* WARNING: This will be a fairly long and deep post. I really hope some of you will take time to read this and help me out. I don't think it's necessarily depressing, but it is deep. I don't have anyone I'm willing to talk to about this in person. I will use the anonymity of the internet to help me talk about a few things... "I can't escape myself So many times I've lied But there's still rage inside Somebody get me through this nightmare I can't control myself So what if you can see the darkest side of me No one will ever change this animal I have become" - Three Days Grace To start my story, I'd like to begin at the first time I ever felt a... split in my personality. Ever sense I was really little (the 5th grade is when I know I felt the split) I knew I could never show my full potential/intelegance/rage. When I tried, I'd be looked down upon by my peers and my teachers. I was in a private school at the time to toughen me up, s I was bullied in public school. But as I grew in strength, so did my feeling of superiority. This feeling frightened me at first. Why did I feel different than everyone else? Why couldn't other people do what I did? What was wrong with me? These thoughts would continually float around in my head. Eventually I came to the conclusion that there was basically two sides to my personality, the animal and the saint (I'll discuss the difference soon). These two sides would constantly conflict over almost everything I did. The saint side of me has controlled my life from 5th grade up till now (2nd year of college). I fit in with everyone, I have rediculous self control, and I refused to harm anyone. I'd help people even when I knew it would hurt me in the long run. It never fully controlled me, the animal was still there, but he was suppressed constantly. The animal side of me is probably not what everyone is thinking. It's not a midless brute that wants to trample over others or destroy others. It has the mindset that I can do whatever I want, because I know I have the ability. THIS IS IMPORTANT! I knew I could do whatever I wanted, and this knowlage would alianate me from other people because I'd work so hard at my goals no one could keep up, nor did I have time for other poelpe. They all seemed like a waist if they couldn't keep up. The animal side of me saved my life. When I was 16, I was horribly depressed. I had factured my left foot from running cross country too much. I got this injury because I'd always run extra, even more than my team. I was one of our best runners. But after that I was forced to quit. I lost most of my XC friends, and slowly began to stop eating. I wanted to kill myself, and I wanted to prove to myself I could deprive myself of a basic need. I ended up at 108 pounds before my parents sent me to the hospital. 108 pounds at a height of 5'9'' put me very VERY near deaths door. My self control, the animal, enabled me to do this to myself. My tendons were deteriorating and my organs were shutting down. I was put on an excersise program to slowly regain my tendons because they had deteriorated so much. The animal, after almost killing me, would lead me to a live I'd never thought I could have. After my stay at the hospital, excersise and school became my entire life. I was always an honors student at school, but never really tried. Now, I actually tried and got straight A's and got myself into Georgia Tech. I also slowly brought my weight up from 108 to 160. It was at this point I found a girl that I would be with for 2 years. The girl, whos name will not be mentioned, was my world. She slowly brought back out the saint in me and hid the animal. She new the animal was there, always trying to poke it's head out for control. I was in love with her, but at the same time I was still improving myself. I kept getting bigger and smarter in college. I'm on the Dean's list here at tech, which is very difficult, and I now weight about 200 pounds. I have been asked to compete in many bodybuilding and powerlifting competitions. I've also been asked to work for a number of companies. But my girl stayed the same. She lacked my drive. Her lacking my drive had bugged me for about six months before she finally wanted me to slow down. She wanted to hold me back before I became so smart that I would completely outshine her. Unfortunately, she was absolutely right. I did outshine her, and it took me forever to realize it. I was better than her. I felt bad for feeling that way, but I was. I broke up with her a month ago. Now, living single, the animal has come back out. The saint is almost completely gone. The odd thing is though, this is the first semester at tech that I have straight A's in all my classes. Also, I have never made the weightlifting gains that I am now. I am quickly becoming much better at everything now that the girl wasn't holding me back. But I know I'm slowly beginning to lose my ties to other people again. I cannot understand their failures, their lack of ambition, their weaknesses. I'm afraid I'm lost in my own power. I really appreciate it if you read all that. I really need someone to talk to right about now.
