First of all, I don't post much in the Chill Out Zone.. you will mainly find me in Pandora's Box, so I'd like to introduce myself as thebigd^. I'd like to begin this with me saying, how nice it is to have somewhere to turn to, to ask for advice or at least just rant about your emotions and depression. Sometimes being a man can be difficult and you don't know how to face and deal with certain situations. This is a first for me, so maybe this is why this seems so difficult to me. Her name is Ryann. We met in the 6th or 7th grade, purely because of smoking weed. We ended up hanging out, chit-chatting, smoking together, scheming money for weed. Our relationship between us seemed to have grown extremely fast, and abruptly. Thus spawning a two person relationship that I hoped to have never lost. Now with all friendships, you have your ups and downs, the good and the bad. Me and her seemed to always be right back next to each other, lighting a joint.. talking about anything and everything about what ever there was to talk about. We talked about our childhoods, our life.. our philosophy's or imagination, our goals, aspirations and what we both wanted from life. We were one and the same. We have experimented a few times with sexual activities, but both agreed that it would ruin the friendship. Everything about each of us were the same. Music.. we both like a groups called, John Prine, Ozark Mountain Daredevils, Bob Dylan, Arlo Guthrie.. etc. These are types of music that no one our age in our generation have even heard of. Thus the connection began. We both enjoyed the comfort of each other, when we would lay next to each other on a bright sunny day, watching the clouds go by holding hands.. and being there for one another. Needless to say, with time.. friendships fade. What I wonder is.. does she realize how bad it hurts me, to lose the one person in my life that I would take a bullet for, die for, do anything, risk anything for her. EVEN as a friend. I wonder if she feels the same way too. We seldomly talk and exchange drugs, or smoke together, but the friendship has seemed to have faded so fast, and it is KILLING me. How do I deal with this. I have multiple times showed her how I've felt, and told her how I've felt. I know she feels pain, and sorrow.. but.. the situation shes facing at the moment makes me realize of drugs are keeping her from feeling how she really feels. What do I do?! People say "wait for her to come around" or "just forget about it, time will heal" Fuck that, time does not heal.. and believe me I'm getting pretty tired of waiting. All I want is my friend back.. and I dont seeing it happend. Nothing happend between us to make each of us not hang out with each other, which just leaves me with a million questions. How could she do this to me? We've been by each other sides for going on 6 years. I miss her so much. Sorry for the wall of text.. but truthfully, I feel slightly better just being able to get some of this out of my head. Goin' for a toke from a blunt. I appreciate ya, fellow Blades. Twist one up & Burn one Down, thebigd^