got high and wrote on english essay

So i got the stupidest essay ever in english so i got really high and wrote it. But I probably shouldn't have handed it in. I go to a really conservative catholic school so nevertheless i got in a lot of trouble for this, but I decided to share it with you all anyways (sorry if this offends anyone, its meant merely as satire, not to offend). Tell me what you think

Essay Topic: I am like ? but my ? is like? (fill in the ?'s)

heres the essay:

I am like Moses but my soul is like Jesus. As the molten lava strikes down from the suns fiery beams to the center of the earth's core, I feel a sudden blast of heat rise upon my insides. I have been resurrected as Moses. I will now split the red sea. I see many crustacean animals crawling across the ocean's rocky bottom. Their giant pinchers create an obstacle for my people acrossing the already tridden with many rigors sea bottom. As we head to the other side we are surrounded by horses ridden by crazy men behind us and the already spoken of crustacean critters on the other. We go to the crustacean critters route where we get plumaged by the harsh pinchers from these little animals. They squeeze down on our silky skin. But they are no match for Moses. Moses takes crabs and throws them over the rainbow which has been formed as a result of the ever rising water level in the sunny area. After Moses successfully takes out the crabs, we make our sprint to the finish line, where we are greeted by beautiful women and copious amounts of alcoholic beverages along with the finest cheeba that the era before Christ had to offer. But not before I disable the water back to normal, taking out and drowning the crazy men on horses. Then we must have lots of party.

Afterwards, I live the life of Moses until I am dead. In heaven I get reincarnated as Jesus. Born into a family where the mother was a prostitute and the father an alcoholic. Jesus was easily influenced by his peers very early on to do drugs. He started out eating cannabis flowers which he insisted to his mother was not a gateway drug but nevertheless he continued on to the opium poppy seed just a few years later. Addicted and sucking dick for balls of yarn which was used as currency in the time, Jesus had gone down the wrong path. Jesus had felt as if he betrayed himself and set off to the desert where he lived for 40 days without drugs and alcohol, which would later be fantasized to food and water in the bible when in actuality he was living in an all-inclusive 5 star resort with a mile long swimming pool. When Jesus got kicked out for sleeping with the hotel owner's wife, he immediately went back to the cannabis plant which he once so innocently would eat as a way of getting a mild euphoric sensation. Staying away from alcohol, instead drinking his "own blood", notice the quotation marks, along with the opium poppy seed, he suddenly had an inspiration to preach to the world about the struggle of life and overcoming temptations. Although through marijuana induced thoughts, instead he decided to make up a whole lot of bullshit about religion and god and shit because he realized he could easily influence the people to follow him with such folk tales. This was mildly effective enough to cause a stir, but not enough to spark a whole revolution. However, eventually some smart but sneaky so oftentimes outlawed from society type of people, called the Jews, got enough of Jesus bullshit and tied him to a cross and nailed his soul shut. But since everyone hates the Jews, people started to believe Jesus and started a whole religion, along with hatred, genocide and wars until the end of time. And this is the real story about Moses and Jesus
the end