Yo man, that was a very intriguing read. I know you said you haven't talked to anyone about this in person, but I go to Tech as well and if you're interested I think it would be awesome to meet up with you and have a smoke-and-talk session. If not, I understand, you prefer the anonymity of the Internet, and I'll reply here instead. Just let me know.
well im not a dr but i do see one for basically the same thing, in fact i thought i was reading about myself. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and manic depression. i have suffered through a lifetime of regret and self indulgence that brought me to my knees after 30 years of dealing with something going on within me that i couldnt explain. i suggest you talk to your dr and get on some meds because it is a chemical imbalance and it will never fix itself without professional help. wish i had more for ya but this is just my opinion and it comes from experiencing the same symptoms. best of luck to you taming this dragon, it will be the battle of your life but you can do it!
Actually, I'd really appreciate that. Having someone new to talk to, and someone without a preconcieved notion of who I am, would help me greatly. I don't think I can talk to anyone who really knows me, because no one can tell the internal stuggles I'm having when I seem to be doing so well. I see where you're coming from, but I don't think of my mind as being necessarily a bad thing. It helps me achieve my goals, helps me grow. It's very hard to deal with, but I'm not sure I want to take drugs to slow me down. I have my ganja. Any time I really need to try to cool myself down, I just smoke. Gives me a good two hours of sanity.
haha you're going with the old school thought. You should listen to Some Alan Watts man. There are no two sides of you. It's one in the same. However I've felt something that could be described the way you say it. I just go with it. Is it so wrong to have two conflicting views in your head? No, just apply those views/sides to whatever situation you think is appropriate, otherwise, it doesn't matter.
That is what I try to do. However the animal wants what is best for me. It wants me to never stop pushing for my goals. It runs off of basic human instinct. It will always win in reguards to things involving me vs another person. However, the saint side of me completely rejects myself. A good example is that I always try to wear baggy clothes to hide my size so that other people are not afraid of me, or lust over me. They are directly competeing.
After reading all that, I'm not sure what your problem is. It sounds like everything's going great other than you're a bit judgemental and intolerant of others. You said you have the ability to do anything you want to so whatever your problem is, fix it. We're all complex creatures with many sides to our personalities so you're not really unique in that aspect. Maybe you're just over thinking and over analyzing things? Take a break and relax a little.
Good write up for sure! I would use the terms intuition and logic in place of the animal and the saint though. When you say that the "saint side controlled me for blah years" what does that really mean.
the only concern i have is the sincerity in which you believe there are 2 sides to you. you are you. the way you speak about it makes me think there may be to this mentally, than you may want to admit. also it does sound like you are a little intolerant of other people. i mean this all in the most non asshole way btw. ps. its great to be able to put somehting like that down on paper(or computer). did it help you come 4to any realizations whilst writing it? pss your mind is a great thing, but if it begins to effect you negatively(ie, the losing of friends and whatnot) then it is time to speak to someone, whether its the school counselor or a DR
When I say that something controlled me for X years, I mean one side (I assume the intuition side) was prominant. I was so focused on keeping my connections that it was almost impossible to focus on myself (but I never really needed to because I've done pretty well reguardless). And I don't think I'm necesserily intollerant of others, just that I don't understand them. Most people live their lives in a way I can't comprehend. Why won't they do their best? Why do they refuse to change? I'm not really sure what I'm missing. I've tried not to over think it, but everytime I find myself trying to devert my attention, I feel like I'm ignoring major issue. And yes, by writing all that out I think the split between the two me's is larger than I had first thought... I don't know... I've very confused. Haha Edit: And I take no offence to any comments. Honnesty is a great quality. I will try not to take anything personally.
You realize there are probably people who look at you and say the exact same thing? Why does he push so hard? What's he trying to prove? Why can't he slow down, relax, and stop to smell the roses once in a while? Why does he refuse to change?...etc. It seems that you can't understand why everyone doesn't want to be just like you but the truth is, you are as imperfect as the next guy. We all are. Try and accept people for who and what they are, and appreciate the little differences and unique qualities that define people as individuals.
