For a long time I have felt like I wasn’t myself because well it was quite obvious because nothing felt real and so many things I forced. I dated a guy who was super chatty/“funny” all the time and for some reason I tried to change myself for him, which I never would have done for anyone but when it came to him it was like I was a child. I guess I had been in a horrible time in my life where I lost most of my friends and I had no one. Anyways I hanged on to him which was horrible because you can’t rely on others especially when they aren’t genuine to you. He did some bad things and left me in the dark but it’s been a few months now and I realized that he was just not on the same level of consciousness as me. After I realized that I sought out people that I could truly talk to and made me feel like I was myself but the problem was that I didn’t even know who I was, deep down I knew who I was but on a surface level I didn’t know how to just be. I tried hard to just let go but it just made me more anxious that these people thought I was just another sheep but I’m not. It’s like my inner thoughts are screaming at me but when it comes to talking to other people it’s like I have no control and I keep trying to validate things but it just makes me even more nervous. I don’t know how to get out of this vicious cycle because I’m just outcasting myself because I can’t fit in with the sheeps and I know where I fit but just time after time I just disappoint myself. It’s like this constant back and forth where I’m at a constant battle with what I want and being myself. What do I do? I know everything happens for a reason and things will probably turn out the way they should but I keep having doubts which make me feel useless. If anyone can’t relate I would love to know what you’re going through or what you’re doing that helps.
I'm guessing you're fairly young, and that's alright, I may even be a bit envious of your youth but in my experience this lost feeling doesn't really go away...you just get too busy to feel it as often. I've got a business/wife/kids/house, all that bullshit and I still catch myself feeling like I've no clue what the fuck is going on. I call that feeling 'the dog at the piano' cause it's like I'm just banging away at the keys entertained by the notes but lost to the rhythm. Sometimes it feels good to be lost, as if I might still achieve something great with my life but most of the time it's a tad terrifying. Fuck it brother, be kind to yourself, be on good terms with all you meet and try to give back just a little more than you take from this journey and you'll be just fine.
Don't outcast yourself. I do this too and it only hurts you. I distance myself as a coping mechanism and while sometimes it's good mostly it only isolates me. It sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Think about positive things you like about yourself. Try to drive out or turn off the negative. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and do better next time. From an over analyzer who internally could tear themselves to shreds about things other folks don't give a second thought to, STOP it!! It's not healthy and it doesn't do a damn thing but create additional negative thoughts. Do not change yourself for anyone but you, you are the only person who can 100% be loyal to you. YOU have to be happy at the end of the day, point blank. You can never please all people, I have tried, it's stupid and it isn't possible no matter how selfless or kind you could be, someone won't like you. You gotta like you. And you never need to validate yourself to anyone! I felt a lot like you when I was younger. It gets easier and you get more wise. You will find people who "get you" as time goes on. Hold onto those people. If friends were willing to write you off so easy, they aren't true anyway.
I know this will probably sound lame, but volunteering is good when you're feeling self-conscience about who you are or how you fit in. It also puts things into perspective of what is really important in the grand scheme of our time here (which is limited cause entropy is the real deal ) . Volunteering can help you to not internalize things so much and build confidence and acceptance of who you are and were meant to be. Which in turn will lead to you feeling better about your role in this mass human experiment we call life and you'll start being more accepting of yourself and the people around you. /hugs
psilosybin....could help you find yourself. but don't just jump in to it...inform and prepare yourself properly.
"There is no place to stand." Meaning that as long as we identify with the egoic construct (the mind, body, who we are in relationship to others minds, bodies, opinions, concepts, etc.)... To find your Self, look within, deep down within there is a silence of Being that never changes and will always Be... some call it Pure Awareness or Consciousness... the Witness to all of the temporary situations, places, things "out there" that cannot and do not satisfy that inner desire for completeness... I've had many experiences of it and it can be cultivated into the "out there" activities but takes some regular practice... Eventually there is a tipping point and the ego self realizes that the True Self is a better guide and protector than it is... at that point it's easier and easier not to get or feel tossed about like a leaf in the wind or ship without a sail... You are your own anchor of stability in life... from that consciousness the world can do what it does without affecting you at all... The True Self is impersonal never changing, only the egoic idea of a personal self changes so why get too familiar or locked in to that small "i" identification... stick with the "I AM" and don't add labels after it... Nobody knows you as you implied and you don't know yourself... too much hurry hurry ding ding thrills & zing will only keep you at arms length form your Self... Also watch a video or 2 by Leonard Jacobson on Youtube... he explains it well as others do too.
I can see where you are coming from. I think it is YOU tryinf to evolve but not knowing how to evolve and integrate with a devolved culture. Firstly, know that you are not alone, just be patient in evolving yourself and you will find others like you and some that can inspire you to be a better you. Meanwhile, work on yourself, become the person you are and people that are worth your time will recognize that and be attracted to you. Prove to yourself that you can rely on yourself to be the person you ought to be, then solitude will not be a scary thing. We can climb the hierarchical ladder that society puts before us or we can choose to make our own ladder to reach whatever level of our true selves we can. Perhaps you are stuck wondering which path to take, the easy one or the hard one? P.S. I now read what @svedka said and perhaps you can tell that we are both saying very similar things in different words. What he is saying echoes what I mean when I say "make your own ladder", discover and become your true self.
Try surrounding yourself with likeminded individuals. Are you artistic? Hang with artists. Are you musical? Find musicians. Animal lover? Seek the same. We all have our personal interests, likes & dislikes. Not all you associate with will be true friends. If we know ourselves first, our companions will reveal themselves. Building trust in others does not come automatically, but as they prove themselves over time, trust is earned. This is true of you to others as well. Take your time with new people, but by all means, find those that “get” you and those that you find likeminded. This is were our pool of friends exists.