Hey GC. I guess this is kind of hard to explain, so I'm just going for it: Throughout my life it has been one disappointment after another, whether it be in myself, my friends, or my family. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm poor with money (which has me right now in a crisis), I have severe issues with going to class (past 2 semesters of college left me with 0 credit hours, and this one isn't looking promising either) and this is my last chance to go to college without paying for it myself. I can't seem to hold a steady relationship because I feel like I lose interest, or I just feel like I don't care for their feelings after a stint. I've been going to therapy since I was little, and also been on medications since I was 7. I've been told I was "wrong", "weird", or to "shut up" my entire life. I try not to dwell in the past anymore because I know it's a hindrance more than anything, but it gets down to the point where I can't help but think about all the times I've felt wronged in my life. People reach out to me, but I push away until I'm in it too deep. I'm sick of living like this, thinking and feeling like an utter failure. I have dreams, hopes, but can't seem to get past the first step of actually starting my path. If this semester doesn't work for me, I don't know what I'll be forced to do. I will not have a place to live, as I won't be able to afford my apartment on my own, and my mom won't take me in. I dunno. I try not to think about suicide, but it pops in my mind alot, especially at times like this. And when I begin to think like that, I begin to hate everything and everyone. -Lost in humanity-
2 semesters and 0 credit hours... thats brutal seriously thats like at least 20 grand thrown away.... just go to class and for the relationship u just gotta find a girl u really like
Hey man i can tell that your going threw a very difficult time. Just think positively. No matter what has happened in the past you aren't in that bad of a situation. Like come on your in college, you have had some relationships and so what if you have had a few bad experiences, just do what ever makes you happy, if that is smoking pot and playing video games then go ahead and do it. The only thing that is stopping you from being happy is your mental state.
I wish it were that easy for me. At times it seems like I'm not even human. I don't laugh when everyone else does. I feel like there's always something wrong with me, physically, mentally, emotionally. Like a load is constantly being replaced on my shoulders even after I got the last one off. EDIT: my b-day is Jan. 23, 1990.
This is you to a "T".and maybe you can find how to slove your problems with it. Aquarius - Complete information about your sun sign.
ok man, I can relate TOTALLY. For one, there are no inherent fuck up' in this world. sometimes some people have better luck than others, even if you believe in that or not. You are being shit on by life right now, I know. Lets put it this way, i failed over 2 semesters in college, BUT I know that I was an idiot before and everyone who thinks they know anything about me or my habits can kiss my ass. I'm in this now for myself and what I want to do, and while maybe my parents can make me feel shitty, im gonna shove my degree in their face when im done. I'm on academic probation with my school for my semester GPA being too low, my overall is like a 2.4 or something (so a C) but if you go on academic probation too often, they threaten to take away your financial aid. MY parents dont pay for shit, so if this happens im so fucked. Well, this semester is do or die for me you know? I am not going to be that failure, its not too late, its only 4 weeks into the semester. Nothing is beyond salvation unless you're nearer the end of your semester. You can salvage your grades man. I get so depressed sometimes that I find myself sitting in bed when the alarm goes off going, "whatever, why do i even bother going? if i stay in bed at least ill feel physically refreshed rather than being depressed mentally and physically all day." you have to say no to that mode of thinking. Seriously, it comes to a point when you just have to say to yourself, and for yourself, that you want to do certain things and you can't just keep fucking up to get where you want to go. Life makes no sense alot of the time, its fucked, its chaotic etc. Thats our situation in modern times. You have to make meaning for yourself. Don't push everyone away, have that one person you can talk to. Be it GC or whatever, but keep that group of people commited to your success. I've wanted to end it alot of times too, but ultimatly there isn't shit on the others side that we can prove, so why make an early appointment with the reaper? PUSH through, and if you fuck up man, it is NOT the end of the world. You can finish school at another university, maybe a year or so down the road. Go to community college or transfer, there is a school that will let you in and hook you up with financial aid. It may take longer than anticipated but thats the bargain sometimes mate. If you think weed is running your life more than enhancing it, its time to take a break. but if you don't think that, then keep smoking, keep up the positivity, and just ride the waves of life. I know this sounds so idealistic and it sounds easy when i put it like this, but you're outlook isn't working so far, so maybe you should experiment with a new one. im around if you want to talk or message. You are not a fuck up man.
First, go to class; get your education. Once this happens, you'll likely start to notice positive change in your life. You get a degree, find a job/career that you want to do, and the rest will come with time. And don't you DARE kill yourself. Don't even think about that as a viable option. Such a retarded decision. You might be dead and clear from problems, but think of your family. Frig, they might not show it on a day to day basis, but they do love you, and if you took your own life, then let me tell you this: by doing that, you will ultimately ruin the rest of all of their lives. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. It fucking sucks. Maybe by paying for it yourself, you might feel a need to go, since it's not anyone else's money you're wasting. I dunno man, life has its ups and downs; try to focus on the ups. Peace and love, and remember, for some unexplainable reason, you have been given a single life to live, so don't cop out and forfeit it, because it is precious. Live it to the fullest.
