I don't understand what's going on

Hello all, I have lurked on this site for years reading questions about people's problems/how tos when it comes to smoking. But today I made an account to create this post. I really need some insight as to what is going on and would love for the community to help me out any way they know how. So here goes:


I started smoking weed when I was a sophomore(2010) in high school, I am now 21 I graduated in 2012. During high school I wasn't really a persistent smoker only about once or twice a month. My senior year I started to pick it up a little more and was at about once per week. I ended up damaging my spine in 2012 lifting something at work to where my vertebra at my L5-S1 is slipped forward pushing onto the disc underneath it. So my marijuana use increased to daily about 2013ish. I recently stopped somewhere in the beginning of April (I know should've had one last hoorah on 4/20) but I needed to stop because of how much it cost me in the long run, and the fact that the girl I'm trying to be with doesn't want to date a pothead. I love her so much but everything little thing I do pisses her off. She keeps saying how when I had smoked I was this calm that could weather the storm and I knew her so well. Now all she says is that I no longer know her or what she needs, and I am continuously pissing her off with something I do. She thinks I don't listen to her because my memory has gotten so bad to where I can't remember a conversation that was said 15 minutes prior. She understands that my memory is an issue, but think I am using it as a crutch for basically being a selfish asshole. Certain things I do make it seem as though I'm not empathetic have or sympathetic towards others situations, when that's far from the case. I am not thinking when things are said/done because I cannot remember that it is going to be an issue. Before I started smoking at all I wasn't an asshole(just to clarify that I'm really not an asshole). I've had trouble in life but they've made me a better person not brought me down. Now since I stopped smoking it seems like I'm becoming a sociopath or psychopath or something along the lines of that because when I try and rectify a situation that has happened, it's okay, then the same shit keeps happening to where I am made out to look like an asshole and it hurts because it's not who I'm trying to be. I'm dealing with a lot of pain so I chalked it up to the memory and that, but it seems deeper than just that. I am having a surgery on my back Nov 8th to fix the problem, but idk what will happen to my personality after that.

I'm hoping that some of you will have insight as to what is happening to me and how I can get back to where I was before I started smoking, or even during smoking the person that I was. I miss being that person and I feel like my life is declining quicker than I can handle and I don't want to end up alone and depressed because I've had issues with depression and anxiety even before I started smoking, and they are not fun.

Please let me know your thoughts on this topic and thank you for taking the time to read it.

 

I know smoking again would help me but I don't want that to be a crutch for what is happening in my life. She is bipolar so I knew what I was getting into when I started moving things forward with her, but then again maybe the weed version of me thought I could handle it, but I really do feel like it is me and I have changed, but I don't know if it is a permanent change or just a temporary one because I stopped less than 5 months ago. What I do know is that little things that I do that she claims the high version of me wouldn't do make her shut down. It just makes it that much harder because it's long distance. I live in NY and she lives in Cali, so it's not easy to deal with sometimes because I can't be there. I just finished an 11 day vacation(was supposed to be 10 but I missed my flight) where I had promised we would get all this shit done, and we didn't get ANYTHING done. I literally mean anything bro. It turned into me getting bitched at for not doing shit that I promised, so when I felt bad that I hadn't followed through with what I promised, I started to get the drive to do those things, like clearing out this one room and finding a new place to live for her, but by that point she was so pissed off with me that she shut down, so I have the drive and will to do it, but I've forced her not to. I love the crap out for his girl but my actions aren't showing it and I'm not trying to have that happen because I want to work things out and be with her. Over the past week or so she has been telling me that we don't work out and she's done, but I keep trying to make it work, it's been a few months of this going on and she's given up now. I don't like who I'm becoming and I don't want to be this person but i don't know what else to do besides smoke, which like I said costs too much and then I really won't have her. She's 16 years older than me she so she's dealt with a lot more shit and has a daughter too, but about a year after my injury I've also had problems keeping it up, so I thought stopping weed would help that too because large concentrations of weed produce an estrogen like effect in your body, so now I know it's the injury because it happens with anybody not just her. I keep asking for more time but it's time she's not willing to give and I'm not willing to let go. I think she's already fallen out of love with me and just doesn't give a shit about me anymore and idk what to do man not trying to be like "woe is me" but wtf I mean come on

 

The problem with the surgery is that I'm going to be recovering for around 4-6 months. I will be bed ridden for about 4-6 weeks so the pain meds they are going to give me are going to basically make it to where I'm knocked in and out of sleep all of the time. I don't know how she would react but as I was posting this thread there was about a 10 minute silence and she just said she was gonna go. She told me yesterday that we're not going anywhere but she can't stop talking to me altogether because that would kill her inside. If she seems to care so much why won't she be willing to see how I am after the surgery? I kept asking for more time and I think it was like the boy crying wolf because I don't think much has changed about me, although it has gotten better. So now she's saying there is no more time and giving up. I know it sucks and I'm probably just gonna have to get over it, but the only reason I'm having this surgery and getting back on my medication like aderall is because she was giving me the drive to do so. I'm confused because this is not how I was before I started smoking, but it is how I am now, and it's very frustrating.

