Help a blade out (kind of rambling)

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by LoveTheGreen, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. Hey guys, this is kind of a long post, but writing is therapeutic for me, so it's all here and if anyone happens to care, please do respond. I'm doing it here instead of my friends in real life because they all think I am better off without this girl and I don't really want to talk about her with them. Mainly because I think they might have not liked her just because it took time away from them.

    Basically, this all started about a year ago. I had been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half and she was getting ready to study abroad for a year. Things were already pretty much over by August, but we still hung out a lot and that made it harder when we had a huge fight, I found out she liked someone else and then she went abroad while we were still on bad terms.

    Aside from a few facebook messages (initiated by her) over the past year, we haven't talked and obviously haven't seen each other. Well, I've known for awhile now that she was coming back to college today to move in, but I tried not to think much of it because I am over her. Or am I? Well...

    It was a year and a half long relationship (I'm 21 right now by the way, so I was 20 last August) and at times we were both convinced that we were going to get married and live happily ever after. Well, our differences became more and more magnified and the fights increased, and thus the relationship was over. I was pretty fucked up for awhile after we broke up and that led to my abuse of opiates briefly, then onto DXM, then marijuana, which I've been using ever since. Despite "feeling" like I am over this girl, I can't help but wonder if I've been using drugs for a year to push back all of these thoughts.

    I have been with several girls in the last year, but nothing ever lasted more than a few weeks and I was always the one to end it. It seemed that I found something wrong with every girl who liked me (even if I had liked them previously). Even now, every girl I think about pursuing, I find multiple problems with and decide to do nothing. It's discouraging because it's becoming hard to imagine finding someone and falling in love at this point.

    So I might not be over this girl, even though I logically should be. Also, many times in the last year I have dreamed that we get back together or we are in bed making out, things like that. That's discouraging when you are trying to convince yourself that you are over a girl.

    Anyway, the past few days as her move-in day approached I started to think about it and get nervous. It's been a year. No matter the situation, it's going to be awkward. And I'm going to see her soon, especially since I work on campus. But I don't know if we'll jump into a friends vibe or if there will be an awkward ex vibe or anything else. I realized today that this feeling of dread I have had the last few days must be because of this. Until like an hour ago, I wasn't trying to think about any of this. Well, I broke down. I literally cried for a good twenty minutes, and I still don't know why. Everything points to me not being over this girl, and I have thought about how I would do the relationship differently now. Like, I've realized all the shitty things I did and don't do them anymore. So...

    Shit. I don't know what I want from you GC. I just don't know what to do. Hanging out with people sucks because I just feel off, and being alone is depressing as well. Smoking just intensifies the feelings. So yeah, I don't know why I feel shitty, I don't know what I want, and I don't know what will make me feel better.

    Help? :eek:
  2. Sounds to me like maybe you arent over this girl. Maybe you could just start out by
    trying to be friends with her when you see her and see how things go. Perhaps she
    still has feelings for you.
  3. cheer up bud. i can tell that you're not over this girl. basically because there was no closure for you. if you really want the truth to your feelings, you're just going to have to see her in the flesh and figure it out from there based on both of your reactions. maybe you were in love with her just a bit? seeming as it has been a year and she's still in your mind and causing you to abuse other drugs. drugs was probably your way of trying to ease yourself of the pain she caused but instead, it probably created more problems? i don't know really, but a confrontation would be your best bet. if she wants to be your friend, maybe you'll find something again? and if she doesn't, then your best bet is to leave her. sorry if im rambling but that's all the advice i can give, albeit not very good. but best of luck in your situation and tell us how it goes if you do see her soon!
  4. It sounds like you need to sober up, and really explore yourself. Sit around, and just think about shit. Think alot. Get deep into the depths of your brain. Explore everything.

    It's not too hard, and it works..
  5. Last time I met with my ex, she gave me a handjob.

    Maybe you'll have my luck.
  6. And whatever you do...

    don't bring up the M word.

    That'd be marriage. Far too young to get married - Everyone i know who got married in their early 20's wound up divorced a few years later (or less).

    The most growth you experience is in your 20's. You may feel entirely different about this girl in a few years. I'm sure you don't think so now, but it happens.

    A story from my experience - I was engaged when I was 22... moved to California with the guy - was MADLY in love.

    I'm 26 now. We broke up, i thought i'd never get over it - hell even had another relationship after that. And now? I wouldn't give my ex-fiancee the time of day because he is SO different from me to the point I can't even talk to him without getting aggravated. And marriage?! HAHA Only if necessary.

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