I've read a lot of astronomical readings that do say a lot about me, but I try not to let it go to my head. A lot of those things are true. Actually, the inaccuracies are few and far-between in that link, it's just that I don't like the idea of the cosmos being the deciding factor of who I am. But, I am open to other ways of thinking, and I will use some of that knowledge. Regarding spiritdance3's post: I have nothing telling me I can't still do well this semester, and that's certainly the mindset that I came back to college with. But, the way I was raised (if you're not a success you're a failure) made me really negative, especially because I reject my family's ideals yet they still, technically, control me because I have no way of supporting myself at this time. It makes me sick. And yes, life is very chaotic. I hate being dependent on other people to get things done, but at the same time I feel like I can't do it myself. I really don't have trust in most people. I want to be a family man when I get older. I want children, and I want to raise them into good human beings more than anything else. Other than that, my goal in life is to find something where I can better humanity as a whole. I want to change things. It just feels like I can't change myself. Suicide, I know, is a terribly selfish thing. I know others care and love for me, it just feels like I do nothing but make their positions worse. Especially for my mother, who has been single since my father (I don't once recall her ever going out on a date, which breaks my heart thinking about it) cheated on her, and she really has had no help raising me. She's also an alcoholic, and that made life very difficult too. She deeply loves and cares for me, but all I ever think I do is hurt her. I just feel sick to my stomach knowing that she's been working her ass off to feed, clothe and shelter me, and she still won't be able to retire until I'm out of college. It would probably kill her if I killed myself. EDIT: It's hard for me to relate to people. Not often do I have a conversation where I feel engaged by anyone. I'll listen, of course, but my responses feel automatic, machine-like to me. Not necessary emotionless, it's more like I have to think of what I'm going to say every time. It's hard for me to hold a conversation with basically anyone because I just have no idea what to talk about or what to say. General awkwardness follows.
DUDE You Have to Get this Book.my mom is a alcoholic,and yeah,her drinking has played a rule in how your life is now.My sister's psychologist let her read it for awhile and she let me read it and it opened my eyes to the things i never understood.trust me it WILL help you. [ame=http://www.amazon.com/Will-Never-Happen-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0345345940]Amazon.com: 'It Will Never Happen to Me!' Children of Alcoholics: As Youngsters - Adolescents - Adults (9780345345943): Claudia Black: Books[/ame] i dont know if you have to buy it for here but you do need to get your hands on it.its like all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fall into place.
You remind me a lot of myself, my friend... When you think of suicide though, I want you to think about the infinite amount of wonderful experiences that you haven't had yet, I want you to think about the some 6 billion out there that you haven't had the oppurtunity to meet and learn from, but most of all, I want you to look deep, Deep into your heart, and think about what you really want to do in life. I don't mean what you want to do for a living to make money, I mean what you want to accomplish, what you think will truly help you soothe your soul. You should seriously consider traveling for a little while, maybe get some money together and just run away to nowhere in particular, don't think about a destination and think about the journey. I know the feeling of living in the fog of despair, and I'm getting ready to go on my own journey soon... just think about these things man.
That's the problem. It took me up until this summer to figure out what I really wanted to do. (As soon as I get my hours/grades/skipping under control) I want to go to law school after I get a business degree. Because of the way I felt, the way I had always been taught, I was -clueless- as to what to do. Not until now have I realized my passion for careers. I've always pondered the meaning of life. If there's a God. I believe, the meaning of life is to be given to experience just that, life. When we die (I'm Catholic, by choice) I believe our true selves, our souls, ascend to wherever it may be, and contribute to the force we know as God. No flaming needed here for what I think either, please. But of course, one must have a life path to gain this experience and contribute. It is not necessarily just the pleasure and fun experiences either. What doesn't kill you makes you strong, and hardship is the true test of man. I just can't face it, though. I run away from my problems and try to fix them too late. I'm procrastinating life, so to speak. I was born in Europe, then moved to the states. I've been to Europe twice since then, and I've never felt so alive. I love traveling; plane, boat, train... taking the train underneath the English channel was a real thrill for me. Nothing would make me happier than taking a trip to Europe with either my best friend or girlfriend, and backpack across Europe. Probably do hostels or something (no, the movie Hostel isn't realistic at all).
thats what i feel like when i have conversations, its weird because its hard to think of anything to say naturally about a subject unless its really interesting to me.
this story reminds me of garden state, maybe you should take a brake from the meds and go clean for a while and see how it feels not having the prescriptions.
i REALLY hope you get that book KannaMan. and btw,is your name kanna man like kanna that herb??i like that stuff.but really,get that book,you will change the way you see yourself for the better,and no it's not boring,it's not a long book.you'll love it.you need it.
quit smoking weed for a little bit start excising and eating well go see a doctor for possible SSRIs or motivational prescriptions trust me man, i was in your EXACT boat and so are soooo many people. especially do that second one, it makes you feel so much better. there is a tribe of freerunners in south america that has been completely isolated from society. they have no depression, heart disease, anything like that. trust me man
