I have a problem.

Discussion in 'General' started by TheHempress, Apr 24, 2003.

  1. My friend Tiff wants me to move to another state with her and her brother, David. I really want to go, but here are the conflicts with this plan:

    I met this guy named Fred online last week....we've gone on one date so far, and we're going to see a movie on Saturday. He's a nice guy, funny, and we have a lot in common. I really like him....but I can't stop thinking about David. I really like Tiff's brother...a lot.

    Here's another problem: I told myself, probably even posted it here, that I would never date another non-stoner after my last boyfriend...it caused too many problems. Fred doesn't smoke weed....David does.

    So here's the dilemma I've come to:

    Stay here and more than likely be with Fred, someone I know I have shot with....or move and try for someone there's no guarantee I'd even get? Tiff really wants me to go with them....she said I'm the only person other than David she'd want to go with her, b/c she couldn't imagine ever getting annoyed living with me (ain't that sweet?). And half of me wants to go....but what about Fred? What if me and him really hit it off? And I can't help but feel bad about thinking about David all the time....I feel like I'm being so selfish.

    Well, I just needed to get that off of my chest....if someone has any advice, I'd be happy to hear it :D
  2. Hmmmm.....

    Moving to another state is a rather huge life decision in many respects and I'm having a hard time understanding why you would base your decision on a "possible" relationship with one of two men that you aren't seriously involved with.

    I mean, you could move away and bump into the man of your dreams just out of the blue while walking down the street on a rainy day. It isn't like these are the only two men in the world. Your soulmate, or whatever you want to call him, could be in Cali and you might meet him in 3 years on the beach. Love happens randomly; it isn't planned.

    What you need to be asking yourself is whether or not you want to take a different path on your journey through life. I can understand wanting to have a relationship with someone but you can't expect to achieve happiness through another person. You have to get it on your own and then share it with another. Think about whether this move will make you happy and base your decision on that.

    Now, if all of what I just typed means nothing, then my advice is to move and go after David. He's a stoner; you're a stoner and even if you don't fall in love, you'll at least be stoned! :D
  3. Nothing else needs to be said after RMJL has spoken such good advice!

    So I agree with RMJL!
  4. I agree with RMJL, but also you have to ask yourself if you really see a future for yourself and Fred. Not do you like him. Not does he like you. Are you compatible? You already said he doesn't smoke. You need to talk to him about whether the fact you smoke will cause a problem. Also remember there are no guarantees no matter what you do. No matter how you plan, life always throws you something you didn't plan for. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't. Just something to think about.
  5. RMJL, I'm a very impulsive person....and I wanted to move out of PA anyway...Tiff just gave me an excuse.

    Let me explain it a little more clearly:

    If I do move, it won't be until the fall. I just met Fred. What I really am trying to decide, is if it's worth even beginning a relationship with Fred. Because if we got together, then we would have to break up for me to move....either that, or I'd never see one of my best friend's again. I would miss Tiff terribly. She's one of the few friends I have that I trust totally. I can't imagine her living so far away.

    Fred doesn't want me to move...I've told him about Tiff wanting me to go.

    I don't want to hurt Fred....but I would also miss Tiff and David (keep in mind, I would settle for being friends with David, he's a very cool guy, and I would miss him for that too). I have more fun just hanging out with Tiff and David in their garage doing nothing than I have going to concerts with some people. I just get along with them so well.

    Does that make more sense?
  6. RMJL gave good advice already, but I would like to add a few things.

    I think it wouldn't work with Fred, unless he would turn into a stoner too or you would turn into a straight. Real stoners like yourself are not compatible with straights. Pretty soon he would start giving you hints about cutting back on getting high and becoming more of a straight, like him, like NORMAL people. Yes, it's you who has became an unnormal weirdo stoner and Fred is good, normal person with right values. That's how straights like to see it, they are on the right path and you are on the wrong path. We have all been there at some time or another, some straight has tried to help us get back to the "right values".

