I hate to sound like a pussy here but I think I'm really having trouble moving on from a relationship.. I'm a well rounded, successful person in most aspects of my life and the time I was in a serious relationship was without a doubt the happiest of my life.. So here's the story: I dated this girl for about three years, starting when I snatched her from one of my best friends. Now at the time she told me all this stuff about how bad he was to her and being an asshole I bought into it and scooped her away like a knight in shining armour. The following few years are complete and utter joy to me(and to her, so I thought) but after a time we started having more and more differences and ended up breaking it off even though we both attend nearby universities. At first I'm fine with it, thinking I'll get a chance to experiment, get with all the kinds of girls I'd fantasized about while being young and in a long relationship. However what really happened is I developed some socially crippling depression. I rarely want to meet new people, I don't trust people easily. Now I'm not cutting my wrists and writing sad poems but I'd just as soon sit around and do nothing as go out and waste my time in the real world. This happened very slowly, and I still force myself out to socialize pretty regularly but the majority of the time I feel like a real downer and sometimes it shows through to the people I talk to. I cycle between cold and distant and anxious and awkward. I used to be none of those things.. and I know this isn't my real personality because sometimes snatches of the "old me" will shine through and almost everyone loves that person... It are those few moments that allow me to maintain the relationships with the friends I have, but my overall vibe of apathy and negativity prevents me from meeting new people. Another thing is that I think about her every single day and I'm relatively uninterested in being with other girls (even when I was going out with her I was interested in that WTF) I even have had a women in my bed begging me to live out my fantasies with her and I just kind of shrugged her off.. probably could't have banged her if I wanted to, and I didn't. While I'm not a homophobe I'm also certain that I'm not gay (before anyone suggests that..) Now it's been a good 9 months!!!!!!!!!! since we broke it off and I've been noticing this progressively for about 5 (the first month apart was fine surprisingly) before making a decision to try and fix it. I've been doing shit finding new hobbies, perusing old hobbies but mostly for selfish gain and I'm still struggling to project the love and positivity that I should Last thing: I've smoked every day throughout the entire relationship and since it ended, however since then I've noticed the effects of the high greatly change. Now being high tends to trigger anxiety and introverted around people. I am very accustomed to the feeling and at times I can act normal but I can see the effects of my anxiety projected on others and it comes around 100x worse when I'm high or even burnt out. It puts me into this mentality where talking and interacting seems pointless and I just want to get something done so I'm not wasting time. Thanks to anyone who made it through this pile of self indulgent bullshit, but I need to get it out and I don't want to ostracize myself from my social group by venting to the real world
I am going thru the exact same depression. i use to be outgoing and stay out with friends til the night ended but recently ive turned around and become this lazy recluse... im not unhappy with chilling at home but i definitely miss the days of when i was more involved in life and what it has to offer. like you, i believe its partially due to a past relationship but not because i cant move on but because the guy i dated was a possessive twat who would get mad at me for hanging out with anyone other than him. after months of being subjected to his insecurities, i left but the damage had been done. its a daily fight not to walk on eggshells around my current bf thinking hes gonna get mad for me going out and doing my thing... which he never has. he is amazing. anyhow, my suggestion to you would be do not force it. take it day by day and in time im sure youll get right back into the swing of things. may not hurt to start exercising or taking walks if u dont already. that alone could help balance your body chemistry out and help you feel better.
I went through something like this. The best advice I can give you is quit smoking so much, find a creative outlet, maybe get a little spiritual, get physically active (in my case, golf), and socialize on GC. I cut down smoking to maybe a few times a week, starting writing my thoughts out (mostly on GC for feedback, etc.), getting spiritual in a very open way (no adherence to anything in particular), played golf, and made friends on GC mainly because I had too much social anxiety to do it in real life.
You really can't voluntarily move on. With that being said, A AnoesisOrange took the words right out of my mouth, My own version of these suggestions, based on what works best for me, would be as follows: 1. Gym 2. Hiking 3. Photography 4. Meditation 5. Lucid dreaming 6. Reading 7. Working 8. Homework (if you're in school) 9. Grasscity 10. Video games (works to battle depression) Basically do something to better yourself. Originally, years ago when my "first love" broke up with me, I started reading up on all sorts of religions and going to the gym. This was my idea of how to get myself in the best mental and physical shape that I could. By focusing solely on bettering yourself you'll be able to, not only move on eventually, but also better yourself in the end as well. Nothing is better than looking in the mirror at the 10 pounds of muscle you've recently put on. Or getting back your last exam only to see you got 107%. In the end you're all that really matters.
All great advice I'd like to add stop living in the past. You miss her so much because you keep thinking about all the good times you two had together. That kind of thinking will destroy you man. You gotta try to focus on this second. Right now she isn't the one for you so what do you do? Take the people's advice above me. Better yourself and if you do that you'll realize you don't need her. That's probably how you feel, that's how I feel, I'm kinda dealing with the same thing too. Who knows after you do she might even realize how stupid she was and want to you back, but you'll be able to make a much better decision about whether or not you want to be with her. Keep moving forward man and don't look back. That's my best advice
It's all about your mind state. Consider the law of attraction, like attracts like. Be positive and you will attract positivity, be carefree and happy and that's what you'll receive. The whole world and it's outcomes in your perspective are determined by the way you look at things, so if you want to get hung up on one bitch female it didn't work out with - then that's the shitty life you're going to be living.
I really appreciate everyone's excellent advice. I've been trying to keep pressing forward and focus on the future which is satisfying but it doesn't help me overcome the problem because it leads me to see myself as an observer and schemer trying to manipulate my future and the universe. what I need to do live in the present and be fully alive and fully a part of the universe. I think the exercise is especially quality advice. I bought a road bike a few weeks ago and have returned to hiking and long distance running. Exercise makes me feel incredibly alive especially if I really push myself. I think smoking less may be helpful.. to me and my homies an 1/8th a day per person to the dome day in and day out is casual smoking.. doesn't seem like much at first, just a few js a day, but it adds up to over an oz a week which over a course of years probably has an impact for better or worse.. Overall I think just moving forward with my life is key. I dont like to take refuge in the future cause we all know this moment is the only one thats real. However my current career path is unsatisfying and takes up the majority of my time so once I see my true goals and ambitions begin to manifest in the world around me I hope i can drop the scheming and enjoy life to the fullest
Don't trip yourself up by accident, like you started to do at the end here. It's very important to have goals and aspirations to work towards, but don't think about "just moving forward," because that's too far away. Think about now, right now. If you try to focus and/or foresee your future, it usually also causes you to reminisces on the past as well. Personally for me, that means I'm literally obsessing about going to the gym in 4 hours. After that I can foresee myself doing a solid amount of homework, blazing and playing some video games. But who knows, that's too far away for me to really be certain.