I think you are missing my point, or maybe I am missing yours. I don't hate other people. I get along with a lot of folks pretty well. I don't hate their lifestyle. I just don't understand them. It's really hard to explain... I know that people look at me differently. I'm trying to think of an example that explains what I mean... I understand why someone gets up and does things, even if they don't want to do it. They know that they will benifit from their work. I just don't understand how people can give up. If you don't think you're good enough to do what you're doing, get better at it. If you feel like it's not worth your while, then why even attempt? I can deffinately understand why people don't want to live my lifestyle, but I'm not sure what makes them not do it... If that makes any sense... Thank you for your imput though. I really appreciate it.
Everyones different man. But just think, When you are old and looking back on your life will you feel as though you made the right choices and appropriate sacrifices to get what you desired or will you feel as though you rushed through life without taking the time to slow down and appreciate the ride?
How I see it as you have two parts of you You have to part that wants to excell and exceed everything you do and you don't care what stands in your way and you want to get stuff done, and then the other part is the one that keeps you tied down and from what I've read, killing your dreams
Sometimes people don't do their best because they don't always have to. You didn't always do your best. You mentioned earlier that you did good in school without trying when you were younger because you were focusing on friendships, right? So you didn't do your best with regard to academics. Point I'm trying to make is that we don't always need to strive for the best when, in certain situations, we can do just enough to get by. I'm not saying that these are words to live by, but some certain situations just don't call for your personal best. It's up to the individual to decide what situations require their best and which situations don't. I don't know if everyone refuses to change. Some do, I won't argue that. But some don't feel they need to change so they don't. Again, it's up to the individual to decide wheather change is required or not. It seems to me that you have a problem with other people thinking for themselves and making their own decisions. We're all different. That's what makes us a functioning society. Think about it. If we were all the same, we wouldn't be able to function as a community or a society. If we were all cobblers, we would all have really nice shoes, but no food because there are no farmers. Get my point? Personally, I try to live my life with a positive vibe while trying to tolerate others. I really do try to "Live and let live". Yeah, it's hard sometimes, but I keep trying. I think this is what you need to do. When you see someone doing something that you don't agree with or don't understand, try to understand it. (Great way to meet new friends, btw) If you still can't wrap your brain around them or what they're doing, take on the role of the observer. Stay on the sidelines and just observe, like you're watching a movie. Yes, you need to stand up for yourself and for what you believe in, but this too can be done with tolerance. What I am wondering (because, right now, this whole thing you describe is alien to me) is......... Does this really have a negative effect on you? Yeah, you have a tough time keeping friends and relationships, but there's nothing wrong with that, IMO. I litterally have thousands of acquaintances (sp?), but very few close, close relationships. Maybe you just have to find others that look at the world the same way you do. Maybe that's where your true, close relationships will come from. Well...............I've said waaaaaay too much.............again so...Good Luck and Be Well!!
i had a whole giant essay typed out but i realized that it didnt really get the message across that i wanted. based on the type of things you said i can say that the way you think is almost identical to one of my best childhood friends who was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and is just now starting to go through treatment. i think its a very distinct possibility that you might have a similar condition, and regardless of whether or not you think its a good thing, you need to go to a psychologist and get this checked out. i can tell you right now that i can see quite a few clues in the way you think and perceive things that is literally almost identical to my friend. there is definately something going on and i think it would be very wise of you to at least try to see what it is.
Damn. You almost starved yourself to death, started lifting weights, and go to college. You are better than everyone.
He's not better than everyone - he spelled waste as waist. And what is perfect about starving yourself. He has a lot of self control, but does he have selflessness? OP (I was just being and asshole on the spelling thing) I have bipolar and for a short time I was experiencing dissociative disorder due to a medication I was on. Dissociative disorder is the modern day term for Multiple Personality Disorder, also you sound like you have a personality disorder with all of your self control and superiority complex stuff going on. You may be fine now, but as time passes as those types of illnesses go untreated they get steadily worse until they manifest in unseemly ways. Just get checked and also do your own research into the field of mental illness. A little knowledge goes a long way toward heading off the freight train you've become.
you dont have to understand every different person's way of going about things (its impossible, frankly), but you should probably just accept it and move on with your own life.