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Guys i'd LOVE some comments...

Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by Smokie McBlunts, Jan 1, 2004.

  1. #1 Smokie McBlunts, Jan 1, 2004
    Well i'm not sure what direction i want the book to go in... i often like to start from a random point, and unravel the background story throughout the book. I just let the book start at this point, its a bit confusing just because its hard to know whats going on. Its a facility... maybe a government training HQ or somethin.. who knows, anyway tell me what u think of this little training exersize your about to see, n tell me what ya think.

    Here it is...

    The dreary buzz of the ready alarm vibrated through X24's bones. He raised his head to his challenger, again. He couldn't quite remember if this was the fifteenth or sixteenth time he'd fought this man, in a row. Either way it all felt like the hundredth to him. The man he faced had a mocking grin of superiority on his face, clenching his jaw and narrowing his dark shadowed eyes slightly. An eerie chill ran up X24's spine as he clenched his own Katana.
    His enemy lunged forward, like a dart. X was barely able to jump away, and roll into an air summersault. As soon as he landed his arms instinctively rose hard to a high block. The cling of layered tempered steal rang through his heart. He pulled away to attack, only to have to defend two more fast attacks at his mid section. The man wasn't very much taller than X, and was a bit skinnier. In a fight that may all well be good, but in a blade duel, speed and accuracy matter much more. X took a swing at the mans legs, but was eagerly disappointed when the mans legs were far from the ground by the time his blade passed.
    A stream of salty sweat made its way past X's brow, stinging his eye. His burning muscles begged to wipe his burning eye, but discipline wouldn't allow it. Not this time, he was tired of fighting today, and the only way to stop, is to win. He could hear a slight chuckle come from his enemy, as he stared at the weakening young fighter. Although, X24 heard more than just chuckling, he heard arrogance. He finally realized what his problem was… his enemy had absolutely no fear. Fear meant hesitation, hesitation meant loss of speed, momentum, and the overall rhythm of the dance.
    Suddenly, X24 was smiling… dangerously. Almost, demented with joy. X24 watched for the split second his enemy's face cringed, and leapt. Sword brought up from his side into a downward slicing attack, his steal crashed down on his enemy's blade, pushing him to nearly flat on the floor. X24 flipped backwards, and landed with ease, though his legs felt like they were becoming rock. A few seconds for the man to get up and try and compose himself went by before X24 attacked again. This time he came in from what was at first high, but then low. A fury of mad blade slices, hard forceful strides cringed from the mans blade to his soul.
    The man had now begun to rethink his earlier convictions, and in that instant he hesitated. X24 made one fast counter to the mans blade, knocking it back and exposing his ribs. X24 jabbed in, wedging his blade no more than two centimeters between the mans ribs. X24 smiled and withdrew his weapon. He had won his rest for the day… for today.
     
  2. #2 adamBC, Jan 2, 2004
    ill start by telling you i only read a short bit...


    grammer seems good, doesnt read like a grade 7 wrote it, but i had to stop reading because the X24 thing just bugs me... dont ask me why? i dont expect you to change it.. just telling you.
     
  3. #3 Smokie McBlunts, Jan 3, 2004
    actually i did plan on changin it, name might of commited it to somethin. X-24 is just a fill in, or maybe till a bit into it or somethin
     
  4. #4 wonderlust, Jan 4, 2004
    Hi Smokie,

    This is Wonderlust..... New to Pittsburgh....

    I liked the way the action sequence played out. I found myself sucked into the storyline. I do have a few comments.

    You already mentioned that X24 was a "fill in" so no need to mention that. In the first paragraph the third sentence may flow smoother if you just say "he couldn't remember the number of times he had faced this enemy." Including fifteenth and sixteenth in the sentence makes it a little hard to read.

    I REALLY like the way the second paragraph starts. You got straight to the action. It makes a great transition from the first paragraph (the set up) to the second paragraph (the fight). The only thing I would suggest is maybe you could refer to "the man" as "his foe" or "his enemy". I found myself asking "which man' when I first read the sequence.


    Again I REALLY like how you transition into paragraph three. The transition is very smooth. I also liked how you referred to the battle as "the dance."

    In paragraph four sentence six I would just say " a few seconds passed before the enemy was able to rise and begin to compose himself. Then X attacked again." Splitting this sequence into two sentences makes the story flow a little smoother.

    I enjoyed your closing paragraph. Very strong. The only suggestion I have deals with sentence three. I liked how you added some details about the way the blade entered the enemy. I would maybe suggest adding a different type of detail though. Perhaps "wedging his blade deep between ribs 4 and 5."

    Overall I liked the piece. Very Strong. You are a good writer man.

    Did you get my email Smokie? Drop me a line man.... It would be good to hear from another toker in the Burgh.
     
  5. #5 Smokie McBlunts, Jan 5, 2004
    Hey man i sent ur e-mail back :) and again, thanx for your imput. Definatly noted. Say... you write at all?
     
  6. #6 wonderlust, Jan 5, 2004
    Hi Smokie,

    I didn't get your email. Did it bounce back? Try sending it to wonderlustcouple@yahoo.com

    I am a grad student so most of my writing is dull reports. I do however read tons. Your writing reminds me of action sequences by Clive Cussler. He has published tons of books. You would really enjoy reading his stuff.

    I look forward to that email Smokie...... Catch you later....

    Keep up the writing...
     
  7. #7 Smokie McBlunts, Jan 5, 2004
    hehe, E-mail resent
     

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