I am in love again.

for the second time in my life, i am finally able to admit that i am in love.

let me start off with sophomore year in high school; i was in my first serious relationship and things were starting to go down hill. very first day of french class, i walk into the classroom and look over to see the most beautiful girl i've ever seen in my life. hands down. no exceptions. when i saw this girl i was almost in shock. i couldn't help but admire her from a distance across the class room. i'd never before seen such a gorgeous human being.

so after a few months from then my current girlfriend and i broke up and i was feeling very shitty about it for like a month. doing nothing but moping around the house, cutting class, smoking tons of weed, etc. i finally built up the courage to talk to her, and we came to be good friends. she hung out with some of the people i hung out with and it ended up being a group thing most of the time. i REALLY liked her back then. i was sure that i would do whatever it took to try and get into a relationship with her.

i don't know what happened but after a while things just kind of died out. we still talked every now and then, but nothing like our old friendship. it was obvious that we had a small thing for a good week or so, and that just died down. so about 2 months go by and she gets into a relationship with this dude from my p.e. class.

now about two and a half years have passed, she's been in a relationship with him and apparently a month or two ago they finally broke up. so i'm pretty sure that was her first REAL relationship where she's actually serious about it and in love. like four days ago i decided to try to start talking to her again. i'd practically waited this whole 2 years to try and talk to her.

she was very very happy to hear from me when i called her, we caught up on a lot of things. had a good 30 minute conversation about what's been going on in life and stuff. out of nowhere she asked if i had plans the next day, and i said nope. she asked if i wanted to hang out and we made plans to go into the city and bring my guitar and just hang out for a while.

i was so fucking happy when this happened, i couldn't believe she'd want to hang out finally after so long. i was so excited to finally see her. so much has changed since i last saw her. i finally had a car and this wasn't normal since back when we used to hang out we had to walk everywhere.

i cleaned the shit out of my car, inside and out. took it through a wash, polished it, vacuumed the inside and washed everything. i made sure i was squeaky clean, i shaved, made everything as top notch as it could be. i wanted to make the best impression possible.

the moment finally came when i was waiting outside of her house and she came out, looking more beautiful than i'd ever seen before. i was stunned. she got in the car and we hugged and caught up on a bunch of things. it was SO trippy knowing that she was in the passenger seat of my car, ready to go do something with me, when she could be out doing something with anyone else. i was pumped.

then about like 15 minutes in, on the ride to the beach, she told me about how her and her boyfriend are still together. OUCH. she said they broke up but are still kind of together. at a stage where things are just working themselves out. i don't know. so right then and there i knew i was fucked. i knew she only saw me as a friend and nothing more. and i could tell she wasn't telling me this about her bf because she wanted me to know, it was just something that came out of her mouth. she is a very spontaneous girl. she will say whatever she's thinking without really giving a shit about who hears it or how anyone feels about it. which is what i love about her.

but anyways i felt pretty shitty after that moment. all this time waiting and now i find out it's gonna be a long wait again. but i kind of just moved it passed me and went along with things. we got to the beach and brought my guitar, sat on a log and i just played all sorts of songs she loves, and she was singing them. i sang with her in some songs too. we decided next time we're gonna record a track. but anyways, we had a chill time there, still catching up and talking about things in life.

it got dark and cold so we decided to leave, i thought she was gonna request for a ride home but when we got to the car we just sat there and tried to decide what to do. normally when i'm with my friends and we're sitting in my car somewhere, i won't start it up until i know exactly where i'm going and when i'm going there. i'm real up tight about gas, gotta be saving money. but anyways she said "let's just drive," and something came over me and i didn't give a shit about gas right then and there. so i started the car and just started driving. we were just cruising through the city with the windows down and the sun roof open, listening to our favorite tunes that we listened to back in high school. it was one of the best drives i've had in a long long time.

we got kinda lost but didn't really care. that was kind of what we were intending on. we stopped at all sorts of places asking people how to get to twin peaks, a really high mountain that people drive up to to see the view of the whole city. no one gave us proper directions but it was fun just kind of running around town asking random people for directions. she really brought out a side in me that i hadn't seen before. i didn't give a shit what we were doing, all that mattered was that i was with her.

we finally came to twin peaks road, and decided to go up it, and found the view point. we got to the telescope things outside, and it was super cold. i saw a lot of couples up there just kissing and holding each other. i thought to myself, "fuck, i'm with her here and now, and she's not my girlfriend." we got back in the car cause it was cold and dark as shit. i assumed we were gonna leave but she just started talking about random things that i usually talk about with my friends. as we were looking over the city she said "isn't it weird how every single light you see down there has a small story behind it?" we talked about all sorts of things from there. she told me all about her parents and how they divorced when she was small. by the way, she was born in chicago and moved here in like 3rd grade, which is fucking weird cause my dad also lives in chicago and i lived out there in 2nd grade. we talked about how trippy that was. we basically had the same story growing up. i told her about my life and how it came to be, and she seemed real interested. it was a very good feeling to talk to her about all of this. i'd never felt so secure and happy with where i was. right then and there i realized that i was in love with her.

