Hello, I am new here, I hope I put the thread in the right category. Anyways, I am currently homeless and feel really depressed (not particularly from being homeless). You see, I come from a foreign country and currently reside in the US with a green card (I have all my papers). There is a lot of reasons and a lot of background story going on in order to fully understand why I have put myself in this position. But to be more efficient and to not waste your precious time in short : I moved to the US starting high school, my family (mother's side) lived back in my homeland, my mom herself is really poor and my grandma hates me because I chose to live with my dad here in the states in order for me to study and become something. I don't really have a deep relationship with my mom, I like seeing her once in a while but because she hasn't lived with me at all and she put me in her mother's care I grew up to think of my grandma as a mother. It was really crushing for me when she beat me and kicked me out when I told her I had made the decision to live in the US. After I moved here I began to attend High School and learn English. My dad as you can imagine form my grandmas's reaction was a drug user early on his life and only uses weed and cocaine occasionally, while I don't know the reason as to why since he has remarried and is living a pretty chill and happy life with 2 daughters and my stepmother. He had a rough childhood too, his dad died when he was 12 and he seems to never be able to forget it as he keeps telling me how lucky I am (which I have my doubts of). To be frank I really never felt my dad was family, as a matter of fact I feel that I am incapable of loving anyone(this I will clear up as you read), I know it sounds emo as fuck, but it really is true. I have had a girlfriend twice and I felt that I should give a try having a relationship with someone but I simply can't do it, as I said I felt nothing no emotion, nor anger, nor regret when I split up with either of them. I am not gay( just in case you might suggest that, I have no problem with gay people, and if I was I think I would like that better that feeling this alone all he time. High School was probably the most enjoyable years Ive had in this country. Don't take me wrong I think the US is a great country and enjoy being here, but to succeed here you have to be strong and reliable, which I don't think I have the qualifications to put myself in that category today. That didn't stop me at first, I got accepted in the University I wanted to attend and began my studies with pretty good grades for the first 2 or 3 semesters. This all ended when when my dad found out I wasn't saving my money to buy a car but spending it on food and computer games( yes I have a lot of problems ). He said he would send me back to my homeland and showed me a just purchased plane ticket. At this point I had to make a decision again go back or stay and work hard and keep chasing my dreams. I chose to stay and took out a credit card and rented a room for about 2 semesters more, my grades were seeing the consequences of me leaving and me not receiving any financial help. Yet I managed to keep my GPA in a good status. After the money from the credit card run out I started looking for a job closer to where I used to live as where I rented was way to far. I could find anything that was convenient to me and my studies so I started taking loans from my financial aid package. A friend hooked me up with a room at her aunts place, however at that point I started to feel the way I do today. My grades plummeted, I failed all my classes for 3 semesters in a row. I have this stupid irrational way of wasting money on stupid shit that I don't understand myself. after I could pay rent anymore, my uncle happened to call me to see where I was staying (he is very wealthy) and gave me an opportunity and payed a month in a room close by. It was around this time when I started smoking weed. I felt that I could find peace and a connection with other people with weed. I would actually care for someone and made friends (extremely rare for me, I have had a single close friend during my entire high school years). At this point shit goes wrong. As you can imagine I blew it, I happened to miscalculate my balance and ended up over drafting way too much from the bank. To the point that I could no longer do it. (this way I could pay rent, food, books, and weed) My uncle was furious with me and I apologized and tried to tell him how I felt and why I am so irresponsible. He didn't buy it and left me to live in the streets. I do not blame him at all, I think he made the best decision as I didn't deserve his help after what I did with my money. After a few weeks of mosquitos and infrequent showers my cousin called me. I called her before because I was stuck in a bus station in the middle of a storm. So she followed up and told me to pack whatever I had and let me sleep in her car. It has been 3 months now and although I feel I can manage my money better I still feel alone and incapable of caring for anyone, just stuck in a loop. I've though about suicide a lot in the last 3 years, and I think about my da d and my mom, and what they would think about me