Hiding my marijuana use.

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Diane Herrera, Aug 5, 2017.

  1. My name is Diane, I'm 32 years old and I I live in California where marijuana was recently legalized. I started using marijuana in April of this year after seeing a 420 ad about get nugg.
    I have struggled with schizophrenia and chronic depression since I was 14 and had been heavily medication from 1998-2012.
    My parents have both been through hell and back with me in and out of the hospital most of my life, harming myself, etc. They are very protective of me. Though my father is exponentially more protective. To a fault even. I live with my father because both of my parents agreed that my schizophrenia was so severe that I had to live with one of them my whole life and once they died I would probably get placed with other relatives or some nice little home for old people. My dad said that he wanted to make sure the house was paid for so I would always have some place to live just in case.
    Well, long story short, I got tired of living that way. I got tired of being told I was sick and had to be taken care of, I was damn tired of people telling me I couldn't do this or that. I can vote, I can drive, my mind may feel fragmented at times but it works. I weaned myself off all medication against medical advice in 2012 and haven't taken meds ever since. I changed my diet around, became vegan and things got better. But eventually the pink cloud wore off and I couldn't ignore my symptoms anymore. I have a fiance now and we want our own home someday but on SSI that's gonna be hard.
    This year I decided to give medical marijuana a try. I started out with only edibles but now I mainly vape, or take capsules, drinks or other edibles.
    My father and my mother have both really noticed a big difference in me since I started taking medicinal marijuana. My dad is very happy with how much I've improved. The other day he said almost beaming that it felt like I was normal again. His little girl was back. I'm not depressed anymore, I have lots more energy to get things done around the house and focus on my writing and my art. I use a sativa vape pen in the morning (Suicide Girls- Hustle- My fave) I don't get upset over little things anymore though I still get peeved at the big things...like my dad letting my cat out for the 5th time in one day and then saying "Oh no, Diane, he's gone too far, I can't go after him!!!!!!" While he's still on the porch. LMAO!) Or my dad putting my electric kettle on the stove to boil water. LMAO. Ha ha ha!
    My fiance says that he's noticed a very positive change as well and he's very happy that I have this available to me. The reason I only choose vaping, edibles, drinks, capsules and tinctures is because they are the most discreet options. Most vape cartridges don't smell too strongly of weed but because my entire family knows me as the vape chick because I used to run my own line of eliquids called Rebel Grrl Vapor. So after I take a drag of the thc vape pen, I'll take a bigger drag of my vape mod so it smells like caramel. I carry clear eyes in my pockets at all times and I won't even throw away empty edibles packages at home because my dad might find them. When they're empty I place the empty package in my purse and the next time I go out I throw it in a public trash can making sure to remove any personal information that may be on the label or bag.
    I don't smoke flower or dab because the smell is too hard to conceal in our house. I'm worried that if my family finds out how I've improved so much without "medications" like Risperdal, Saphris, Thorazine, Lithium, etc, etc, etc "ad infinitum" they would be disappointed. I'm afraid I would go back to being the pariah I felt like before. I'm afraid my father would never accept it and would be disappointed. But I have gotten so much better that I feel I can and should go back to college. I was always a straight A college student and I already have 3 semesters worth of classes completed. I would love to finally go back to school and then do all the things everybody said I wouldn't ever get to do because I'm mentally ill like to go college, get a degree, transfer to university, have a career I love, marry my fiance and have a nice little home for us where we can have all my pets. 1 cat, 2 dogs, 1 amazon parrot, 5 fish...and a rodent infestation....All the normal things.
    Everybody says I'm a new person, so much improved and they love the changes. I show up to family functions and I'm happy and grateful to be there and belong. I'm just afraid that if my mom or dad find out they may call my old doctor and have him evaluate me for a hold. The worst part is it will be done out of love and concern for me so I wouldn't even be able to get upset at them. They love me enough to do what they feel they need to, even if I get angry or don't see it's for my benefit. The thing is that I'm not self harming. I'm better than I've been in years and I just wish I could be honest. I hate not telling my parents things like this.
    Please don't tell me I'm a grown ass woman and my parents shouldn't get to tell me what to do anymore. I love and respect both of my parents and they have already gone through so much for, with and because of me. It would be disrespectful of me to carry on as though how they felt didn't matter. My mother who is the best damn ICU nurse I've ever known has had to bring me back from the brink of death more than once. Narcan administered just in time. I should be penniless on the street without a name but my parents would never give up on me.
    This short story just keeps getting longer and longer. It's late. I'm up late working on a project. Almost done I promise...

    Do any of you struggle with guilt regarding your use of medicinal or recreational marijuana? Do any of you have family, significant others, or friends who would be upset if they knew you use medicinal or recreational marijuana. Should I feel bad about hiding my use? My fiance says no because it's doing me so much good. My cousin even let me babysit her 7 month old son. When she asked me I looked around even though I was the only other person in the room. It was so nice. Her son and I had a great time, playing while my cousin went to the store for some mommy time. It was really nice. I wasn't high when I was taking care of the baby but the positive effects seem to last long after the psychoactive effects wear off.
    Everyone treats me like I'm normal again and it's so nice. I know a few of them are waiting for my next episode, hospitalization, intentional overdose, etc, They're dicks in everyones fam. Lol.
    I just wish I could be open with them about it without risking a huge intervention situation where I'm shipped back to the hospital long term, then rehab, then board and care, then back home. Oh yeah, we did that more than once already and I won't put my parents through that shit again. They love me very much and are usually accepting of things that help but they are both dead set on marijuana being bad bad bad. Reefer madness type shit. What do you guys recommend. Please, please, please be nice. I'm very new to marijuana and still don't know much about anything. Thanks for reading.
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  2. Hello, Diane.

