I keep feeling like I'm going to die

I've had weird thoughts and visions that something bad will happen to me before I ever make anything of myself. I just got let go from yet another job after they were cutting people in my department left and right. It was a shitty job, but it paid my bills nonetheless. Now, I'm back at square one -- no job, bills with no way to pay for them except the money in my savings account, no significant other, living at home, no prospects...

I'm not an angry person. When told I was let go, I actually said, "Thanks for the opportunity" and humbly walked out. It was like it didn't really happen. I feel like I'm sometimes too smart for my own good and waiting for the perfect opportunity to arrive and it hasn't. I've worked dead-end jobs for the last two years, been screwed by people and now I'm at a loss.

I might just go somewhere far, far away. Bye.

 

if you could go anywhere, where would you go? if you could be anything, what would you be?

go there and do it, you have absolutely nothing tying you to where you are, go and be who you want to be. you have a bit of money, invest it into happiness.

 

I wish I had someone to talk to. All my good friends are gone and moved away.

 

[quote name='"Bluntzilla420"']

I wish I had someone to talk to. All my good friends are gone and moved away.[/quote]

I will talk to you, swat will talk to you. I don't know you but we are all perty similar and I'm a decent listener.

It is nice to be known though.

 

I'm not in panic mode, at least not yet. However, I do think I am suffering from varying levels of depression and this recent work development will only make things worse.

 

[quote name='"Bluntzilla420"']I'm not in panic mode, at least not yet. However, I do think I am suffering from varying levels of depression and this recent work development will only make things worse.[/quote]

The cure for depression is gratitude. You could be much worse off, you could be homeless and have no food or saved money. To be where you are you are truly blessed. Sit and reflect on the good things in life.
Depression is a mindset that you allow yourself to stew in, it's a constant delusion. How can monks realize the same facts about the world but instead of being depressed they are, in my opinion, the happiest and most free people to walk the earth? Freedom and happiness is found within, not from the out.

 

I understand this, I really do. I don't think being grateful and being depressed are the antithesis of one another; I just can't help the way I feel. I still think life is beautiful, don't get me wrong. It's just that my overwhelming feelings of inferiority dominate all the good vibes in my body.

I have drank alcohol probably 7 of the last 12 days, been smoking the past few days more than usual ...I just feel like a deadbeat loser with no real plan in life. I used to always like that aspect of my personality, to just go with the flow and do what feels right. But now, nothing feels really rewarding beyond my writing, which is just cathartic for me.

Damn.

 

i understand where you are coming from, i have been there and i go there. my life seems to cycle, i have these up days where i feel normal and functional and like everything is alright, then i have the days like what you speak of where i feel utterly useless, worthless and see it pointless to continue.
the only way i can pull myself out of the slump is through repeatedly informing myself of these cycles. 'you are in a down period, just last week you were on top of the world loving life, two weeks from now you will be right there, push through.' i literally repeat that to myself at least once every other week.

the more i am aware of my moods and emotions the more i can change them into what i want. the input of life is always the same, sometimes 'good' stuff happens, sometimes 'bad' stuff happens. i am constantly working on changing my output since the input remains consistent.
instead of getting distraught by these damning thoughts i keep my mind set on happiness and life instead of death and destruction.


when i was passively suicidal awhile back, i was expressing my life and distress to a friend. he said, 'it doesn't sound like you want to die, it sounds like you want to be happy but you don't see that as an option so you would prefer death to a pointless, unhappy life'. that has continued to stick with me.

i don't want death, i want happiness and fulfillment.

it has been my goal to find happiness in the smallest things since then. do what you want to do, no excuses. constantly monitor your output, because the input is always the same, up and down. find contentment in the small things that bring you joy and freedom. you will make it man, you have been down before, you have been up before, you will be down again, and you will be up again. ride the wave man, smile and enjoy it.







p.s. as a personal restriction i try and not drink or smoke away my sadness. it never works for long. drugs are amplifiers. i feel they amplify your current life mood, so if you are down drinking and smoking will make you more down. vent your stress in a healthy way and use smoking as a final unwind. go run a mile, you will feel better.

 

i'm not highly religious but i was raised with a religious background, i have the philosophical fortitude to weed out the truth from the watered down religiosity. the simplest way i can put it is,
"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2
"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8


when your mind is constantly set on death and destruction and negative all you can produce is negative. you will continue to produce negative thoughts, it is a self defeating cycle. set your mind on the things that bring you comfort, even in the slightest form. find the subtleties of life and smile. your life is good man.

what we all have in common as humans, among other things, is struggle. we all struggle. you are not alone man, press on.