killing myself. I know I might seem like an attention seeker or maybe just a bum in general, but I hate myself for all the damage I have done to others and for ruining their trust in me. I am currently not enrolled in classes and working not for me but for my cousin who I would not dare to refuse to do what she say to me after giving me a place to sleep even though I told her what I have done in the past to other people. She has been really frustrated with me lately because I use marijuana but can't quit. She thinks that is a waste of money and that I should be focusing on getting money for a car of my own. But I cant just simply quit it, I feel like I need it, maybe I'm addicted. Maybe not but she dent think of it the way I do. She screams at me in frustration and yesterday she tried to take it away from me and I chose to sleep outside rather than giving it to her. I am writing this hoping that she will let me sleep inside today, but as you can see the story is repeating itself. I am going to be thrown out again and have no more options left. It is just a matter of time, I have made the decision that once stop being scared of being dead I would do it, and I feel like that everyday passing makes me more brave and killing myself seems a lot more attractive that keep living this way. Any thoughts are appreciated, I know my grammar is probably awful I am sorry. This isn't a cry for help is more of a way for me to understand what is going on with me through other people and perhaps think it through and keep on fighting alive. I wish you all those who took the time to read my thoughts a beautiful life
thats a long read so i may of missed some details but it sounds like your problems is mostly just budgeting. your school should have some program that can work with you and help you come up with a living budget on top of that this site may help a little bit Free online budgeting and goal tracking tools | Online Budget Advisor. and yes stop buying weed. when you're living on the streets or someone's couch and your overdrawing accounts and still buying weed you need to STOP buying weed. it's a luxury not a necessity. stick to the necessities and save any extra money you get until you're in the positive on money again. that means no videogames no weed nothing you don't actually need. weed is not the root of your problems but it is definitely not helping you at all in your current situation. it would also be good to look into any programs in your area for therapy. originally i had a therapist through my college. later i was able to see therapist again for free through a state funded program.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I understand and will try my best while I still have time
you might also try personal finance • r/personalfinance lot of good information through them. idk if you are on a visa or anything... but if you can it might be worth dropping out of university for now and focusing and making and saving as much money as possible. keep at it. it might be dire now but you can definitely pull yourself back up.
Its a scam, they force you into thinking you need a degree to become something. Im sure thats why you went. And look where it got you: homeless. College is your problem, not weed.
My friend who is a pastor, told me a remarkable story one time about suffering. Basically, he traveled to this country, I forget the name admittedly, but in the country, the government had come in with their army and forced all the people out of their homes and so, now all the people literally live in a dump that resides outside of the city; they have houses made out of garbage and so my friend and a bunch of worshippers, went there and helped them build a church out of garbage. This story always stuck with me, because he would always talk about how happy these people were; they were the happiest people he had ever met in his life, yet possessed the least amount of stuff and had no reason to be happy.. These people were like sponges, ready to receive any type of knowledge or skill that my pastor's companions would bestow upon them.. They never fought or argued with each other, just helped each other improve their situation as much as possible. The point, is that even though suffering sucks, it does better us.. Suffering makes us better. We are sick, here. We have a sickness, rooted in the politics of our society and suffering gives us a breath of fresh air.. But some people are scared to be away from this sickness, they do not understand that suffering makes them better, but instead believe they are worse for wear, when they suffer. I was homeless at one time too, but I learned to enjoy my suffering and eventually, I learned to seek suffering and this was how I knew, when my pastor had told me this story, that it wasn't bullshit, but the truth. Suffering is not a bad thing.. You need to suffer and all of these people who try to protect you from your suffering, they are not doing you any favors, because they themselves are sick and they are pushing their sickness onto you. Just suffer man. Revel in it. Enjoy it. Implement suffering into your every day life and learn to live with it and if you can do that, this sickness that is in you, will eventually go away.