    I don't know about moving with David and Tiff, hard for me to say. If you are still living home with your mom, then it might be good to get away and learn to stand on your own. Btw, didn't you get a new job recently? If you choose to go, don't count much on David and Tiff, make plans so that you could manage without their help if needed. Things happen and backup plans are always good to have.

  7. Yeah, RMJL is the man, err, woman:D.
  8. If you want to move, then move, Hempress. Go for it. It seems as though that is what you want. I'm still saying not to base your decision on a possible relationship, which seems to be the case. If you are so impulsive, then when the time to move gets here and you are in love with Fred, then be impulsive and stay there with him. Just do what's going to make you happy. You can try to avoid hurting someone but the fact of the matter is that there are going to be people in your life that you hurt in some way or another. A person shouldn't sacrifice their happiness for another persons happiness (unless they're a parent sacrificing it for their child). You are a good and caring person; that's apparent from your concern for Fred...just don't let that hold you back from doing what you really and truly want to do with your life.

    (Thanks guys...I just try to learn from my experience with life and the mistakes that I have made along the way...it's all you can do!)
  9. i think that you should either move or not move for your decision, and not just because there are guys involved. dont move and change your life for a guy, do what YOU wanna do.
  10. This question is for RMJL:

    Do you think it would work if a stoner was with a straight? I'm not talking about weekend stoners, i'm talking about everyday stoners. Can you imagine a straight being happy with a stoner who spends most of her free time stoned? And that would last for decades? I just can't see that happening.

    Yes I have been there myself, it didn't take more than couple of months before friction started.

  11. It could possibly work for some people.

    For myself, I don't believe that it could work. I've been getting high for a long time and it's part of who I am. I'd rather spend my time with stoners although I don't limit myself to them. I have really good friends who don't get high. As far as a relationship goes, though, I prefer that the person I am with be a stoner. Getting high really isn't just something that you do, it's part of a lifestyle. I really couldn't imagine chilling and spending intimate quality time with someone who may have an uptight attitude about how I live my life. It wouldn't work.

    People who don't get high normally don't want to spend intimate quality time with a stoner, either. There is usually a point where they want the stoner to change by asking them to cut down or quit entirely. If someone wants the person that they are in a relationship with to change then they don't really dig that person for who they are, and the relationship is doomed.

    So, although I think that some people can pull it off, I don't think that many could.

  12. thats a bit closed minded. i dont think that s true at all.
  13. A friend of mine is married to this chick who doesn't get high. She deals with him getting high but anytime something goes wrong then she traces it back to the fact that he was high, or he was planning to get high, or the people that he was with were high. Things can't just happen because they happen, it has to be because MaryJane is involved. Even if weed isn't involved, somehow or another it had to have been. That's no way to live life.

    I think that stoners and non-stoners can be compatible but as far as things really working out in a relationship between them, I believe it to be very rare.

    I think that AmsterdamdreamN is in a relationship where his girl doesn't get high but things seem to be very cool for them. I find that to be an exception, though.

    (Correct me if I'm wrong Amsterdam!!!)
  14. Fred and I are together..I think. But he's scaring me. I don't know what it is about me, but I can never find a happy medium. It's either the guys don't like me, or they like me too much too fast. I've only known Fred for about 2 weeks, and he almost told me he loves me last night. Almost...he caught himself, but then said he wouldn't say it until I was ready to say it....but that's almost as bad. It means he does want to say it but doesn't want to freak me out, but it does freak me out.

    And then Tiff and David met him the other day. Tiff told me something that David said about him that night....apparently David said he didn't think that Fred was good enough for me, which confused me a lot, so I asked David about it yesterday. He was actually kinda half mad at Tiff for saying anything to me, but he meant he didn't think Fred was as cool as me. But then he said something strange; he said "But I have no room to talk, I'd date anybody right now." What the hell was that supposed to mean?!

    I don't know, but I'm super confused.

