I cant smoke anymore and its depressing the shit out of me.

This might be kind of long and ranty but please take the time read because this is killing me.
I'm 18, almost 19. I started smoking on a daily basis when I was 15. I mean, I was always stoned. I never smoked too much but it got to the point where I could smoke an eighth a day easy.
So a little under a year ago, around the time of my eighteenth birthday, I started drinking, a lot. I hate this fact but that's just how it is. I don't know why. I realized I really liked being drunk and alcohol kind of replaced pot for me. I still smoked every day, but not nearly as much. I went through this drinking binge for about 2 months, drinking every day.
I started to feel really low around that time because I'd lost my job and wasn't doing anything with my life.
Then it happened. (sorry for the antics, habit) Me and my mother spent a wonderful day together, and on the drive back home, she asked me, "Do you ever think about death?"
I'd never had a problem with death, me and my mother are both athiest, and I've always accepted the fact that when I die (not knocking anybody else's beliefs, this is just mine) it'll be an eternal oblivion. But for some reason that day, the fact that my wonderful beautiful mother was thinking about death, and how lonely it is, put me in a really weird mood.
When we got home I smoked, just like any other smoke session, and had my first panic attack ever. I legitimately believed gravity was about to stop, I could feel it, and that I would fall and fall off the face of the earth. After I calmed myself, I started obsessing over death. For the first time since I was a little I was terrified of dying.
I proceeded to have the shittiest three weeks of my life. Death literally consumed my thoughts. I'd never felt so empty. I remember thinking it was the first time I'd ever actually experienced depression, and that it would never go away, wondering how long I could go like that before I'd kill myself.
Things got better, but since then, that one smoke session, I've had terrible anxiety.
When I smoke now, seven or eight months later, I feel like my throat is closing up and I can't breathe. My heart races. I get dizzy. It still happens when I'm sober, but it's almost guaranteed I'll have some type of anxiety attack if I smoke pot.
I tell myself it's all in my head, I know that it is, but it doesn't make the feeling go away. I still smoke about once or twice a week, and don't get me wrong; sometimes I still have really great highs. That's why I keep trying to get high. But 9/10 times I'll at least have some kind of discomfort.
I hate this so much. I've been abusing drugs I never would have dreamed of using a year ago, to deal with the anxiety. Pills, mainly.. Drinking more than ever.
I don't understand why weed makes the anxiety worse.
I really don't mean to be dramatic, honest, I just really really really love pot, my smoking days were the best of my life, and it drives me nuts that I can't enjoy it anymore. I miss it so much.
I guess I want to know if anyone's been through this, if anyone has suggestions as to what's causing it or how to solve it, or if it's just a lost cause at this point and I should give up on pot. I'm at a loss. Thank you so much for reading this long ass post.

 

The thing is I've heard time and time again of people using pot to TREAT anxiety, I just don't understand why is doesn't do that for me yknow?


Sent from my iPhone using Grassc

 

[quote name="shaddytheman" post="18882558" timestamp="1382734435"]Indica strains (anything with Kush along with others) can relieve the effect of anxiety since it shuts down the brain and specializes in the body. The reason you're overanalyzing about the concept about the death is that your high was trigged from the amygdala (deals with emotions and the it's side effect such as: paranoia, anxiety, fear, being terrified, sadness and other emotional responses) so the notion you developed was based on a illogical fear.Are you really scared of death or scared that they won't be nobody to comfort you and provide the solace and compassion in times of distress? Scared that the cause of your death might be painful? There's nothing really scary about death but how the person thinks they're going to die. Think of it like this -- you will be in a unconscious state where the body will shut down for eternal rest, so literally you won't be dealing with the hardships of life, the troubles and difficulties of growing up and the realization that the world will never change, and the despicable nature of shitty human beings anymore because you will be resting and all the stress that was buildup during your alive existence would be gone for good. Why kill yourself if haven't really lived? Are there some things on your bucket list that you want to fulfill? Questions that never seem to get answered? Life is a mystery and it's your goal to find that destined path to happiness.[/quote]I know what you're saying about death, and how it's not scary, because that's how I used to feel. I like your outlook and which I could feel the same. I guess what I'm most scared of is dying soon, young, without having experienced life at all.. And just the concept of death. It makes me feel that life is completely meaningless since you won't even be able to remember it. Even if you do something great that affects a bunch of people, they're all gonna die too, so everything is just really pointless and life is so bizarre and I don't like thinking about it because I hate to feel like I'm not in control. And weed makes me think about this, when I'm alone. Last night I smoked A LOT and it was going well, until I started to feel like my throat was closing up and I couldn't breathe (this happens EVERY TIME I smok now) and that led me to panicking that I had throat cancer which gave me anxiety which made me feel like shit which made me think I was going to have a heart attack or something.. Ugh I hate that feeling so much. I guess if I really accept death I won't worry about that kind of stuff. I guess most forms of anxiety stem from some fear of death in a way.