Wow, I'm glad I found this thread. I'm not kidding. I know I don't look it but my pic of me is very recent but I'm older... or even much older than I appear to people. I'll be 43 next month, Feb. 13th. I've been through a lot but I never look it. It is what it is and people will believe me or they just won't. Most people are pretty skeptical or they out right kick me off of sites or won't let me in (i.e. a bar but it's rare since I dont normally go to bars. It's really because I dont have a car so I have to walk or take the bus.) In real life I'm actually very lonely and lately I met a couple of guys online but they changed their minds about me. One of them straight up wasn't willing to come to Woodbridge even though he wrote me and we spoke on the phone twice. I think we had some interesting conversations and I felt we had some connection but it of course wasnt strong enough for him to meet me in city. The other one is harder for me to forget because he acted like he totally believed me when I mentioned my health stuff online and I do Truly believe he believed because Im into astrology but a layman and he wrote me during the right transit for me to talk to someone who's empathetic and would believe me but even the transits I used (I dont remember which one/s they were... my memory is bad to be honest) but I knew he believed me its just the transit was Not going to gauarantee he'd be able to handle my situation in real life. There was a weird miscommunication via text. I thought he was mad at me talking about how he's " not a scumbag! and I need a woman to make me feel special" People might laugh but I understood what he meant. We hadnt even met and he was already asking me to not see anyone else even if its just casual between us and to "let me know if you have sex with someone else and we'll talk about it" or something like that... then I notice the next day he's on the dating site we met on (I really didn't mind but just didnt like that he seemed a bit hypocritical) so I just literally and simply wrote "I noticed you online. How's it goin'? " That was my real message and I obviously on there too but hadnt been on in a couple of days since he said that stuff to me at that time (this was last week I guess) but I wasnt talking to anyone or searching (I know he may not have either but was just curious and sent that brief message) so he sends me literally between 5 to 10 text messages to my phone and then sends video of himself telling me he's still into me or somethiing like that and that he was on a break and got message from a "bot" LOL It sucks because I had this strong weird attraction to him. We're both 42 but luckily for him he looks his age or definitly 40 something (early 50s at most) and has this strange sexy Jewish thing going for him... wavy, dark salt and pepper hair... I loved his grey wavy hair and his intense look (or to me it was.) He told me he was born aug, 7th 1981 in DC. I know I'd need to know his time of birth but that'll never happen... so supposedly his lilith squares my sun at a very tight orb like 0 degrees or a little over that? Lots of dark sexual attraction for sure but he'd want Freedom and he couldn't care less if anyone "noticed" him and he'd never idolize anyone (not that we ever should) but I would be the opposite... wanting to be "noticed" but I just want people to know Im alive and to talk to me... I dont think Im too narcissitic about it but thats what I think. There's other aspects and there are some good ones but not enough for him to want to see me since I thought he was mad at me so I sent him an emotional video but I wasn't emotional at the beginning... then later I cried but it was a (light cry) I wasnt acting like a toddler. Im just going through a lot and he knew this before he decided to write me first because I spoke about my health and situation on the profile I made at the time on another site. Anyway, he wrote "I think you read what I wrote in the wrong way... I meant in a casual way. You're fine, you did nothing wrong." Literally... He admitted I read what he wrote wrong and I did nothing wrong. Then he slowly stops texting until I ask if we're going to see each other this week - we were suppose to meet as early as last Thursday or during this coming weekend... so like now. So he ghosts me. I made sure Not* to bother him and I never wrote him back. He did view a new profile I put up some days ago. It's possible he thought I was someone else but I think on some level he could tell it was My Face that was staring back at him on the screen but couldn't resist to view it since I'll admit, most people wouldn't be sure so they'd check the profile anyway. He viewed it but of course never "liked" it or sent a message. I think what hurt a lot was when I asked him if he'd like me to send more nudes and he said "That's okay. That won't be necessary. I hope you're feeling okay today." I mean I didlike it when he said "I hope you're feeling okay today" but the "its not necessary to send nudes" definitely made me know he was never talking to me again... or not for a while until retrograde mercury enters the picture starting in April... by then, If I and he are still alive.... I probably wont care much if he writes but I still want him to.... I cant help it. I have a rare genetic disorder but I wasn't diagnosed. My sternum is bent but it's not visually obvious and I have the highest myopia we can have. I usually need to wear my glasses. I was a special ed student for three years and didn't do well the first three years of school (preschool, kindergarten and first grade) then I was placed in special ed for another first grade year, 2nd grade, and 3rd grade. I never grew out of it and never got the right help for it. My parents were clueless and didnt have much money. I mean my dad was a computer specialist/programmer but he had five kids in total and an ex wife. Two out of three of his disabled kids he took care of (the other one who has a disorder was given up for adoption and lives in FL.) My mother also has a disorder/disability. I also know I have cancer (symptoms). It could be something like lymphoma. I tried getting help at the free clinic many times but I think the place is a pain in the azz and not everyone is treated fairly. I also dont think their help is always accurate. I spend a lot of time at home due to all of that but do get out and can still spend time with the (right) man but that'll never happen. And Yes, "Ben" knew all this and I do think he sincerely believed me but it was too much for him eventually - Understandable though. I would feel similarly it just hurts because I felt some weird "pull" to him. I dont remember if I wrote this on here, but my father died recently last sept from prostate cancer and maybe other stuff that wasn't diagnosed and I lost my cat, Ms. Elizabeth "Missy" but did like to call her Elizabeth. I loved that cat, Sophia (my mothers cat) and the other animals that were our pets or visited. I'm a big animal person. I'm also an antinatalist and dont get these younger people.... like that manager lady at this local bar Ive been to over the last few days... who had several kids but I keep that to myself. It's like really two or three kids or more in this world?? Wow. We just never know how their lives will be but that's what I think. Okay, I'm done ranting for now. I do hope anyone reading this is doing okay today.