 

The problem burger is that it is affecting all areas of my life. She is just my main concern right now. I work at Chipotle and when the team views someone as a low performer, they fire them. I was viewed as a low performer but I opened up about everything like stopping smoking and having all this pain rush in at once and they realized that I'm not a low performer but I'm having a rough time, so I didn't get fired. I haven't had more than a ten cent raise in the past year, and it doesn't seem like I am going to be getting one any time soon. Reviews are sometime in September but I am not hopeful on a good raise based on what I was being told. So on top of working things out with this girl, I'm having trouble in other aspects of life as well, so I know it's me, although I also know it's not all me when it comes to her. She is partly to blame for how I am acting because of course any person would start to become more vindictive and frustrated all the time when they're being told they are fucking up for months on end and can't seem to fix it.

 

I started smoking when I was 16 really started daily when I was like 19

 

I mentioned I have a problem keeping it up. I met a few girls who would have been awesome to be with but the fact that I'm only 21 and have this problem makes it that much harder to date when I already have problems talking to girls cause I have social anxiety. I appreciate all the advice but I don't like how I've changed and I want to get back to how I was before.

 

I don't want to be a teenager again but my personality shouldn't have flipped a 180 on this its just frustrating me so much because this is not who I am. I know a lot has to do with it killing my short term memory and using it as a medicine to mask the pain but I don't feel like I'm in my own body if that makes sense. I'm not a decent person by anyone standards anymore, and I feel like I've failed myself and those around me

 

Dedicated2urlove it's not as easy as just starting to smoke again and dumping my gf, I love her and I want to try anything I possibly can to make it work. I realize it may not work out but I'm giving it my all to make myself better so that there's a chance we can get to how I was when I was smoking. The problem is I met her when I was an avid smoker and that's the person she fell in love with.

Reod12x2 I wish I could work at a factory job man my back won't allow me to do much strenuous activity or lift anything over like 30 pounds without it hurting. I never went to college after high school because I was too anxious about being like 80,000 in debt. I didn't want to go to community but now that in older I realize if I want to make anywhere decent money I'm going to need to go to school. I passed high school with a Regents diploma, which is recognized across the country. My SAT scores are like 1500 and I could get into a college, but I did get stuck in a pit years ago, and after meeting this girl I felt like I was getting out of that pit because she was giving me so much drive to work on bettering myself. Now I feel like the pit has been dug deeper and I'm in more pain emotionally and physically than ever before and I'm struggling to dig myself out.

Herbanlegendz cool name btw nice play on words.
I was asking for more time for the past couple months hoping that i would be getting back to how I was before, but apparently nothing has changed even though I feel like I have been improving, even if very slowly. Now it is just tipoff much to ask to b given more time because it's like the no who cried wolf. I kept saying I would get back to that just give me more time, and she told me yesterday that we were done and time had run out. I want to cave so bad and start smoking again but I know if I want a halfway decent job I need to be able to piss clean. If things can't work themselves out or I can't work them out, I think I am going to cave and start smoking again, I want to go to school and do something related with space, but if I do anything that's physics related I'm either working at NASA or I'll be a teacher. Idk what it is specifically that I want to do but i know it involves space it's such a topic that I've spent many nights high just reading articles and watching tv shows and movies on everything related to space that I know it's what I want to do with life. But as of right now my life see stone on hold because of this surgery putting me out. I cannot quit my job because I need to be able to collect short term disability, but I am not currently happy where I am. I haven't had a good raise in almost a year, and the position I was working 8 months on to train got taken out from under my feet so I'm very resentful of the company and my managers, beachside managed before and I know what it takes. I also want to stay with them when I'm done recovering because of the tuition reimbursement they offer like 5,xxx dollars a year to students working, so that will help get my foot in the door and then maybe while I'm working on basic classes for something astro I'll figure out what I want to do





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Well the problem is I never used to be like this I don't know where in between me smoking and not smoking I changed into an asshole, but she doesn't drink or take any drugs that aren't prescribed for medical issues. And I totally get that I'm young and will get over her and meet other people but I guess I wasn't ready to let go of anything because she started helping me get out of the pit I was in. That's the whole reason I made this topic because I need to have insight like yours and everyone else's. I appreciate you saying that I just hate that I can't be who I really want to be. I don't like how I act sometimes, I correct people all the time(which I can thank my father for) he's so politically correct he always shoved it down my throat. And I guess I'm just not used to being the person that I am now but it doesn't feel good.


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