father daughter time?), to amusement parks, everywhere and anywhere because I just want to be there for you and have a great time. I want to teach you about life and give you advice and make sure you have a strong father in your life. My dad was never there and he died recently. Your mom's dad wasnt there either. We both turned out pretty messed up but we found our ways. I just want to make sure its easier for you.

Everyday in class I zone out and think about our short memories together. I even have to get up and leave so I can go cry in the bathroom. Sometimes when I'm alone I just sit there with a blank face lost in our memories as tears fill my face and fall to the ground.. When I'm out with friends at parties, clubs, or bars (so I can try and forget) I just can't enjoy it as I get lost staring out a view or window. I ditch my friends and take walks or go sit in a corner. If you arent in my life than what's the point? Your face and memories are burned into my mind. The other day my mom came to me and said she got me a early fathers day gift. When she left I busted out in tears from the confusion. Me....a father? I had totally forgot! I began to just cry and just sit there as my night was ruined. Not even the Celtics vs Heat could cheer me up.

I forgive your mother as I'm past all that. But I understand its not easy, or isn't, for her either .I don't know, it's none of my business, but that's okay and I respect that. I just miss you , my daughter.

I'm writing this now as today was my last day of school for the semester. Throughout the whole semester I was able to keep composure as term papers, law studies, and foreign language all helped to cloud my mind and shade me from the god awful truth of my life. Now, today, I get home, teary eyed, I sit in my arm chair and ask myself.....now what?

It's a feeling only a father could understand so I don't expect everyone to understand, but I am STRONG.

 

Thank you for those words. It's good to hear them from someone else. I constantly tell myself what you are telling me but really doesn't hold any merit as it's me counseling me. But to hear it from someone else means a lot

 

Thank you for the comments everyone. Today I went to the courts and found out I can take classes for legal counseling on what to do for people in my situation. They even help you on a personal one-one-one level. I did not know the California court system offered this.

What's amazing is that it's free!
I also got the necessary paperwork needed to file for visitation and custody.

I actually feel a little better as this is a step in the right direction. Being out of school I finally am able to research and hit the courts more often.