So, here's my issue: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. When we got together, we realized that we are very different people, but both recognized a never before felt level of comfort and affection for one another. One of the big differences was that he was a big time stoner. I very rarely smoked (Once a year, if that.). Prior to meeting him, I would have said that I would never date someone that gets high on a regular basis. Many people in my family, including my parents abuse drungs and alcohol, and I made a decision that it was not the way I wanted to live my life. Now, he was up front about his smoking and said it wasn't something he ever planned on stopping. I was up front with him, told him that I was not a big fan, and while I didn't feel it was my place to tell him to stop, I did tell him that if we ever were looking at a long term relationship I didn't know how comfortable I was going to be with it. Suffice to say, things progressed quickly, and because of how uncomfortable I was with his smoking, he did not get high around me. Fast forward six months in, and we decided to live together. We made a deal that I would stop smoking cigarettes (I smoked for 14 years, which he HATED) and he would stop smoking weed. This was largely his idea. Well, it wasn't too long before he was hinting that he wanted to get high. I was reluctant, but recognized that weed is not like cigarettes, you can do it occassionaly and not be hooked, and couldn't think of a good reason why he shouldln't be able to indulge once in a while. We agreed that if there was a special occasion, he could get high. Problem is, he had trouble finding a legitimate special occassion, so he was still never getting high. I then gave in a little more. We started getting high about once a month, which turned into a couple times a week, which has now blown up into us getting high every night. He knows that I am not happy about this. Although, I can't lie. I enjoy smoking for the most part. It's just that the idea of catching a buzz everyday that is something that is really out of line with the kind of life I want. I do not want to be like my parents. And, if you wondering why I don't just let him smoke and I do my own thing, it's because I have a huge problem with sitting around around with someone that's buzzed when I'm not. I grew up around that kind of stuff and it's really turned me off to it. Plus, I don't how many of you are aware of this, but it's not fun to be around someone that buzzed when your not, it's usually pretty annoying. Basically, he knows how much this bothers me, and he has said if I don't want to smoke, just say so and we won't that night. Well, I tried that, and it just leads to him being in a pissy mood all evening. He has recently said, more or less, that he would like to continue getting high on a daily basis. He says he can't see the harm in it, since we only do it at night, and it doens't interfere with any aspect of our lives. I really don't know what to do. He knows how bothered I am by this, but my feeling on the topic seems to matter less and less.I obviously tried being cool about it, but it was totally "give an inch, take mile" kinda thing, and now he doesn't want to give that mile back. Other than that, our relationship is pretty good. I do not want to throw out altimatums, but really, is it too much to ask someone to be sober most days? I'm not saying quit all together, but maybe just do it on weekends for the most part. I'm willing to be flexible here, but I know that I can't be with someone that has to get high everday or they feel like the day is lacking somehow. I fear that when it comes down to it he's going to pick the weed. For someone that had such an aversion to it, it really is quite devastating to me. I am well educated about weed, and I think I've done a fair job of setting my personal bias aside. And, I quit smoking just like we originally agreed. Am I asking too much? Can anyone help me see this in a different light? On a side note, for those that say, "it's just who he is." Help me understand that, please. Why and how does the use of a substance define who you are. I wouldn't think that about an alcoholic or a cigarette smoker. Sorry so long, but I wanted to be thorough. Thanks for reading and any advice.
Well I don't buy that everything else is good, I think it's the opposite there is some communication problems here but I sense sexual frustration, maybe you are not satisfied in bed? Seriously though you're smoking everyday together, awesome, at night when work is done so where is the harm? Again communication is key, my girl doesn't like if I drink too much but I have to communicate that I am not an alcoholic dead beat like her dad. Childhood experiences always shape an adults thinking so you're not wrong but personally I would rather tackle your fear instead of thinking daily smoking is wrong (your opinion). To me it sounds like you changed your bad habits of cig smoking (14 years is more harmful than a lifetime of mj) and thoughts on weed but you still 'feel wrong'. I don't know I'm extremely biased and I hate people who make daily smoking worse than daily cigs, coffee etc. I use all 3 but the latter affect my health and mood way more.
You're overreacting, it's not anywhere near as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. You used to smoked for 14 years? What do you think you were doing for those 14 years?? Feeding a nicotine addiction...So, you're saying you have problems with weed? Well guess what, 14 years of cigarettes is definitely worse than 140 years of bud smoking.
this stood out to me...do you think marijuana is addictive? --- i dont see a problem if you dont like him doing it all the time then do it with him unless your pregnant
MJ can create both positive and negative atmospheres depending on the person. People can have an empty spot filled with insight, wisdom, understanding, and an all around feeling happiness and contentment, others aren't that lucky, they get a totally opposite affect of guilt, paranoia, and fear. I guess it depends on how you were raised and how your head's wired. If it doesn't work for you then get out, but if it works for the other person don't deny their choice. People have to follow the choice that works for them. If you can't compromise a workable relationship....................well.
He told you off that bat that he smokes and he doesn't plan on stopping. Accept what he does. It's your decision to not get high, right? Well, it's his decision to get high. Would it be fair if he was complaining about how you never get high with him? Of course not! Because you as a person decided that you don't want to smoke everyday. He's made the opposition decision. If you decide to give an ultimatum then you might as well be prepared for break up. I'd suggest you don't. If your relationship is coming down, in your head, that you're annoyed every night because your boyfriend is smoking then just get out of the relationship? This is one thing that makes your boyfriend happy at night... Is your entire relationship worth getting screwed over for that? One thing that happens at night time?