    First, let me say that I am so happy for you. Your story is touching and I implore you to congratulate yourself in the life changes you have made. It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done whether or not it felt like it at the time. You should take the credit for knowing what is best for you.

    Are there other people in your family who are more understanding of its use? I ask because having as many people in your family and close family friends who understand and support you are going to be your best advocates and key to your parent's understanding as well.

    If you need to hide it, I completely understand. The flip side of that coin is guilt from hiding it and so on. I'm sure it feels like you are lying to them and once it's out in the open there will be a weight lifted. But, again, these kinds of relationships are tenuous at best as trust in you as an individual who can make their own decisions is not something that your parents signed up for in the beginning. When they saw your illness and decided that you needed to live with one of them for the rest of their lives and then on to have stability setup for you, a home, etc., they also signed away their trust in your ability to make these kinds of decisions for yourself. That trust must be rebuilt and I know you said you are 32 but the likelihood that you are viewed as a 32 year old would normally be is likely not your truth. I'm assuming a few things here for the sake of giving you sound advice. I don't think you would be posting here if you weren't looking for some way to be honest about it and somehow breaking the news to Mom and Dad isn't so far off in your train of thought.

    Is your fiance someone they put a lot of trust into? Perhaps he (I assume) is someone they have trust in and can help rebuild the trust in your ability to make these strong adult choices for yourself. I urge you to begin the re-education process with your parents but slowly. Don't tell them what it is you are doing. Do they watch documentaries? Do they read a lot? Leave information about it lying around. Not too much of it. Just an article here and there once in a while. You don't want it to become suspect before you are ready. You would be the best judge of where and what to leave. Perhaps there are other stories like yours. Oftentimes it is easier for someone to accept this sort of thing when it is not happening with someone they love so deeply. I'll wait for your answer to these questions and hopefully I can help. You can tell me you don't like my response and I'd completely understand. I'm not in your shoes, after all.

    Take care, Diane.
  3. Smoke weed get a job and smoke in your house
  4. im sorry for your situation i can relate my wife has bought in to the anti cannabis narrative. my pain is getting unbearable and prescipts are worse so i am growing my own and learning all i can about micro dosing.i dont want to get high i want the pain to diminish what ever you do never feel guilty about trying to heal yourself
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  5. Dear Flutterbye,
    I apologize for the late reply. I hadn't been able to log back in until now Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Things have continued to improve steadily for the past couple of months.

    I actually do have family members that are supportive. 2 of them are casual smokers and the third has been using marijuana practically her whole life. She had been trying to get me to try it since I was 16. I had too many anti-drug PSA's in my brain at that point and my doctor already had me medication beyond all reason. I just can't believe I waited this long to make the switch.

    My parents both love my fiance. They say he brought me back to life during a time in which they felt they had lost me. We've been together for 5 years now and even though he's a "certified card carrying member of the straight edge club" carries a literal plastic card in his wallet with his name that says Unintoxicated Drug-Free Since 83 (His birth year) He has always rejected drugs in any form. BUT he encourages my medicinal use of marijuana because he sees it's positive effect on me

    I still haven't told my parents yet but my fiance thinks I should just keep doing what I'm doing and then tell them once a year has gone by. He thinks the contrasts between this year and the previous will be enough to get my family on board. Thanks again for your reply and I apologize for the delayed reply. I appreciate the support very much
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  6. I'm actually going to back to school to finish my degree. The problem is NOT that I don't want them to know. I want them to know I'm just not sure how to tell them without upsetting or worrying them.
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  7. I'm sorry to hear that, my fiance is my biggest advocate and always supports what helps me manage my symptoms and get through the day even if he wouldn't use it himself he's glad I have it. If I had to hide it from it or justify it to him it would be so much harder. I hope your situation improves soon
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  8. TJ, sorry you're going through this as well. I can relate to your situation, myself. Good luck to you.
  9. Diane,
    So glad to hear that your fiance is so understanding. I can never fully understand why people are so against a natural resource. The only thing wrong with cannabis is it is illegal in so many states. It's far more acceptable these days than say even ten years ago. I've tried talking my husband into moving to Colorado!

    Seriously though, I think your fiance has a good plan in mind by waiting a year. The contrast and all makes perfect sense. I wish I'd have suggested that! I do think reeducation is key, though, to be sure. I hope you decide to keep us posted. Please feel free to message me if you're comfortable doing so.

    Have you heard about the suit filed against the government in regard to situations like yours? If you haven't, I'll provide a link here for you or anyone else here reading this.

    Flutterby, AKA Siana (Shawna)

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