...and i cant figure out why. ive had a long history of depressive behavior. but this shit sucks. at the prestent moment im sitting in the lobby of a decent hotel in MN. i figured that since im from the ass-crack of america (south dakota) that id have a fun time in the Cities. this, as it turns out, is not so. i feel like im at the bottom of a dried-up well and im watching the last pale of water be, slowly, pulled to the surface nover to be drunk from by me again. i dont know where this is coming from. i have a great job...well, thats about it. all my friends are off to college, one of them isnt too far away so i can still see him reletivly often. that will be hard though with his and my work schedual and hes also got classes to be on time for. i know where i am. im in a waiting room. one gigantic waiting room with a ticket reading 654132168416841651681651681646846516818487984. i hear a woman at the front desk call out "now serving 12!" thsi is unbearable, i do, though, keep hope alive for sweet release. when it will come, i cannot say. all i know is that this is a horrible bunk to be in. i want to cry, no bullshit, but im too numb. all i can do is sit and exhale deeply, painfully. this isnt just boredom, i can deal with that, in fact, i usually never have to. i will either pick up a book and delve into thougt, play guitar, etc. i used to feel severly socially inept. this was due to the fact that i never left my home at night in my younger teens. i hardly do today. and i still am kinda fucked up when it comes to people. dig this; i was shadowing one of the agents at my place of work (a call center for AT&T) learning the trade, listneing to Taylor (name of agent, and a pretty cool chick to boot) take calls. we talked about weed, weed busts, fucked around on the computer. at one point she looked down and noticed that the Etnies symbol on my center shoe lace was offset. she reached down and centered it, made it as it should be. as she did this, i became someone uncomfortable, but at the same time i was in desbelief that she touched me (this sounds incredibly awkward, i know, and i felt awkward as hell). i was thankful to her, not for correcting my shoe's imperfection, but for making physical contact with me. it happens anytime i make contact with someone, aside from family; my family never neglected me. but it was i who was estranged from everyone else. i remember a simliar instance where i was at one of the few parites i ever went to and a girl who i knew somewhat came up to me and gave me a hug upon her departure. i was freaking out inside. i was thinkning to myself "this is what it feels like to be connected", "this is what the rest of them feel", and "WHY THE FUCK CANT I FEEL LIKE THIS MORE OFTEN". i yearn for a connection. i live inside my head so much, a mayor has since been declared. ever heard that smach hit by John Thouroughgood "I Drink Alone" well, if he was a pot head instead of an alcoholic, that would be my themesong. theres no one to smoke with anymore. its all solitary. and its bad news when my conciousness is opened up and all i can think about while high is how alone i am. im done.
Hey man, Glad to see you opening up. I have a similar thing going on... I've become an alcoholic, and I'm not myself anymore. Things are just so bad, but hang in there. Remember, if you're at your bottom, the only way to go is up! Don't worry for too long, things get worse.
Ye, I know the feeling, I'm around people all day yet I'm pretty starved of physical contact without a girlfriend. Which is why I just started contacting like 5+ girls I know on face book last night seeing if they want to chill.
i am in the same place at college. i was great back home at community college. working a job, chillen with best friends. but now i move 5 hours away from home to go to school and its all solitary. i have my "friends" but they arnt the close brother family like best friends back home. they are just really chill kids. but i look for more. so i feel alone without those family like friends alone. thankfully i will be seeing them this upcomming weekend. dammnit!!!! now im a depressed and shit.
I know where you are coming from. I am a lot like you. However, I have gotten a lot better and learned a lot more thanks to my friends and the ganja. For the longest time I struggled with myself to become confident and more social. I had no idea why I was just not very good with people. Then I realized something that happened to me as a child affected me profoundly, so much to the point where I have been living with a fear my whole life. After I realized what happened, I told myself that it is this fear that has been eating me up my whole life and has been preventing me from being myself around other people, and that I should not have to carry this fear anymore. It was keeping me back from being me. So I've been trying to fight this fear and I have done a great job. I've learned so much about myself this past year. I've realized I should never have to be afraid of being myself around people, and that is not having a fear of being social and standing up for myself when I feel I have to. So, think back to when you were really young. Have you ever felt like this when you were younger? If so, when did it start, and what do you think caused it? It is really important to know where this fear you have comes from so you can learn not to mask it and hold it deep down inside, but to actually face it and learn to overcome it.
No, absolutely NOT. You have to find completion and then companionship. If you go the other way around, that 'completion' will only be temporary. Once it's taken away from you, you're right back at square one, and probably worse off than before.
^^^its so true. To the O.P, I can't say I know exactly what that feels like but I've been in a similar place. Im still not that comfortable being around large groups of people, suffice to say that I have very few people I know whom I consider "true friends". One thign Ive learned is that fi you dont at least tory to break out fo a shell you'll still be stuck in the same place. Take baby steps right now, maybe ask someone if theyd like to go out and have coffe or luch sometime, and build it form there. I know the first few times can be nerve wracking, but in time it will get better, you just have to give it your best shot, and dont worry so much about rejectin,, usre it might happen, but It might not, at least you gave it a try, insted og not doing anything. Good luck.
im so sorry man being depressed is bad i know what you are talking about that "numb" feeling where you cant move cant speak you cant do anything maybe you should see a therapist or take up a new hobby just never think that you are alone, people do care about you and i bet you are a cool dude never think badly about yourself because then that projects that image to other people and remember always have confidence in yourself life is way too short to be sad you will be alright man try to stay positive good luck
when im not high im depressed. been that way always. but if i go a half day without a smoke im fine and not depressed. i just keep smokin, it helps in the best way possible.
this is true. it's not cowardly to accept help sometimes. depression is a shitty thing, and no one should have to be put through it
Yeah, dude...+rep. Seriously. You hit the nail on the fucking head right there. I went through exactly what you just said.
i think i have become pretty severyly depressed. i just dont care anymore. all i do is chill in my dorm room and blaze. i can go out all the time with buddies, but ill say i will call them but i just dont feel like seeing people at times. so i never call them. and they never call to see what the deal is so it makes me think they dont give a shit, which i think is just the weed making me paranoid. but this whole going away to college thing is kinda rough. its deffinetly changing me. i just hope not for the worse.
Sounds like you are just adjusting to change. Change is hard but the adjusting is what makes us stronger.
Man, I know exactly how you feel. It sucks. No matter how hard I try it seems like I'm invisibile to the world most of the time..
Wow all i can say is +rep and damn. You my friend have hit the nail on the head there, damn that was good.. -Dave
i know exactly how you feel about touching people its extremely awkward for me to initiate contact with someone but once its done its great. the only problem is its to awkward to do it so i dont. and all of my friends are off to college to and im at home going to community college to eventually transfer to another school i dont want to go to and then to a career i dont want. only problem is im stuck to this path until i find a new one and i havent and its not looking good. it makes me feel like my life has no point, like im living for no reason stuck waiting for something to come along that i would like to do with my life but i have no idea what it would be. its not a good place to be in. i either have to make myself beleive that i want to go to college and that i want a degree and a career or i need to drop it all and go work like fast food or something which i dont want either. so yeah i know where your at and all i can say to help you out is find small things that make you happy and once you have that little bit of joy in you try to keep it as long as possible and dont worry about the rest for a while