3rd thread this week about marijuana getting in the way of a relationship...... Yes, it's his decision to get high, but if he doesn't make the sacrifice required for a healthy relationship, then you can dump him; he can stay with his weed while you find a more reasonable guy. You made the sacrifice to stop smoking cigs to better the relationship, so why cant he? Don't listen to all the other posts saying how "at least it's not alcohol" or "let him be", marijuana is a drug and can, and does(by the number of threads about this) cause relationship problems.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say your past has had a bad history with drugs. If your history is that bad simply because of marijuana, I'd like some more info, because maybe that is the root of the problem, and not necessarily all on your boyfriend. Now note I bolded both of those words, because their is a difference. Drugs, when used by a savvy person to hold the full level of "addictive substance that is abused" would not include something like marijuana. Nicotine, Alcohol, Crystal Methamphetamine, Various Pills and Pharmaceuticals, those are drugs. They have horrible side effects, they damage lives, they are highly known to be addicting, ect. Marijuana has none of these, well it does in its own way. It's horrible side effects are merely small side effects that may effect someone to a certain point, but not life changing, this should include sleepiness, hunger, occasional paranoia, ect. Does it damage lives? Sure, but how does it do the damage? Through Police and Federal tyranny, becoming a second class citizen to those who don't know much about Mary, felonies and misdemeanors being handed out for simple possesion, ect. And sure, Mary is known to be highly addictive, but the actual facts show the opposite. Myself I was on a close to 90 day t-break, more then once in my life, both forced and of my own free will, and I never suffered any issues other then missing the habit of doing it, and once missing something can be labeled as an addiction, the whole world is addicted. My point with all this is that you cannot categorize Mary in the same class as drugs because it isn't. If your history is negative because of drugs, tell me was it Mary's fault, or was it the other culprits and Mary just happened to be around? Also, do not, please, for the love of god, be that girl.
personally i consider ANYTHING that effects your mental, physical, or emotional way of thinking to be a drug, just because it's illegal, or addictive, doesn't make it a drug. THE FACT THAT IT CHANGES MENTAL,EMOTIONAL, OR PHYSICAL STATE OF BEING is what makes it a drug, therefore, marijuana is a drug, and though not chemically addicting(no withdrawals if you suddenly quit) it is still mentally addicting(this term might be incorrect so let me explain what i mean, by mentally addicting io mean he takes a hit and goes, man, that great. so, he wants to do it again, no problem, yet. mentally addicting is when you like something so much that when your bored, your immediate thoughts go to wanting to do that, when you wanna do it so bad that you ignore your priorities such as relationships with friends, family or gf/bf than you are mentally addicted) explain to him that if he isn't willing to make your relationship a priority over weed than hes either addicted to the weed(something he won't likely admit) or he doesn't care enough about you to make changes in his life and dump him
it's just weed..he likes it, he wants to do it. don't see what the problem with smoking a bowl or two or five every day. it's my opinion that you should either 1) get over it (not trying to sound like a dbag), or 2) get out of the relationship. someone should not be asked to stop something they like doing just because someone else doesn't like it. especially if it's just weed lol. hopefully your boyfriend can continue being happy with his life, whether he chooses to keep smoking or stop smoking for you.
Uhh, her BF gets high every night..... It's just weed, but weed is a drug; it alters the way you think and react towards others. Maybe OP should just go back to smoking cigs since she should not have to make a sacrifice in a relationship in order for it to work. " someone should not be asked to stop something they like doing just because someone else doesn't like it. especially if it's just cigs"
exactly, I don't see a problem with getting high every night.. If the OP wants to go back to smoking cigs, then she should definitely do it... If she wants to..no one should make her stop if she doesn't want to ....
hence my advice to: 1) get over it or work it out so that both parties are happy 2) get out of it boom, done.
Bottom line: anyone who can't give up weed to save a relationship has issues and should fix them before being in a relationship.
First sorry about your situation doesn't sound too fun. First off, you should probably try talking to him stating everything on your mind about it and see what he has to say! Now with you, I think your looking at marijuana as the bad guy here and it doesn't have to be! Smoking can be a great additive to a relationship. Why don't you ask him to go on a couple week break with you and then you can both smoke together and start fresh! I doubt he feels like he NEEDs to smoke everyday so just talk to him. If he was willing to move in with you I bet he will be willing to do much more. Marijuana doesn't have to hurt anything but only make things better! whatever you bring into the situation is what you will walk out of it with
not bottom line at all. anyone that's willing to put weed use in the situation where there would have to be a break up has issues. actually, your thought mentality will only lead the relationship to a break up. what happened to relationships where the person wants the other to be happy and also respects personal space? that's a healthy relationship. is his weed addiction causing them to loss rent money? is it negatively affecting him? is he not able to keep a job? these aren't OP's problems.. OP's problem is she is annoyed that he is high all the time and she is not. she doesn't like it.. so neither should he. that's lame. he's getting his shit done, and he likes to smoke weed at night time. give the guy a break. you make it sound like a HUGE deal like her boyfriend has some serious problem. OP messed up when she stopped smoking cigs for him. that's why she feels he should stop, because she did. when in reality the situation would have never happened if both parties just accepted their other for who they are and what they do.
well that is a very one-dimensional way to look at it.. maybe this person values his freedom of choice/wants over this relationship? maybe he doesn't value this relationship enough to change his ways? if he doesn't want to stop smoking weed, that doesn't necessarily mean he has issues. what if it just means that he would rather smoke and live his life the way he wants to live it as opposed to stopping his weed smoking and changing himself for a relationship? so..yeah. if that guy doesn't want stop smoking weed, chances are that 1) he will not stop..or 2) he will stop and be unhappy about it, which may negatively affect the relationship.
My wife used to get pissed off that I would drink and snort coke every night, even though my life was perfectly fine.