we stayed there for about three and a half hours, by the time we left it was empty as fuck up there. and it was about an hour passed when we were supposed to leave, but she didn't really care. i started driving home and we continued our talk about life and our beliefs on life's origin and all that deep stuff. we got back to her house and hugged and she said we should definitely hang out again soon. she told me to call her soon and got out the car and the night was over.

i was so happy yet so let down by the time i was driving home. i kept thinking "what a fucking shame."

i went over my friends house to smoke a late night blunt, and we talked all about it. right in the middle of our conversation she texted me and said "Hey thanks for hanging out with me. I had fun and you actually helped me with some issues i've been having haha because everything we talked about caused me to answer some questions i've been asking myself. So thanks"

and when i got that i was super happy. i was thinking "awesome, so there WAS a good connection there, and it wasn't just me who noticed." which is true.

now i just don't know what to do. ever since that night (it was like 2 days ago) i've been obsessing about it in my head. over and over and over her face keeps showing up in my mind, it's fucking insane. this is how i know i am in love. i have only felt true love once in my life, and i know what it felt like.

this one was different though, of course. i have such a devine and pure love for her, it's so fucking crazy. i can't get over it. i know i'm in the friend zone but still i know that i made an impact on her. i really felt such a good connection between us when we were in the car talking. everything was so right. oh, if only. i would do anything for that girl.

yeah so the reason i come here and post this is because i am desperately in need of some advice. i don't know what to do. of course an option is to just give up and not try anymore, but honestly that's just nearly impossible in this situation. i can't. i simply can't because i just felt something too strong to let go. i have to see her again. i have to take her somewhere nice again.

i just don't know what's up with her and her boyfriend. she said it herself that they're practically still together. so i'm not gonna go telling myself that there's a possibility of them breaking up any time soon. i'm just utterly confused and cannot just sit here and let that night fade away.

 

LOL^ i appreciate the effort

 

lol no. hahah. that's from the movie.

which actually really reminds me of her whenever i watch it. which kind of explains my obsession for the movie.

yeah it does sound like puppy love. but i feel like i provided something for her that her boyfriend never did. she seemed real happy to let out some of the things she talked about with me. i don't know why she couldn't share those things with him but i'm almost positive i'm the first person she's told all of these things to. which is what gives me at least some confidence in her.

 

lol. yeah my bad i didn't see that you edited it til i quoted.

 

yeah you're right. but still it's no matter of "putting the mac down" man, i really truly LOVE this girl. no matter how many sweet things i say, that's not really gonna help. i feel like if i say too many things that are intended to get with her it'll ruin what we already have.

 

well.. she's not technically "stringing him along", i don't even know what happened between the two. i don't know who broke up with who or how it happened. so i don't know if what's happening between them is "fair" or not, but even if it's not i can't really try to butt into it.

think about it, if i just said "I LOVE YOU" and told her everything i want to tell her right now, that would probably ruin things between us and make things more complicated for her. i wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on her. the way i see it she's still with him and if i told her i loved her it would just fuck everything up..

 

yeah i guess that's the only thing i can do if i don't want to fuck things up.

she definitely had a great time as well as me too. and she told me that she enjoyed hanging out with me and that she wants to more. so i don't see what would be wrong with me telling her the same.

 

yeah you're right. i get where you're coming from. big risks equal big rewards.

but still, i feel that this situation is too delicate to handle that way. i really don't want to risk everything that happened that night by ruining things and saying that i love her. if i told her that and she was planning on staying with her boyfriend, things would just be awful.

that night we had together wouldn't mean as much to her as it still does. i'm pretty sure that would cancel everything positive she thought about me that day out.

 

dude, whaaaat?

yeah you're right man. i gotta hang out with her and show her things that he can't. that's basically what i'm thinking happened the other night. she wouldn't have had so much fun if she'd been doing stuff like this with her boyfriend.

i really really hope i can get her to see that we're perfect for each other.. cause we really are.

and if that's the truth then i suppose things should unfold themselves.

i just have to do whatever is possible to keep showing her a good time i guess.

 

^ yeah i hope so. if all goes well she will see that i'm better for her.. i hope..

yeah i just don't want to leap into some big risk that could ruin everything.