    Oh, and guess what? My dad is moving back in with my mom. :twirls finger: whoopie. :rolleyes:
    The only cool thing about that is he said he'd pay for me and a friend to fly to Florida so I could drive his car back...that might be fun, at least. I think I'm gonna take Nic...we'll have an adventure.
  15. I'll translate from depressed guy speak for you because I know the language so well. David likes you, but isn't really going to say anything. He's going to see what happens to you and Fred first. Sounds like he's the kinda guy who doesn't want to get in the way of someone's relationship for his own happiness. If you like him, tell him. Also, the "I'd date anyone right now" is one of those depressed ramblings and a hint at the same time. He doesn't know how to do it the right way, but he's letting you know that if you wanted to, he would date you. He apparently has not been having much luck lately, but you don't need to take his comment the wrong way.

    If only I had someone lay it out to the girls I spoke the depressed guy code to, I would have had many more girlfriends.

  16. depends on the "straight".

    I have a couple friends who make it work... they make an excellent couple.
  17. oh and....

    well analysed IWang.
  18. Well, i know about as much about relationships as garden slugs do about rocket science, so i can't give you any valid advice on that aspect, but i couldn't imagine not being able to get stoned with someone i love, not being able to share the mindstate.

    As far as moving, if you feel stuck in PA, then get out. The only truly smart thing i've ever done is move across the country and start over with life from scratch. I saved up $1000 and packed up everything i could fit in my car, left the rest behind, and went for broke and it was the best thing i've ever done in my life. Now i live in what i consider paradise, life is easy and fun, i stay stoned all the time and am as stress free as i'v ever been. It's been a year this month since i've moved and life is great. Sometimes a change of scenery can be the best thing for ya, as well as getting out of your daily reality and trading it in for your own life, so to speak (i'm not saying you don't have your own life now, but it sounds like you're not too happy with it, like I was in florida)

    As far as David, it sounds like he really likes ya, and you know the two of you can be good friends and that's something hard to find in a relationship.

    Also, wouldn't it feel good to you to move and break the mold? There's the rest of the world out there to experience and if you live your life in one place you deny yourself the rich diversity of experience of what life has to offer. I love where i live right now, but i probably won't live here "forever" because i know there are more places and things to experience.

    You sound like you need a change in scenery tho.

    Where are you planning to move? I know ya don't wanna tell us where, but, Mountains? Beach/Ocean? Desert? Just do yourself a favor and move somewhere rural or at least to a city where you can leave the city and find nature close by.

    Tiff, Dave, and yourself should think about moving out here, the town i live in is a stoner's paradise. You can't go outside without getting stoned, the weather is beautiful, and there's no big city stuff here, it's like living in the 60's and everyone's number one priority here is being happy and mellow.

    Whatever you do, make sure it is what you think will make you happy, because if you aren't happy you can't have love for life, if you have no love for life, you can't have love for yourself because you are life, and if you can't love yourself you can't love another.

    Oh yeah, and as far as us guys are concerned, when it comes to relationships, we're mostly idiots. We can understand rocket science, qauntum physics, and all kinds of stuff, but when it comes to a relationship with females a lot of us become talking monkeys at best.

    I'd listen to RMJL tho, she speaks wisdom.
  19. I thought maybe I'd give you guys an update on this whole thing...

    Tiff and Dave have decided not to move to AZ, so I don't have to decide. Dave is getting along with his ex-wife more (they're not getting back together, he hates her), she's letting him see his daughter more, so he's staying for that.

    I did hook up with Fred...yesterday was our 1 month anniversary. I'm happy...and remember how I said him not smoking was going to be a problem? Problem solved! He likes getting high more and more everyday...he even gets hurt when I don't save him any.

    I haven't thought about Dave in that way in a while....so I'm over that crush. I'm happy with Fred...sure, he's not perfect, but he treats me like a queen. What more can I ask for?

    We had a talk today about MJ, and he told me why he likes it more now than he did when he used to smoke every once in a while with his friends...he says back then it was all about "getting high" and "fucked up", but my friends and I see it another way...we see it as a way to bond with each other and become closer every day. He said that smoking with us makes him feel like we invited him to join an exclusive club where everyone loves each other...isn't that a nice way of thinking about it? [​IMG]

  20. sounds like things are going good! :) good to hear!

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